.

sometimes when the world makes me feel small, when my existence feels inconsequential, you hold me and make me believe that i'm worth so much more than what i think.  you tell me that I'm the heroine, like those in the books you've read, but braver and  incomparable. you tell me I'm the main character and the world revolves around me and that my problems are there because it serves as conflicts to my story. everyone treats me the way they treat me because i'm the protagonist. but eventually, i'm going to have my plot twist, my turning point, my happy ending. you tell me that i'm going to be happy, that i deserve to be happy. you make me believe that my life is made of different shades of color, more significant and livelier than what i think. you make me hope that my life isn't one meaningless life among millions of meaningless lives. you make me think that i am one of a kind, like a flower amongst the weeds. and you know, you are such a great story-teller. because when it gets hard, your words get me through. but when it even gets harder, it makes me feel angry with you, because you're a liar and i'm so willing to live in the world of lies you've made up for me.
          
          
          
          (ooooohhhhhhhhh that's strong.)

it reminds me of that time when i care so much about you. that time when i see you everywhere, when i hear your name everytime. it reminds me of how much i care about you. . before.
          
          but now. i stopped caring. 
          there's only a sinking feeling left. a pit somewhere in my chest. a hollow part.
          but that's okay, i guess.
          you really can't move on when you don't let go of a small part of you.

how do you write?

one more post, because i love posting here. less eyes, less judgment. not that i care, it's just not all my thoughts should be available to everyone. 
          
          actually, gusto ko mag-soft block sa twitter acc ko. unlike before, nahihirapan na ko mag-tweet ng gusto ko without u know people meddling in ur business 
          
          I MEAN FOR SURE THEY PROBABLY DONT CARE 
          
          pero kasi,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i feel anxious
          
          even tweeting about books, i feel like someone's backhandling me saying i tweet a lot about irrelevant things.
          
          LIKE. sure, jan. that's my account for a reason. if u don't want to see my irrelevant book reviews, just unfollow me????????
          
          plus one more, it's more difficult to tweet now that almost everyone creates a different context of your tweet. i mean, i'm also one of those people pero i try my best naman not to make a story behind it.
          
          anyway yun lang i'm out of thoughts

tbh, i prefer handling my own problems. wala, mas lalo lang ako nagiging uncomfortable pag tinatanong ako kung may problema ba ako o kung okay lang ako. or bakit ba ako malungkot (KASI HONESTLY HINDI KO ALAM)
          
          i prefer saying it voluntarily rather than someone asking me about it. i prefer ranting about it, complain about it, shout my problems to the void (aka social media) without people minding my business,,,,,i mean if i want help,,,, i'd literally ask u about it
          
          i know thank u for worrying. thank u for the concern. thanks for asking me i know not a lot of people gets the chance to be asked. napaka-ungrateful ko diba. 
          
          but magkakaiba naman tayo eh. so ayon kahit alam ko namang onti lang makakabasa nito.
          
          thank u sa mga taong pinapabayaan lang ako pag badtrip ako or pag wala ako sa mood. thanks for not asking bc i swear kahit ako hindi ko alam.
          
          hayaan nyo na lang ako mag-drama, u know hormones or kulang ako sa tulog or gutom ako. maya-maya naman okay na ulit ako.
          
          ganon naman nagwowork yon. for me.
          
          plus, i know how to take care of myself. i make me times. i'm not guilty of making time for myself. to breathe. to stop. U SHOULDNT
          
          
          anyway, i feel really bad pag nagssnap ako sa mga tao dahil lang kulang ako sa tulog at naisipan nilang tanungin ako nang paulit-ulit. kaya most of the time i try to avoid things/people that makes me really really stressful. 
          
          if i don't talk that's because i don't have the energy. madaldal naman ako pag kailangan eh.
          
          ALSO SORRY TALAGA PAGNAGSSNAP AKO HUHUHUHUHHU
          
          back to the topic at hand, don't worry about me. i can 100% handle my problems. and i will 100% ask for help if not.

finished a whole plot + the synopsis. currently completing some parts tapos editing + proofreading pero mami i did it
          
          kailan ko kaya balak i-post GSHAGSKAGSJAHAK

i don't think i can write poems again. i don't think i can express myself the same way before. i can barely even feel. barely even use words i've written before. i think i've poured all of them on one person. adjectives and nouns and verbs to explain this madness of feelings, only for one person. so i don't think i had left in me for me to write.
          
          i think i've said enough. so what else is there to say
          
          
          [ i don't think i'll write to anyone again. i might find myself using the same words and might find you running in my mind. i think i'm scared to find out that i never really let myself fully let go of certain things. 
          
          i might find that u still stick like stain. and i would HATE that. ]

dito na lang ako magkakalat tas ididelete ko after ayoko kasi sa twitter andaming nangingialam ng tweets don tas lagi gusto nilang malaman yung context ng tweet ko pag hindi nila nalaman gagawa sila ng sarili nilang context. kaya nga ako naka-private mga pashnea talaga ANYWAY AAAAAAAAA 

ang boring ng walang crush honestly, wala akong nakukulit. nakakamiss magpapa-pansin like hello crush i exist. pero ngayon uhm. yep. boring.
          
          but it has perks no,,,, ngayon ko lang na-realize na ang cringe pala nung ibang mga shared posts sa fb para sa crush omigosh
          
          saka na-realize ko din i can write without having a crush naman.
          
          SAKA LESS SAKIT SA PUSO. wala akong iniintindi diba HSJSJSKSJSSKSKS
          
          pero boring pa rin kasi wala akong ma-annoy DHJSHDHSH 

this is what's wrong with us.
          we give too much.
          we hand our heart to those we think could take care of it.
          we care too much.
          we worry about them and pray that they will get well soon.
          we appreciate too much.
          we write poems and letters that they will never read and whisper words that they will never hear.
          is it really a crime to give most of us when they still take even a little?
          is it really bad that we still felt acknowledged even after they throw those small parts of us?
          is it really stupid to stupidly long for someone who would never ever ever ever ever 
          give care appreciate
          or do half the efforts we stupidly did for them
          or even turn a head to look at us.
          isn't it the worse? isn't it not right?
          when we are worth more than enough yet they still make us feel less?
          
          is it idiotic to say that even though you're a wrong event in my life, i still felt like you're almost the best thing that ever happened to me?
          
          
          .
          .
          .
          .
          -m
          
          PROBABLY THE MOST DRAMATIC PROSE IVE EVER WRITTEN. IM NOT GOING ON THRU SOME HEARTBREAK!!!!!!! I JUST READ SOMETHING AND I JUST HAD TO WRITE HAHAHAHA ///also why am i doing this small note, when no one's reading this other than me HSKJSJSJ i like the sound of my words in my head THATS WHY///