cheri

I'm terrified of being happy. everytime I feel good I'm always scared it's gonna get all fucked up afterwards. everytime I feel happiness I squish it down so nothing bad will follow up.
          
          but I slipped up I got happy and now it's biting me back in the ass. 
          
          we, my family, might be forced to move out of the country. and I hate this country I hate my dull boring life but if i move somewhere else so suddenly and then have to start over I don't know how my carefully crafted mental health will handle it.
          
          I mean I know, I won't handle it. I'll go right back when I used to be and I can't. I'm terrified of that time. I barely handled it back then and in another country, with strangers? I won't handle it. 
          
          I'm scared and I'm anxious and I'm terrified so I'm writing this here. I have to get this off my chest.
          
          hope it won't come to that. I really fucking hope

I don't like whenever I feel like this. when suddenly things add up and the thoughts I locked in my head escape and I need to do something, something bad to lock them up again. 
          
          I don't like when I don't know why I want to go back to times when I hated myself. I don't like when I do bad things to feel something because it never helps. it just makes me spiral worse. I don't like when I don't know what I want. why I live. I'm too old to still not know what I want in life. but I don't know 
          
          I don't like this at all. I don't like myself

i love ateez so so much they make me so happy. im so happy i'll be able to see them in real life soon. so so sooo happy

rant time again because holy moly fellas I might be seeing ateez live in february. I can't believe it, after 6+ years of being their fan I can finally get to see my favorite group.
          
          it feels surreal honestly I don't think I'll believe it until it actually happens right before my eyes. my ateez, I'll see you soon  
          
          also this means I'll have to work a lot til February and don't waste money at all to save up. 
          
          concert tickets, flight tickets, housing money, lightstick, outfit, merch... need to make sure I have money for everything. but as long as I get tickets nothing else matters. I'll figure it all out I just need the tickets first. sale starts on October 9th so I have time.
          
          rant over friends (voices in my head)

seungmin's birthday in 4 hours. it's already his bday in Korea. oh it's been a while huh? six years flew by in a blink of an eye. 
          
          I don't have any grandiose plans to celebrate his birthday this time I think I did it enough in past so I'll just congratulate him on twitter I suppose.
          
          it feels kind of bittersweet. how fast the time flew, how long I've liked him how much he grew up. but one thing will never change - he will always have a place in my heart even if it's not big, even if it's just a tiny corner, he'll always mean a lot to me. 
          
          happy birthday, my autumn sunshine.

i don't really want to tell anyone about this, so i'm back here again. my little personal diary.
          
          i don't know how to feel about it all, maybe i'm being dramatic maybe i need to care more. Is it bad that nothing fazes me anymore? I feel like i stopped caring about everything shrugging it all off as if it would all somehow work out in the end. The thing is - it did, it works out but for how long? how long it will last, what happens when i won't care do something and it won't work out and the consequences would be too dire? 
          
          I used to worry too much, i used to care to the point it suffocated me and made me want to disappear. and now, i don't care enough, no rather - i don't care at all. I noticed becoming this way in 2023, before every little thing made me worry, made me want to crawl into a little hole and cry and cry and cry. now tho, now i  cry but over a sad film, when i need to get something and use tears to get my way and yes in hindsight it's good that i don't have breakdowns anymore but. 
          
          Is it really good? how did i go from caring too much to the point it was killing me slowly to stopping to care at all? how should i stop it? Life is somewhat good now that i stopped worrying too much and i thought i was happy but sometimes it feels so overwhelmingly empty. 
          
          I feel empty, like all emotions got drained out of me and squeezed and squeezed out until nothing was left. I feel like when i used to worry about how others thought, what future would bring, how my eating disorder made me lose my mind slowly, how i wasn't getting accepted at jobs i wanted, now i don't think at all. I live in a moment, i just go with the flow feeling as if i drift too further away i'll just disappear.
          
