Okay! I finished correcting your first chapter "Prologue", I gotta say, I am deeply impressed by your writing style! I really like your choice of words and your rhethorical devices, it was touching to read and I definently felt that power your character radiates! I immediatly caught up the mysterious, meancholic vibe your story has, I had an exact image of the rooftop in my head. Good job!
But the structure of your text need some rework. You described your character in much detail, but at somepoint you started repeated yourself, telling the same thing with different words which was a little tedious.
Another thing that bugged me is that the describtion of the appearance wasn't really in order. For example, you wrote the detailed description of her eyes right in the beginning and then moved on to the general facial features. This destroys the flow" a litte and confuses your readers, only after multiple re- reads I managed to build an image of her.
Lastly, I would mention her feelings and current thoughts, let the reader get to know your character a little better. What is she thinking at the moment? How does she feel? What does she feel? What are her motives to help her brother? Do they have a good or difficult relationship? What is she doing on the rooftop exactly? Ask yourself those questions and build them in. I noticed that you want to keep the general plot vague in a way to leave the reader mysteriously in the dark, but introducing your characters personality and sensations doesn't take that away.
I hope that I could've helped, if you have any questions or need more details on some specific aspect, you can leave me a message at any time :D
Thank you so much for your trust!
Vanillamon
