swag

does anyone still read my books? i know i haven’t updated in forever. i’ve lost all motivation to do so and not as into these fandoms as i used to be. i still love 5sos and the DSMP to death, it’s just i don’t have the motive to write fanfic about them. 

wattpad should really make it to where you can block people from reading your stories. 

STREAM MASK!! 
          
          also i’m going get my permit monday!! and i’m meeting my bestfriend who lives 14 hours away from me in 19 days!!

i have therapy today. i take my driving course tomorrow. saturday i’m going to my grandmas. sunday is being spent with my family. i have a really bad anxiety attack last night. this is too much. i’m overstimulated and overwhelmed already, i don’t need more. 

i’m sorry about all the times i’ve ranted on my board. i just don’t have anyone (in real life) that i can talk to about stuff like this. 

i’m so tired, but too scared to sleep. i think “what if i don’t wake up?” it’s gotten to the point to where i would be okay with that, but also not at the same time. life is this confusing mess of tangled wires that are so hard to undo. life is like when you have your headphones in your pocket for too long and they end up being a ball of rubber string that emits sound. i don’t even know what to do anymore. i can’t remember the last time i truly felt secure with life. well, when i was much younger and didn’t have so much weight, such as school, to carry, but here i am at 16 years old, debating wether or not i’m ready to not wake up. 

as most of you know, if you read my A/Ns in my books, i update irregularly. it’s mostly because of school. i’m sorry about that, i wish i had more time. but i’m working really hard to get new chapters out as soon as possible. it’s just that whenever i get free time, i use it to sleep because i have issues with sleeping at night. i’m back in school full time and i think that’s what i need to keep my grades up for now. i’m working really hard to please my parents, my friends, and you guys. i hope you understand and can forgive me for this terrible schedule of updating. i really do appreciate the 1.8k reads on my 5SOS oneshots though. much love. from, chloe. 

my brother sent me deeper into my depression. 
          
          i purchased a tattoo gun kit because i really want to get practice with it and possibly do that in the cuter as a side hobby thing. i showed him the kit because i was so excited and i was jokingly saying “so when are you going to let me tattoo you?” and he said “i cant even trust you to clean your room.”
          
          i mean, i know my room is messy, but you don’t go through the shit that i do. i sit in constant thought of wether or should just disappear or not. i think i’m gonna talk to my mom about getting me out on anti-depressants. 

hey guys... for those of you who actually read my notifications i send out, i’m going to say my book is on hold for now. everything is hurting me. school, toxic siblings, toxic friends, me moving into the house again, it’s all affecting me right now and i just need a break. i have only left my bed twice today. the first time was to get a package that was delivered and the second time was to use the bathroom. 

my brother and his girlfriend moved in at my house and now it’s so much more toxic than it was before. i had to give up my camper that was in the back yard for them and now i’m living in the house again. my mom got the caper so i wouldn’t want to move in with my dad, and now it’s taken from me.