So it's been like 3 months since my last message and things have been going-- neutral.. I guess. I got my moving up ceremony 9 days ago, break started and my brother went home from school. He was still the same as ever, loiters in my room, sang mindlessly and annoy me a lot. Though 4 days ago, he stopped being the typical him as always and I found it odd. Sure I always brushed him off when he's recklessly bickering around me and call him out for being ugly that no girls will go his way-- the usual banter siblings would do-- but deep down, I didn't say it by heart and I truly care for him as a sibling. But he suddenly stopped after certain situation if I must say. I recall he started acting like it when I was on blues. That moment, he asked me to say what happened and I brushed off his worries like a rock tossed on to the ocean, saying that I'm fine.
You see, I am not a person who opens up. In fact, I never opened to any people once in my life (depending on the situation). My own struggles I face, I keep them shut and let it grow away because eventually, they'll go away on their own. But it really didn't after 4 years. My parents never checked on me if I'm emotionally stable anyway so why bother to state out my situation I'm struggling. I'll end up being a burden to them anyway. So that's it, even the closest friends I have, I never once opened my mouth filled with sorrow. That's why that day, I bluntly said to my brother "I'm okay" multiple times. He insisted, being the typical him as always and I always respond the same. Then he uttered, "we're not going to be able to help if you keep it close"
I don't know why, but that actually-- really stabbed a blade through my heart. I might be exaggerating but right then and there, I was filled with regret, or guilt? I didn't know what to feel and didn't know what to say so I stayed quiet, and he scrolled on his phone.