          I am not suicidal, i don't actively try to kill myself anymore but to be honest i don't think i have much reason to live either. I have friends, my brother whom i love so much and i like few groups and have some basic hobbies so i live but there's no purpose in my life. It's all so dull.

since this is my little rant space, let me rant some more.
          
          after so so long i finally dreamt about seungmin. let me start from the beginning. 
          
          it started with a completely different dream and then i woke up and i kind of fell asleep and dreamt about it. i think in real life it was 2ish hours but it feels so long in a dream. unfortunately i don't remember much just that it was some sort of party i think costume party and the place the party was being held was massive. no, not just massive, huge. it was literally a palace of some sort. 
          
          I remember dressing up for the party with some girls who were getting impatient at me for taking so long and i finally went out to the party and all eyes were on me. I remember somewhat what i wore. it was a mix of pirate victorian fit and it was red with black elements and i knew i looked stunning. everyone thought so as well because everyone at the party wanted me.
          
          at some point it got too overwhelming and i decided to let ppl know i was with someone so they'd stop pursuing me and i remember walking to a table where seungmin was sitting with hyunjin and someone else i can't remember now and i asked seungmin to help me out,
          
          i told him what i wanted as i dragged him and i pressed myself against a white wall as i pushed him closer to me his on a wall him towering over me a bit and leaning in with his other hand so it'd look like we were making out. 
          
          i don't remember much after that unfortunately but i remember how it felt when he was so close to me, his warm breath tickling my face and at some point i looked up to see him staring at me and we were about to kiss and ugh I DONT REMEMBER ANYMORE. why my dreams cockblock me

oh again, its been a while huh? i'm doing surprisingly well, my eating disorder is still making it hard especially now and unfortunately it always gets worse in summer but i think i can manage it. i'm not depressed anymore, i don't want to die and i'm learning to love myself everyday. it's surprisingly easy to love yourself on some days and so hard on others but i'm doing okay. as i mentioned in my last post i got back into kpop, not that i could ever truly leave seungmin and even when i wasn't actively listening to it he was always my favorite person. always will be. i'm atiny tho now, well, i've been atiny since 2018 but as i left kpop i drifted away from my favorite groups including ateez. I don't think i can call myself stay anymore, i'm more of a casual fan now like with other groups but of course i will always love the boys. they helped me so much in my worst years. i'm fine with being a casual fan.
          
          also finally after 3 something years of skzoo coming out and all original plushies being sold out i ordered puppym and he will be coming home soon! got myself 3 seungmin photocards too (and one joy pc) and even 2 stray kids albums from the recent comeback. broke but happy so to say. 
          
          i also stopped torturing my poor body and mind with hook ups and lukewarm sex with people that could never satisfy me and just kind of pushed that entire stuff aside. i'm fine being single and focusing on myself. for now. 
          
          so yeah,
          
          life's okay. i think its going to be okay. i think i can say that i'm happy.

I didn't realize how much I missed talking about seungmin or thinking about him. I always would catch my thoughts drifting towards him and now that I finally somewhat got back into kpop, I realized just how much I missed it. missed him. 
          
          he was there in the worst years of my life when I didn't want to live when I hated myself to the point every single day was painful for me but he helped me. He made me keep going, I would go home from work at night, look up in the night sky and think about him and it kept me going. he saved me again and again and again and I missed him. missed him so much. missed him so much that I cried at work and ruined my make up the other day it was funny I was cursing so much and laughing and also embarrassed because I rarely cry anymore but he so easily managed to make me tear up.
          
          anyways, I missed my sunshine so much. 

happy new year? I turned 25 and it's 2024.. I can't believe it but aging isn't so bad after all. had fun on my birthday, got a cake, met up with friends I'm for once not actively trying to starve myself anymore and I finally know my own self worth. 
          
          so yeah. it's...not good but definitely not bad either. it's okay. also the most interesting news, I somewhat got back into kpop. And it's moonbyul's fault. She's so fine, I need her so bad but enough about this or I won't be able to stop talking about byul.
          
          I think 2024 will be slightly better? hoping, at least. 2023 wasn't very bad either. it's surprisingly getting better day by day. I am not as depressed anymore and my eating disorder isn't consuming my life.
          
          And for once I'm content about myself, about my own sexuality, my gender and everything else. 
          
          so yeah, it's cool so far. Maybe happiness is closer than I thought.