suchA_lover

Today, something happened that broke my whole existence.
          	
          	I did not passed in a state u that I was expecting I will.
          	
          	Sa totoo lang, expected ko na iyon, kumbaga sinubukan kong isipin para kung dadating, hindi ganun kasakit.
          	
          	But I was wrong.
          	
          	As I scan the list of passers, then suddenly I notice I wasn’t there—it just happened, my mind went blank.
          	
          	Parang huminto yung mundo ko. Lahat ng pangarap at plano ko isa-isa silang gumuho.
          	
          	I thought magiging okay eh, kasi nasa kalagitnaan na rin ako ng pagddoubt sa sarili ko, then this exam results adds another feeling to my open wound.
          	
          	Grabe yung disappoinment na naramdaman ko sa sarili ko, kahit na I was trying to look at the brighter side. Hindi ko mapigilan, kwestyunin at pagdudahan yung sarili ko.
          	
          	Now, I don’t know what’s my plan, tho yes—I have a back up plan, pero at the same time aware akong maraming sasagabal pa.
          	
          	Hindi ko alam kung kanino p’wedeng magsabi, hindi ko rin alam kung saan ko p’wedeng isisi.
          	
          	Kaya siguro, sa sarili na lang. Pero paano ko iintindihin at sisisihin ang sarili ko, kung at the same time it’s hurting itself?
          	
          	Alam kong hindi rito hihinto at matatapos ang lahat, pero dahil sa nangyari, parang naglaho rin lahat ng mga nakita at binuo ng isipan ko.
          	
          	I wish I could vent it out everything, without limiting and filtering my words.
          	
          	But guess what, it’s another me, myself and I in terms of this kind of situation.
          	
          	:((

suchA_lover

Today, something happened that broke my whole existence.
          
          I did not passed in a state u that I was expecting I will.
          
          Sa totoo lang, expected ko na iyon, kumbaga sinubukan kong isipin para kung dadating, hindi ganun kasakit.
          
          But I was wrong.
          
          As I scan the list of passers, then suddenly I notice I wasn’t there—it just happened, my mind went blank.
          
          Parang huminto yung mundo ko. Lahat ng pangarap at plano ko isa-isa silang gumuho.
          
          I thought magiging okay eh, kasi nasa kalagitnaan na rin ako ng pagddoubt sa sarili ko, then this exam results adds another feeling to my open wound.
          
          Grabe yung disappoinment na naramdaman ko sa sarili ko, kahit na I was trying to look at the brighter side. Hindi ko mapigilan, kwestyunin at pagdudahan yung sarili ko.
          
          Now, I don’t know what’s my plan, tho yes—I have a back up plan, pero at the same time aware akong maraming sasagabal pa.
          
          Hindi ko alam kung kanino p’wedeng magsabi, hindi ko rin alam kung saan ko p’wedeng isisi.
          
          Kaya siguro, sa sarili na lang. Pero paano ko iintindihin at sisisihin ang sarili ko, kung at the same time it’s hurting itself?
          
          Alam kong hindi rito hihinto at matatapos ang lahat, pero dahil sa nangyari, parang naglaho rin lahat ng mga nakita at binuo ng isipan ko.
          
          I wish I could vent it out everything, without limiting and filtering my words.
          
          But guess what, it’s another me, myself and I in terms of this kind of situation.
          
          :((

suchA_lover

A Letter to My Frustrated Little Self.
          
          
          (⁠灬⁠º⁠‿⁠º⁠灬⁠)⁠♡
          
          I hope everything gets better.
          
          I pray for blessings, consistency, and creativity.
          
          A few weeks ago, I decided to create something—to create my ideas and turn them into life.
          
          That's why I wrote this, so when I came back here—I have a reminder to myself. A reminder that you need to keep going.
          
          Don't leave them—and you yourself—hanging.
          
          Do it. Your creative ideas, your creative juices, your uniqueness, and your originality. Do it.
          
          Keep doing it. Whether you're scared, tired, happy, or sad, keep doing it even if you're inspired or not.
          
          You need to be consistent, committed, and passionate often.
          
          Do not even think of leaving it and abandoning it behind, because you...
          
          You need to finish what you've started.

suchA_lover

Happy Birthday Self.
          
          I know your happy and at the same time sad, because they forgot about your day and it's fine, you were expecting that in the first place right?
          
          I just want to tell you that it's okay, it's just a day, one day. You don't have to feel bad about yourself just because they totally forgot about you, it's fine okay? Stop being sad na. You can celebrate alone naman right? You can do it with or without them.
          
