memory

i’m okay. perfectly fine

Hi, you seem like you're going through a lot so why don't we become friends? If it makes you feel better then I am better at listening than talking. There have been many times in my life where I've been miserable, so I want to empathize with people and understand their feelings. Whatever heartache you have you can share with me. I'll be here to empathize. So please do let me know when you're feeling down

alone for the new years for the seventh time in the row. even lonelier without my grandma. i miss her so much. why did i take her for granted.  i can just envision all the people having great times, having fun, and not being lonely. wish i were them. oh well. im just a useless idiot. i just wish i had friends to talk to during these times. im used to it at this point. just 6 more months until i can finally be freed from this. hopefully dont… yknow by then. i just wish i was good enough. better.

well. there goes my grandma. who knew people can just drop dead in front of you. my last words to her were asking her to cook me something. im such a shitty person. why didn’t I spend more time with her. i never said I love you. i couldn’t even spend time with her during christmas. everyone celebrated without me. everyone exchanged gifts without me. i didn’t get a single gift. oh there I go. being selfish again. i don’t know what I’ll do without her. i took everything for fucking granted. and now I’m stuck here. crying. i guess this is how life is. but no one cares. no one cares about my pathetic excuse of a life.oh well. i have until Thursday to prop myself back up and act positive and tough in front of everyone. i have 3 days to cry all my sorrows away. just so tired of being called a “fatass”, “big back”, “black hole” every single day. like I fucking get it. im insecure enough already. “You’re so dogshit at your instrument!” “Why are you so bad?!” Leave me the fuck alone. Let me play in fucking peace. Oh well. Im being selfish again. I should just set my feelings aside, and just “be better”. Not be fucking fat. Not be fucking tall. Not be shitty at quite literally EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING I DO. WHY AM I SO FUCKING SHITTY. I NEVER DO ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT. im sorry. i should just be better. but im always portrayed as the mean, fat, big, tough guy. i show empathy. but no. i try to show kindness, and show caring. i try to make people feel comfortable to share things with me. i try to make people feel welcomed and cared around me. i try. i really do. but no. im just bad at everything. i should give up. i don’t matter. i just want it to be over. restart my life n sh. im sorry to all my ex -friends. im sorry to all my friends. im sorry to those I hurt. im sorry to those i annoyed. im sorry.

i haven’t felt happiness in a long time. but just spending quality time with my family on vacation, just makes me feel great. it really makes the sting of my mom being stuck in the hospital undergoing cancer treatment feel slightly better. not going to lie, still feel horrible as I couldn’t spend the time with my mom, but it was a nice distraction from everything. im currently heading home, and I honestly, have no idea what I’m doing. i guess i should just go with the flow. i should move on. let go of the past. 
          
          12/26 6:00 pm

performing for the entire school tomorrow for an assembly. so stressed out. i guess i shouldn’t be thinking about the what ifs.
          
          on the other hand, why does it feel like im the only mature one in my school it just feels so strange. there’s kids who are lowk wannabe “dreadheads” kids who are faking depression just for some attention, kids who are stuck in 2016, and just kids who are just strange. maybe im just the weird one.
          
          im such a horrible person. i just feel like one of those attention seekers who just want attention from faking depression. i mean im diagnosed with depression and everything but, i just feel like im just being the average faker.
          
          oh well. no one reads my posts anyways. im too unimportant. just gonna post on here for any updates on life. jeez i really can’t stop thinking about her..

starting to find myself saying sorry for every minor little thing.

in all 52 of the cards, im the joker.

“And then I go and spoil it all
          By saying somethin' stupid like, "I love you"”

“But I love you so..”