insomnia is not beautiful. the way i have to force my eyelids to close and the way it feels like i bruise them when i do is not beautiful. mental illness is not beautiful. the way i shake when i see him, not out of excitement, but fear- paralyzing fear when i see him, the way my throat closes up like there's a fist curled around it, choking for words that won't escape, that is not beautiful. // 2.21.18