          Besides there are some people who did not forgot naman, so it's okay. Please be happy, I know you don't have plans to celebrate this, but just at least give yourself a enough and proper time to be genuinely happy, for example READ! The characters in the books will make you happy for sure, the sadness will be gone sooner or later so just read to forgot the ache.
          
          Happy Birthday Self, I love you and the characters from books surely loves you too.

suchA_lover

It contains grammatical and typographical errors.
          
          
          Hi. It's my birth month, and today I don't know what do I feel, ever since when I found out about my father's death, I couldn't sleep, I have a lot of regrets, what ifs, and a lot of questions. I couldn't help it but to blame myself. I always feel like I wasn't enough for him, that I will never be better than my sister, I always feel that he really doesn't love me, and I have my reasons to do believe what my instinct says. 
          
          Today, I don't know where to ask help, I decided not to ask anyone. I better go with myself. But I just couldn't handle it right now. I don't want to disturb anyone. They look good, I don't want to bother them. I admit. I am jealous of their life. They have a complete family, they have bond with their parents, while me? I am a mess, right now I'm on the edge. I feel like I am coming back to my old self. Old self who's weak, who couldn't stand alone, who couldn't live without anyones help.
          
          I don't want to experience again this sh't. Crying yourself at night, doubting yourself, worried about future, pressured in present, and regrets of past. But idk where to go, idk where should I seek help. 
          
          Natatakot na akong magsabi, na baka hindi naman nila maiintindihan, na baka wala naman talaga silang pakielam, na baka they don't want to be drag in with my miserable life.
          
          Idk what to feel, pakiramdam ko hindi na naman ako belong, pakiramdam ko napag-iiwanan na naman ako. Even my passion, my skills, my talents, parang wala na sila, pakiramdam ko wala na akong gana sa lahat. I coudln't even look at the bright side. Andito nanaman ako sa punto ng buhay ko na walang wala na naman akong malalapitan kapag nasa gantong sitwasyon na naman ako.
          
          Sosolohin ko na naman tong dinadamdam ko, kasi wala naman akong mapagsasabihan, but I really don't want to bother anyone, ayoko silang guluhin.

suchA_lover

Huling hagulgol ko dahil sa mabibigat na dinadamdam, napakatagal na, and I couldn't handle myself right now. Kaya hindi ko din alam kung pa'no ko papatahanin tong sarili ko.
            
            I just wanted to be heard right now, to be asked, to be checked, "How are me?" "How is it going with me?" Pero syempre put— sino ba ako para mag demand ng oras ng iba? I was just nothing okay?
            
            I am not their priority, and I shouldn't meddle with their lives. I must fight this alone, I shouldn't ask for their help, because they have a life, they also have a silent battles that I don't know.
            
            Pero kahit for once? Can't I feel the same treatment that I gave to them? Am I not deserving to be heard? Pa'no ako.
            
            Kung anjan naman ako noon para intindihin sila, pero pa'no ako? Pa'no pag hindi ko na maintindihan yung sarili ko ngayon? Pa'no pag ako naman yung may kailangan ng makakaintindi sa'kin? Sinong anjan para sa'kin?
            
            I don't want to be dramatic over this, but I just couldn't bare the pain right now, I don't want to be suic'dal again, at mas lalong agaw ko na ulit mag att'mpt. Just because I am triggered abt my current situations.
            
            
            Today, is August 1st. The first day of my birth month, but the only thing I could feel rn, is that I am hurting silently, and I don't want to ask for anyones help now.
            
            3am, I'm wide awake.
            
            
            Hey! If you read this, I am sorry for wasting your time, I didn't mean to, this is the only application or flatform I think that I can post freely what do I feel, besides as if someone will read this sh't. Whatever.
            
            
            Badnight to me. Or midnight?
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suchA_lover

Pero mas lalong ayoko din namang bumalik sa dating ako, but I don't want to be a burden to anyone, and I don't even know why the hell I am writing this, but because I am desperate to be heard by someone. I am craving for someones attention. I am begging for someone to listen and understand me at my worst.
            
            Because right now, hindi ko matulungan yung sarili ko. I just wanted to ask for someones help, kasi parang naubusan ata ako ngayon, na pati sarili ko hindi ko na matulungan, kasi naitulong ko na sa iba.
            
            I am hurting, and I doubt myself, I am blaming myself for everything, wala na bang katapusan 'to?
            
            Walang katapusang tanong, na hindi naman na din masasagot ng sino man kahit na ako.
            
            I don't want to be a wreck, but I couldn't help it. The last time I sobbed so hard at night, was years ago.
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