Plateau. That’s what’s become of my state of mind. A plateau. In the Sense That things have not gotten better, but neither worse. I’ve plateaued. I often feel as if I am not real, just a shell of a person. Which is what I’ve, in a sense, wanted to be. But this is not it, this is not what I meant. I want to exist as a shell but one with no ties to the human world and it’s strings. No feelings, no emotional connections, no reasons to keep going. Yet that’s a difficult thing to have. You’d have to cut these ties yourself, but that’s not what I wanted either.
I want to exist as if I never have before. I want to start anew but just as I always have been. I want things to be relatively the same but entirely different. Living in this world but on another. As a shell.
Not as a shell of who I used to be.
But someone who I never got to.
