NotHere

https://open.spotify.com/track/63PsQDCcHueB8AXXHvGIVy?si=ylj5BqJgSjOVFvL0DxKphQ

“Surround yourself with people who fight for you in rooms you’re not in” 
          
          Too many times I surrounded my self with the opposite. I feel a lot better now that I’m no longer in those positions. Although emotionally I still have scars. I wish I had a Time Machine.

It’s crazy to think that next year will mark 10 years since 2016. That kinda fucking insane to think it’s been ten years since the time my life kinda start to change. 2016 for me was a new beginning. A turning point in my life that would lead me down many ups and downs. There was a lot of heartbreak, anger, and saddness but there are also memories that I will always cherish. I doubt some from those times feel the same but hey, you live and you learn. I just can’t believe it’s almost 10 years. Am I unc? 

Here’s to the end of yet another toxic friend group! Time to be alone for a bit I guess!

I wish I didn’t chase after the people who hurt me. 

Kinda miss when life was simpler when i could just play on minecraft servers as a kid with people who were new but friendly. I didnt have to worry about so many hard ships. Like my mom dying fron cancer, my granddads would still be around, when things were not so dificult. My life has changed in so many ways that i could have never imagined. Im thankful for my current life but i do sometimes look at the past and just miss the simplicities. Where my biggest battle was arguing hypixel being better than mineplex and watching the newest episodes of the MIANITE series on youtube. If only i could hug my younger self and tell her not to take her life for granted like she did, to love herself more, to not place her value on the opinions of young boys who also didnt know what they were doing. If given than chance i would hold her so tightly. She is so innocent and currious. She had no idea the cost of which her curiosities would do to her and those around her. 
          
          Idk im just rambling. If anyone sees this, love yourself. And if anyone from the past sees this, im sorry.

Crazy how my life has been these few days. Never would have thought that certain people would come back and APOLOGIZE. Thats some real shit right there. Did it heal me? Not really but it felt nice to know a prayer had been answered. 

Freed from the curse  chains have been broken

Thinking back to when i joined bumble simply for bumble friends cause my boyfriend at the time would accuse me of cheating on him all the time if i hung out with online friends outside of his friend group too much. I was so desperate for friends. To be around people who actually liked me. I was so lonely. 

If i had to describe my life from 15 through like 22? Ish would be the song Bubblegum by Clairo.
          
          Like when i hear it i just imagine myself back when i was young and all i went through.
          
          It feels very fitting for everything.