yare yare

i hate to admit it but i miss him. i regret not letting him know that he's so precious to me and i was not serious when i got mad at him and i have always wanted to hold his hands, arms, walk with him together side by side, do things together and accompany him longer when it's just both of us. i regret that i despised the word 'love' so much just because it was hard to believe the virtues that it hold.
          
          ino anoh noh pak? dicu mik apak toh. aan atak noh jaka tuh? koh kecen nangek unang noh dareh tero. dah noh mashey ngan koh? selamat dicem pak, turo paik koh. 

it's just that, it's just quite misery for me, to keep being reminded of the fact that i now have lost him. 'do i have nothing to go home for now?' everytime the thoughts of him come to my mind, i ask myself that. i miss our fights. i miss him keep asking me to update him everything i do. i miss how he would bring up something unnecessary sometimes. i miss how he would randomly update what he does. i miss everything that we both would do when we're distant. because now, i am fully aware that, we're totally distant. we would never meet again in this life. the last time i saw him and hold his cold hands was 27th May 2024. 24th May 2024 was the day he exhaled his last breath, that was when we stopped sharing the same air, i knew right at that moment i no longer have to smell any of his bad breath anymore. he was lifeless on the day my spm result came out. i wonder how he would react or how his expression would be if i tell him i actually got A for addmath. it's the subject that i have always bragged about to him. and of course, it's so usual for him to underestimate me when it comes to me liking stuff that he's not fond of or not good at.

im back fella, it's been so long since i had updated about my spm. grateful enough to say i did well even though i did not score as what i was set to score by school. but yea it was the best result i have ever gotten throughout my upper form journey in secondary school. 
          
          am currently several districts away from my city for further studies purposes. still in the first semester and i cant wait for the one week break starting 13th September. like i am all excited to go back to my home and meet my family, friends and dog. 

next week is gonna be the first week of pra spm 1 huhuu 
          
          i can feel that i'm not as anxious as usual when there's an exam around the corner haha (i feel so dead tbh)
          
          anyways, i won't set my target too high this time. i'm just gonna go with the flow
          
          i can't wait for the long holiday after pra spm 1! ig i won't be celebrating gawai, but prolly gonna get invited to relative's house cuz ik they're gonna celebrate it huh, hopefully that wouldn't interrupt MY HOLIDAY i freaking treasure my holiday, idc i spend it wrongly or correctly. again, i repeat, it's MY HOLIDAY. let me take a break from this mentally draining school, just let me do what i want mattaku
          
          

mada ikite imasu

krinj

i need to sleeeppppp. i know damn well what consequences i'll be facing tomorrow if i do not force my eyes to shut rn. curse the caffeine we took today, dearself. let's just put all the blame on it, now sleeepppp.

i started watching kdrama recently. i never expected that kdrama can actually be a good source of happiness sometimes. should've tried it long time ago. :)

"Dahulu aku membencinya. Kata-kata simpati atau ungkapan kekhawatiran. Aku merasa mereka tak tahu perasaanku. Jadi, perkataan dan tindakan mereka terasa tak berarti. Jadi, aku berpura-pura baik-baik sahaja dan memercayainya." - Kang Tae Moo, Business Proposal

fvck.