Suicidal Addict

I constantly bite my tongue when things go wrong. It's hurting the relationship between us because when I finally speak my piece it comes out angered and full of hatred. I haven't used this in a while because I didn't think it was necessary, but instead, it helped me get out my thoughts that I can't speak about. 
          
          Communication is not my strong suit. I used to draw about my feelings or for the distraction but I don't have the energy for it... I used to write and keep journals about everything but then I became lost for words... I used to love practicing being a Wiccan but now it just feels like it's a waste of time. I'm so far beyond being broken and I don't think that anyone can actually help me. I don't know if I want someone's help... I hate my flaws being pointed out, that means that all my cards are out on the table for that persons use and it terrifies me. I miss when everything was simple: my relationships, staying quiet, cutting and starving myself, everything... I miss the self-abuse, the pain and suffrage gave by my hand. I sometimes miss not having a boyfriend who cared about me so much because it meant I couldn't hurt nor disappoint someone so close to me. I'm a fuck up and I know it. I constantly fuck up and half of the time I don't mean to like I actually don't plan it and that's what hurts the most... 
          
          I just need a break from everything and get away. Get fucked up by myself and just lay in a field, looking up at the sky and just think about where everything went wrong or just do absolutely nothing... I haven't fully decided yet. All I know is, I need to get horribly fucked up and escape. I deserve it.

Constantly fighting, crying, and throwing things. Arguing over situations because they're unresolved. Pushing back to our corners because we need a break. It's an endless battle that is never-ending. Never-ending screaming and crying. We're brought on this world to love and care for each other, instead we're tearing down to pieces. It never fails. Stopped making scars, stopped making wounds that's an ugly reminder. It changed for the worse instead of the better. Everyone destroys and knocks me down.  They're always criticizing what I'm doing; always something wrong by the way. I never do right by people, I'm going crazy. I'm not happy, I'm not satisfied. Not by how people are acting, but how I am. Constantly, I'm being destroyed by my thoughts, self-concious about my body, hatred on my personality. Everything. I'm just breaking down and wanting to be mute and cut all over again. I'm no where near happy which also means I cannot make others happy when they are around me. Can I just give up? I'm unhappy and I know I'm ready to leave this world. Just let me already, please...

I want to cut, cry, and die. I am so terrified to be alone, it haunts me. Torturing me with dark memories that never happened... being alone scares me when I’m in the dark. Last night, I was awoken but a entity that horrified me. I come here through fear to be discovered, by him. I don’t want to be known for not sleeping well. I don’t want worry or panic. I want the happiness told by others I deserve. I miss it. The warm protection. Seeing a bright smile brings hope, the tears bring me nightmares. Day time, hardly rest, same at night. I can’t run from it. The pain and visions hurt, there torturous and almost real. 
          
          Being set free from the darkness is the request not yet achieved. Being cheerful and alive has not been accomplished quite yet. Arriving here takes time and challenged, but I’m willing to fight for them. Great happiness comes with greater consequences (always told through the young childhood of my life). I know survival is key. But it’s a battle. 
          
          I’m sorry for the running to my old account.... i didn’t want it to be known just quite yet.... 
          
          So until next time.... I guess. 

Babe. Im sorry ok im so fucking sorry. It will never happen again please forgive me. I love you never forget that  please talk to me when you get a chance. 

I am a fuck up. I flirt with people I shouldn't. I am a who're I don't mean to.... I try to make people happy and I fail. I am worthless and I should die. No one deserves or needs me. Everyone is better without me. I belong in a hole 6ft under. I belong rotting in hell.... I'm upset and no one cares. They just call me names. I'm a whore, slut, a bitch, a depressed fuck.... I'm useless and shouldn't be happy. I want to turn back to cutting so bad, turn to drugs and alcohol again. I want all the pain to disappear. No one needs me. I'm a wreck.... I shouldn't be happy...... kill me please. Let me die... Let me disappear......

We say sorry like it's a greeting. We apologize for everything that goes wrong, because we label ourselves as the destroyer. We are sorry for not being good enough, because no one told us we were. No one ever tells us that we were something more than the mess inside our hearts. We say sorry too often, we apologize for apologizing too much. So all we know was to apologize for every single breath we took.

Talking to a person that has brought so much happiness in the past to now tearing my world apart with the memories.... I don't know how to respond,  I've pushed these thoughts and memories down and tried to ignore them... It almost worked until she whispered a moment we had with him.. 
          Every kiss,  every deep conversation,  every laugh that we encountered together came back today. It went to happiness then darkness.. I have screwed up in Many ways,  but saying it out loud,  there is no words that can be put together to show how much it hurts me.... 
          I'm sorry for everything I've done...  

"My demons, 
          though quiet, 
          are never quite silenced.
          
          Calm as they may be, 
          they wait patiently
          for a reason to wake,
          take an overdue breath,
          And crawl back to my ear."
          
          Tonight I told her the truth, I told her what I've been lying about for months. I told her that I hate myself and I'm a disappointment that has no reason to live.... what she doesn't realize is that I hate myself because I'm depressed, a cheater, a psychotic little child. But she still had the nerves to call me names; although, I was in tears saying I hate myself. She manages to let the words "you're a whore." and telling me that I only want to move back home because I can open my legs. 
          
          In reality, I only had sex dealing with pain and suffering... horrible memories haunt my mind at night in the dark. I cry myself to sleep or sit there blaring my music to block the voices. It's either I sleep all day or stay away all night... trapped.... forgotten.... unheard..... alone. No one sees that I truly and a screwed up girl wanting help but too scared to actually speak up and ask.
          
          All night of fighting and arguing, I walk away and just let all my anger go in the only way I know how. I sat in my dark room, crying, bleeding, wanting all this pain to go away..... for me to just... go away...

I feel sick to my stomach everytime he fucked her. He forgets he is still attached to me. Plus I'm psychotic and research, check up, and friend anyone and everyone I need to for information. Yes, being friends with her is amazing. But lying to her and acting like I don't know what's going on or that I am like not dating him is hard. Every night me and him talk I end up going off on him and making him feel f horrible because I need him to realize that he is hurting both of us. 
          
          She is dealing with her bestfriend/ grandmother pass way slowly, she's depressed as all can be. && me... i don't have it as bad as her and I still would put others happiness before my own... just he needs to choose, Me or Her.. Happiness or Constant fighting, See at Anytime or Every other Weekend, Sex Whenever or Worry if there will be a Panic Attack.... 

I fucked up super hard this week, I manage to ruin 2 of my friendships and my my fiancé. I kissed my friend Zak during homecoming which got me being called a cheater (which I deserved) and my engagement with Eric. I have exs' that died to pop up back in my life to see if I wanted to have sex with them or get back together with them. Idk what to do honestly, I love Eric to death and I wasn't thinking Saturday night. 
          
          No one understands that the reason the kiss occurred was a dare, me drinking, and someone coming out of me that I've buried deep down inside. Eric Len Boller, if you ever decided to read this just know I am truly sorry and wish to go back and change that decision that was made..