strnlvrr
btw watched notebook for the first time w a friend
it was well worth the fame i think that explains enough
strnlvrr
strnlvrr
planned with chatgpt today
first time using chatgpt and im already using as a cocktail mix of PA BSF coach and my therapist lol
strnlvrr
im dissappointed in myself
strnlvrr
bro i just got complimented by a idk like an amazing girl (a friend) like a good looking that girl kinda one but we were just talking and we talk abt so many stuff like hrs go by man BUT the main part is she just complimented me looking straight in my eyes and went "You know you're SO EMOTIONALLY MATURE" like damn that was lowkey the best compliment ever like imagine a 10/10 girl like damn and the fact that she gives me so many compliments like yea bro ik but thanks man it means a lot and ik its genuine like BANG IT
strnlvrr
im looking for a chinese name for myself but can't really find one guess it'll take me enough time to find one suitable
also mum and sis came yesterday to surprise me lol
strnlvrr
ok now came the problem at hand as i mentioned i'm preparing for a national level premed college entrance exam and this already my 2nd drop yr and my last chance too there's 6 months left and i for sure don't want to regret it like last yr when everything had been too overwhelming and i had given up everything just a month b4 the exam
this i want to change that and actually get ahead in life this like a one way ticket to well a better life the rn which was just without any smart devices (currently typing away in a borrowed laptop), hadn't slept in like 33 hrs and had an appointment 10 mins later had just finished 7 hrs of classes less that 2 hrs ago with caffeine as my only support system and too much noodles from the allnighter last night pulled due a assignment to be submitted today lol but yeah it happened rarely
had completely wasted 1.5 and partially another 1 month bcz of a past that was finally put away and an addiction that was too deeply settled since the yrs so i sent away the ipad back and a few days after that had gotten a 10 days festive break so completely relaxed and all things finally set aside
i have exactly 6 months to make it work in my favour and i planned on using these 6 months as efficiently as i can while not forgetting myself in the process so yeah
6 months
180 days
half a year
to make it all worth smtg in the eyes of others
to make myself secure a bit
i don't know the result the possibilities scare the living sht outta me yet i have to face it this time planned to face it this time
coz it really was now or never
so yeah let's see how things turn out
and what i can do to improve myself each day
1% better everyday ig
let's go
ps to the me reading this 6 months later just know no matter what i love you and am proud of you and deserve the good things even though so may think you do not
love you mhaw mhaw
strnlvrr
ok so this is me ranting coz life's a mess and too uncertain currently
i'm preparing for a premed exam and well i have kind of wasted half the time in the hands of the comfort of watching straight and lgbtq+ dramas, reading books and stories written by people of shared interests, idols who are just acting out a persona assigned to them by their company trying to earn money ntg really diff
the fan life its been a part of me for years now when all i was was ntg a little girl who was too broken and was expected of things that she didn't quiet understand yet the weight of it all weighed her down with memories that haunted her day and night alike
she was too broken by a past that has been too messy
everything happening all together yet for so long years that trauma was what i thought was life was like for me was going to be as long as i live
few yrs down when i voiced it out it was quiet rejection that it was all in my head and the more i tried to make them understand the more the hits came to suppress everything i had once lived through to let it all be just "smtg in my head" quiet lonely yrs were my childhood yet no that lonely now that i look back on it i had just enough but the pain was far too greater ig to notice back then
a few more yrs down the quiet rejection had been settled decided
the girl was well doing ok quiet but not too quiet that smbdy could notice and raise fingers that might lead to well problems she had learned through the yrs she def didn't like so she did what most would pretend to just be well enough not too much not too little just there present breathing smiling laughing pretending ignoring her past yet the patterns they followed the voices the memories she wanted yet couldn't lingered more than she liked but through the yrs she learned to carry it well hide her well enough a little giel who shouldn't have but had to then again puberty well it was rough ofc but damn the remarks the way they judged
strnlvrr
smtg nobody else gave that little kid but gone was the girl
through the years she had gotten softer like letting herself just be not caring abt what others think and she was grateful to herself tbh
even proud of herself coz even if nobody saw it she did and felt it all experienced it all and was in a better place than she ever dared imagine for herself and that was all that mattered she knew and that was more than anything she could wish for
and im glad that i gave myself chances let myself be even when it felt scary
and i know the journey ain't over neither the healing and being myself part without being scared but there was progress far greater than i ever expected of myself yrs ago and path is not going to be smooth hadn't even been but it was worth than being engulfed by shadow forced upon a kid and pressed deeper in later yrs by people around some unintentional most not yet that shadow was a past and i was well happier without it all
strnlvrr
it would always be smtg in her head in their eyes smtg not to be taken srsly
and when the reality of it all dawned on her she had been desperate to find escape but this time escape meant feeling seen and a screen could not offer that people could and she dared and was left broken by people she trusted the most like she meant ntg when they once said she meant everything and more but yeah it took a while 2 relationships and 1 fake 5 yr friendship to realise people only used you all for different purposes but all for their own benefit and with that was the constant expectations after securing a 2 rank in school and coaching that well like a dream of smne else forced so casually down her throat it almost felt natural couple yrs went by during this
learning things about herself and others
world was cruel she had faced it first hand
but somewhere in those 7 yrs of constant screen people places expectations fears traumas patterns guilt a constant want and need to run away and never come back
she had learned
learned to accept herself for everything she was and going to be
learned to heal things she didn't broke but were her responsibility alone coz nobody else cared and nobody would
learned and quiet fact that she only had herself and that was enough
the trauma and ghosts of the past that lingered too close b4 were a distant past that she had accepted and healed enough from, not completely, but enough for now
of they were still there in the nights she felt too weak and fragile and unsure but they just lingered distant now
not strong enough anymore to force a panic attack out of her
but a quiet presence of a past that was far too complicated that it might never be smtg she would completely heal from but far enough that it didn't cling to her anymore like it did in the past
the memories were still there but with them there was kind acceptace that she couldn't have done anything better back that and she had handeled it all well enough
strnlvrr
it was like being forced back to that queit rejection to that little girl a few yrs back the manipulation tactics a bit more clearer now but she just swallowed everything and bottled it up tight as always like second nature that was when i had found the world of dramas books kpop stories it was so fascinating yet comforting at the same
well the little girl undergoing initials of puberty had found smtg she can escape to it had been slow but soon enough the stories she never dared to write, the smiles she felt jealous of yet somehow comforted by an industry built for addiction, to suck you in before you realised it that 8th standard girl just wanted an escape and well she finally found it and even better had access to it with a laptop being handed to her
and as if to hide the year she spent watching screen covid hid just around the finals and well the results were cancelled and lockdown stablished
almost 2 yrs of being at a place that didn't quiet feel like home back then 2 yrs of becoming consumed by the screen
emotions feelings and memories started to feel too tight around her throat it was slow at start smtg she could avoid escape from
but a few months and it was constant the constant reminder that she could not escape just so easily coz few patterns remained and never quiet went away lightened yeah but still there and suddenly they darkened ever than b4 and one day it all broke apart and she decided to maybe try again it had been yrs since then maybe they would understand
she had been bold and had even gotten support from her had gone and talked only to realise a few months after that ntg had changed and ntg ever would
strnlvrr
I'm back ✨
BorahaeBangtanies
Thank you for reading and showing your support to my story 'to be with you'. Really appreciate it (^^)
NaNaMach
Thanks for follow me