「 ⋆🃏⋆ 」

fighting the urge to make another alt as a main-

do you like... jazz ?
          
          
          
          
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/411311507-calling-all-musicians

vent:
          
          whenever the sadness gets suddenly really really bad, i go downstairs and watch a movie or show, sometimes with my parents, or one of them is just down there.
          it distracts me, grounds me, reminds me that I'm cared for and protected.
          now, they're the reason behind this sudden onslaught, since it had already been building and hasn't really gone away since- honestly november of 2024.
          
          my mom is far too forgiving and my dad doesn't even want to look at me.

i want a wlw Achilles/Patroclus, monsterxsweetheart wlw so badly, i might jsut have to write it.

VENT:
          
          
          
          
          one of the few times that my parents actually protected me from my brother, that i can remember,  is also one of my main childhood memories.
          i think it was around Christmas, and he was made bc i may have made a slight joke, trying to lighten the mood, because he and my parents were fighting, raising their voices.
          He lurched at me, rage in his eyes, fist raised, but, what made this time so different, was that i was fully stuck in a corner, back and side against the walls.
          my parents just yelled at him.
          they never checked on me.
          
          they never check on me when there's a fight involving anyone.
          
          they always check on my brothers.
          
          
          
          but i'm the selfish, ungrateful asshole and should forgive him.
          
          I'm still trying to forgive you.

i want my parents to see that i am loved.

vent:
          
          
          i do not give a flying fuck if that hurt your feelings or made you a little inpatient.
          when you are a parent, you are promising to protect someone far more vulnerable than you are.
          
          i went to the bathroom, and my mom knocked, asking if i was going to be quick, i said not really, because i had to change my pad. she knocks again while i am literally putting the toilet seat down, and, almost immediately after, i hear this loud ass slam, as if she like punched the door, and she ran upstairs to the other bathroom before i could open the door.
          
          
          
          if you can't handle your emotions and impulses, don't have a goddamn child.

slight vent:
          
          
          can my parents just not get annoyed when i try to speak to them?
          like, specifically my mom- why is she confused about my lack of adoration for her when i have ALWAYS had to practically beg for her to listen to me for a SECOND, only for her to be frustrated at me or be upset that i'm not doing something else.
          
          
          
          Fuck. You.
          
          Let me SPEAK to you, or don't start crying the moment I don't want to.
          
          
          Holy shit.

—  maybe i just don't understand what love is.
          maybe that's why i can't figure out how you can love me in an apathetic way.
          maybe i'm still just a naïve little kid.
          maybe i'm just a kid with an active imagination, some colds, and some nightmares.

i hate myself more every single time that i hurt my dad.
          if i cry, if i don't eat, if i get defensive, if he finds out that i disobeyed him, if i'm not happy and perfectly okay.