ssyreneeeee

one thing you’ll never see me do is please other people. i do the opposite. i like—actually LOVE not pleasing them. i find a hint of joy doing the opposite of what they expect me to do. 

i’m not a lover girl. i love many things, i love my family, my friends and my hobbies. but when it comes to like real relationships, i just can’t—my body and heart doesn’t do that THAT easily. there were times that i’ve wished and even prayed that i can love a person, because everything will just seem to get better if i love them back, “i wish i could love them the way they love me”  but for some reason i can’t. there are times that i love a person but i know it’s just a matter of weeks and months that i will feel something in my stomach that tells me that i should run. but even so, i still entertain the idea of them, knowing well that it’ll just be a cycle of me hurting another person just because i was miserable myself. 
          
          so no i am definitely not a lover girl, i don’t think i’ll ever be that concept of LOVER GIRL. 
          
          do i think i have the love in me? yes. am i capable of loving? yes but not in that way. am i ready to love in that way? no. i don’t think i’ll ever be. 
          
          i think to love is to lose your mind. i’m not stupid. i sometimes wish i am but when i really think about it. nah. i probably just missed the feeling of being loved, surely. 
          

ykw, kyle... one thing i’ve learned in life is that if i wanna be understood i need to learn how to open up, my problems, what has been going on and the things that have been bothering me. and if i can’t do it then i need to embrace being misunderstood even by the people close to me. 
          
          i don’t actually think i still have a say in your life especially that it has been a year since all of it. and i have been disappointed a lot of times. but i just wanna tell you that if you ever need someone i’ll always be here. with an arms open wide :)) if ever na totoo man ‘yung mga ’yun, i understand. matalino ka, alam mo ang tama at mali, you knew it was wrong and still... and if ever hindi man, i hope you find a courage to explain and clear your name kasi u deserve understanding. don’t let the people who are genuine to keep you slip just because of one problem. 
          
          duwag ka pa rin talaga haha.
          
          i’m actually quite embarrassed because i thought the glances we share still have a meaning, wala naman pala e HAHAHAHHAS gaga  alam ko naman na wala na pero ’di ba? i mean baka kahit konti meron naman. i’m still sorry but every memories that we’ve created separately wouldn’t actually happen if i didn’t let you go. just thank me. because kahit na masakit hindi mo makaka-ila na naging masaya ka. kasi kung nand'yan pa rin ako sa buhay mo, i’ll continue on dimming your light and holding you back. i’m sorry pa rin. but masaya na tayong dalawa. :)) 

okay, i don’t want it back. 

i miss him so muchie. >~< 

january have been a rollercoaster ride haha, first month of 2026 palang ramdam ko na na hindi magiging maganda ’to para sa ’kin, but i’m alaways saying na “akin na talaga ’tong 2026”. january 1 nasamapal na agad ako ng realidad (never forgettii) 

ykw, life have been so good to me lately. peeo i can only say that when i’m not home. away from the things that i have been avoiding. away from my reality. 

Lord if ever bibigyan mo ako ng lalaki in my life, make him patient. so patient dapat ha? kasi i know i could be really too much, and i’m afraid that they couldn't really keep up with me and they’ll just end up leaving me at the end. but pls pls, i want a Jordan in my life. >=< i wanna feel like i’m so loved even tho i could be so avoidant, i just want constant reassurance that i’ll be picked. 

miss ko lang ’yung idea niya in my head but gosh knows that if ever he comes back, i won’t take him in. or if i would we’ll just go through the same process we did the first time, i’ll just hurt him. i know i would. pero alam mo ’yun, noon kasi ’pag magcocomplain ako na mabigat ’tong ganito ganyan, may magbubuhat na agad non for me e. i wanna have someone to complain to, kasi it’s getting heavy day by day. and i can’t help myself to open up to arvin & irish, kaai we’re not the kind of persons to really open up our family problems.

i just can’t help but to think what it feels like to be in his arms again :p miss ko nang matawag na baby