can food

God, I need to get into writing again, but wattpad has turned into such an unorganized sandbox, that has its perks, but man, I'm gonna be contributing to all the slop. Too many isekais, or half ass bad tropes, no good delivery, no potential. No depth. It's a whole other world, and this is what you deliver? C'mon. That's why it's probably better to start with a given world, or just irl. "Writers" don't got the brain power to explain allat. 

You only remember good things, and I wonder if that is a trap too. One to chase vindication, the other where I do it to myself, remembering all the bad things and you, cyclical in your laughs and love, suffused like sickness in sweat, under blankets. I should have let it go years ago, I knew it was only good fun. All these traps made with a lack of intent, we were never trying to build anything. God, I wanted something. I wanted it. I accept it, I'll come back to you and tell you, with all fumbling foolishness because what I look like to you couldn't be worse than who I was when I didn't even know to ask for things, to live. You only remember good things, and maybe that's your love, maybe that's your guilt. Let's restart, let's be defined by forgiveness. 
          
          

You tell me you know because it's easier to admit stagnancy in our demeanors. You tell me you know not to explore the nuances of our connection but to acknowledge that it will happen. You tell me you know because there's no easier way to admit to right now. 
          I know you know, and that's the bandwidth of our intimacy. The only way forward. I know. 

When I realized I couldn't love you the best, versions of us died and I would love you in a future, always a future, to deny that I pushed all of it away, for it to sleep in possibility than right now. 
          
          Back then, I would think of another life, a hundred of them but the more I live this one hardly by your side but your weary soul, I realize, could another life prove we would be there in each other's hardest moments. Why not then, back then, why not now? 
          
          Apathy was the softest thing we gave to each other when our love shattered our identities, when our pride in who we were to each other couldn't pull through. Life tested us, and we failed. In the future I'll love you better, but always in the future because your softness is still in abundance. I don't deserve to ask for more that you remember me like a fact rather than an emotion crossing timelines, crossing cured memories to feel in an honest way. 
          
          I feel you not in the immaturity of asking for imaginary lives. I feel you. I feel you. I wouldn't take back anything even if I can't make you feel seen now, even if I'm not allowed. Who you are is someone that is soft on my soul. 

Everything is so dumb, when you don't even care for yourself. Like you spend years writing poetry over one person, and every second of doing that, you know you're messed up. And you're okay with it, but one day,  you wake up, realize the consequences were being boring. No, you knew then too, but it created a lack of intimacy with the world you craved for so long. But guess what. You meet great people, and now you have to catch up. And the whole time you were telling the world and yourself you were boring, you were really just angry. And you don't want these great people to know. now I have to get hobbies to explain away my childhood, ugh. The things I do for myself.  

I can't bother 

I've been hit with spiritual psychosis but also anime girls, but also my brain hurts to think in regards to anything bigger than 2+2 

Had a Nostalgia trip, I'm grateful. Despite the major themes in my drabbles staying the same, the smaller changes prove me something. 

I think my mobile Wattpad is busted ಠಿ⁠_⁠ಠ

Shit I had a mental illness, I'm grateful for pregnant/gay thanksgiving