Sunny

this past friday i officially graduated with an Honours Bachelor’s degree in Psychology  it feels like just yesterday i was starting my first year of undergrad in my basement doing all online courses because of the COVID-19 lockdown; it’s so crazy to see how far i’ve really come and i don’t think i’ve ever really said it but i think i am genuinely proud of myself  

i will always advocate for going to therapy for literally any reason bc it can be so life changing but let me tell you, finding out how badly i’ve been dismissing things that bother me in my relationship and realizing that no matter how many times i try and make my needs known, i’m the only one who’s genuinely owning up to my flaws and trying to work on them so that i can grow as a person and help better our relationship is so heartbreaking and emotionally draining.
          
          despite the fact that i’m looking to get my masters and become a psychotherapist, i never fully understood the saying in therapy that’s like “it’s going to feel worse before it feels better” until now and i am hoping that this somehow works itself out soon because it’s so exhausting right now.

come back on here after a month to discover wattpad removed direct message…that’s so dumb like for what tho???

I don't if you saw the announcement, but after the 6th Wattpad will no longer allow private messages and will delete the old ones.  I'm generally disappointed by this as I thought it was an important feature.  Also disappointed because I fear it will result in people losing touch.  If you want to send me direst messages, I am on Instagram and Discord as 1775rik.  Also am on Twitter as handleyboy@1775rik.  I realize you may not want to use any of these as it could effect your anonymity.  And that would be perfectly understandable.  And I guess the public message feature will still be available here, but that would lilkely be even less satisfactory.  But if we do fall out of touch, know that you have my best wishes and confidence.

i went to see noah kahan in concert a few days ago and it was the first concert i’ve ever been to for my own love of the artist because i resonate so completely with his music and i wanted to share my experience…
          
          it was so surreal and i felt the exact moment where every single version of me who had any desire to not be on this earth anymore finally felt understood, heard, loved, and like they weren’t alone. i genuinely mean it when i say that i internally thanked myself for not going through with any of those thoughts because it led me to that moment at the concert where i was overcome with so much happiness and peace and it was just such an amazing feeling. 
          
          

i submitted a request form to a psychologist clinic for an autism assessment… we shall see if i was either right that there was something more going on or if i’m just delusional 

just a gentle reminder that you can do hard things ❤️
          and even if you feel like your glass is only 1/4 full, but you’re trying your best to get by everyday, you’re not giving only 25% of your energy, you’re giving 100% because that 1/4 is currently all you have and that’s okay ❤️

so i started my new co-op and i’ve already had to fight back 2 anxiety attacks both about an hour each. the first of which resulted in me crying my entire 45 minute drive home once i finished. 
          i can’t have this summer be like last summer and have me crying every single day from how stressed i am.
          my only issue is if i quit, which i really want to do to, i’m removed from the co-op portion of my program because technically ur not allowed to quit your co-op once you start it. but i genuinely don’t think i can do this for 3 months 30 hrs a week 

I just finished Icebreaker by Hannah Grace and oh my fucking god when I tell you I genuinely fell so in love with this book. It was perfect in every single way. 
          Definitely a must read if you haven’t! 
          Honestly makes me want to write my own romance novel

i think everyone has one specific year or moment in their life they’ll forever wish they could go back to to re-feel that feeling and i think recently i’ve discovered mine. 
          
          May-August of 2021
          I grew so much coming out of a toxic relationship (although i got back into a new even more toxic one by the end of august but thankfully only a month long), but within those 4 months i experienced so much, i felt so much, i lived so much. 
          and it’s bitter sweet to look back on it bc although i’m so glad those memories are mine, i will always envy the girl in those memories because she’ll forever be frozen in those moments, always feeling that feeling i now miss, and my current self and future self will never truly feel that same feeling again. 
          the things i would do to go back there just for one night. back in the car with my best friend and our little group. back at the beach making a little campfire together at 2am with no worry in the world. it was so carefree. and in those moments i don’t think i ever realized i would never feel that way again. all the drives we took, the night we walked around a little town together, the 4 of us, laughing, talking, our last moments as teenagers before we became adults less than a year later. i don’t think i will ever be able to explain that feeling. an image i think of when i think of the feeling is being on a hiking trail and finding a little shop or cabin, overgrown with leaves and flowers, but it’s still open, welcoming people in, they sell little knickknacks, and the sun shines through the windows and its warm with a cool breeze. music helps me feel it, but it’s not the same. 
          
          it hurts, a lot. but i guess all i can do is be thankful i have memories like that.