✨Directioner✨

Getting hit by one of the biggest earthquakes only to get back to work in 20 mins, no wonder Bangladesh ain't for beginners 

A year.... Payno, it was hell, it is hell, I tell myself everyday, just one more day- for him, but every day I realize just how difficult one more day really is when you are not here. 
          
          It's like breathing in a black toxic cloud of suffocation when a fresh whiff of air would breathe back life into me. It's like falling down an endless abyss with no end, no waves of obstacles, no form or structure, just a deep anxious dive into nothingness with nothing but a gut wrenching nausea gripping my trachea so tightly; to never let me breathe without a reminder of- you being gone- ever again.
          
          It's been a year Lima Bean, a year since we both died but I hate how unfair it is that only you stopped breathing. I hate how I am to live. I hate how a part of me is aware that you would never want me- us, or anyone to ever give up because YOU never gave up , you kept fighting, you kept trying to help others even when you were battling your demons, and through and through, you showed strength in unimaginable pain, you proved to be the epitome of powerful kindness with that beautiful brave heart of yours that always gave and gave and gave, even today, so many in need are being helped, cared for, recognized, because of you Payno, you made this awfully damned world a better place and even when it feels dark and ominous after you left, I still see sparks of your light in every little good there is. You are a beautiful soul, a sweet angel, our angel, my angel. I miss you Liam James Payne, I love you.

Heyyyy

It’s coco again. Just checking in on you, hope you’re okay 

Happy birthday Payno, I miss you so much, it hurts, it physically hurts and I can't do anything. Yes I wanted to hurt myself more, cut myself up, drink till I'm so gone that the day passes away without me realizing and it's funny because I am someone who even hates the idea of drinking, so just imagine how much it hurts right now to be sober.
          
          But then it was your thoughts that stopped me because how could I let a day I know you would thoroughly enjoy, pass away in a blur? How could I let this day be filled with pain? And yet again you stopped me Payno from trying to hurt myself, you stopped me from being the worst version of me, oh how do I ever love you more than the love you still shower on me? 
          
          If only you were here you'd know just how proud I am of you, just how grateful I am that I got to know you and even though we never met, I am so damn glad I get to love you and I am so blessed that I get be loved by you and yes it will always be in present tense, I will always love you, I will always feel your love. I love you Li. Thank you for everything ❤️

When did life get so damn hectic?? Like what do you mean I'm working two jobs, writing research papers like my life depends on it (it does), volunteering like I run a marathon for breakfast everyday (why the hell do they make us work like this?) and then going back to reading Elizabethan and Jacobean dramas like those are pamphlet advertising cookies???

How are you, my love?

15 years of the band that brought joy, laughter, peace, love and happiness in my life. In every darkness, you five are the light that gave me hope. When I gave up on life, you taught me to hold on tightly and move forward one step at a time. When nothing and no one mattered, you five did. When I didn't matter, you made me feel loved, seen, wanted. I've smiled at my happiest thinking about you, cried at my saddest missing you, I felt my heart clench and be on the verge of ripping it out every day I spend away from you, yet every second I feel a peace knowing I love you and you love me. To 15 years and many more, I will love you forever one direction and I know I'll always be proud of you. Thank you for the beautiful music that feels like a warm hug, thank you for the wonderful fandom that feels like home, thank you for being my everything.
          
          My beautiful angels, BooBear, Payno, Hazza, Nialler and DJ Malik, I love you, always and forever ❤️

trixieee!! 

Soccer aid Louis will be the death of me