𝙽𝚒𝚓𝚒

whoever is reading my wall of corniness, feel free to criticize cuz damn I didn't think twice writing these before publishing 

So it's been like 3 months since my last message and things have been going-- neutral.. I guess. I got my moving up ceremony 9 days ago, break started and my brother went home from school. He was still the same as ever, loiters in my room, sang mindlessly and annoy me a lot. Though 4 days ago, he stopped being the typical him as always and I found it odd. Sure I always brushed him off when he's recklessly bickering around me and call him out for being ugly that no girls will go his way-- the usual banter siblings would do-- but deep down, I didn't say it by heart and I truly care for him as a sibling. But he suddenly stopped after certain situation if I must say. I recall he started acting like it when I was on blues. That moment, he asked me to say what happened and I brushed off his worries like a rock tossed on to the ocean, saying that I'm fine.
          
          You see, I am not a person who opens up. In fact, I never opened to any people once in my life (depending on the situation). My own struggles I face, I keep them shut and let it grow away because eventually, they'll go away on their own. But it really didn't after 4 years. My parents never checked on me if I'm emotionally stable anyway so why bother to state out my situation I'm struggling. I'll end up being a burden to them anyway. So that's it, even the closest friends I have, I never once opened my mouth filled with sorrow. That's why that day, I bluntly said to my brother "I'm okay" multiple times. He insisted, being the typical him as always and I always respond the same. Then he uttered, "we're not going to be able to help if you keep it close"
          
          I don't know why, but that actually-- really stabbed a blade through my heart. I might be exaggerating but right then and there, I was filled with regret, or guilt? I didn't know what to feel and didn't know what to say so I stayed quiet, and he scrolled on his phone.

I never thought I would spend new years eve sleeping:cry: I dreamt of receiving a gift that actually made me hope to receive it (well in my dreams). I caught a glimpse of the large well-wrapped gift right before the corner of my eyes and then I woke up. Woken up by no other than my mom. I'm not blaming her though, I'm actually glad that she got me out of that hell hole. It made me hope for something impossible.
          
          I don't know why am I even worked up for something so puny. Am I this desperate to receive one or has it been awhile since I received one. Either way, I wanted and never wanted to stay in that place.
          
          This day really made me realize how frustrating this year is. I loathed everything that went in my way. I almost finished a notebook full of whatnots and notes app being 150+ pages this year. I can't believe I spent this year doing nothing and rot on whatever places that fate decided upon me. Having writers block, no passion to study, sleepless nights and repeat the cycle. Going to school felt like garbage.
          
          Maybw this year is not for me LMAOOO ts is so corny

Ever so randomly I'm getting random thoughts out of nowhere. I want to learn something new not involving common fields, but the ones that are very niche. You know where I'm going right?
          
          Just so you know, my brother is kind of a nerd and he taught me things that only the higher sense of information people knows— yet I barely hang on to it. I have a ridiculous attention span comparable to a minuscule ant with 1 brain cell. My mind strays of to somewhere who knows what and why when the main situation is right before me.
          
          Okay, onto the stuff. So first, all I can remember is he told me the difference between geeks and nerds. Kinda a random one in the middle of nowhere where he randomly paused the episode we were watching which was Stranger Things s2 episode idk.
          
          So,
          
          Nerds are those that are greatly educated on multiple niche topics and interested on complicated atrocities whatsoever. They tend to be blabberous when asked by that one topic that sparks within them. Usually the common one I know that they tend to be into is Dungeons and Dragons. I seriously cannot fathom on how to play this game, it's so complicated and having this attention span of mine is worse to be compatible of this, it will probably only contribute to my problems. Or maybe I just need to be surrounded by those who share the same interests as me. Unfortunately, I don't have one.
          
          Geeks on the other hand, are those who are greatly educated on 1 certain topic. They're somewhat close to being a nerd but more less. You can't be a nerd if you're not a geek as my brother says so. (I don't even remember if that's the right line but if you do, feel free to correct the statement).
          
          So that's probably it. I'll go read now.
           Happy Holidays everyone.

may the wind carry cheerful banters and chatters of unity and guide me to a path where I feel content

Boy, I'm tired as hell. Idk if it's the lack of sleep or my lost will of being for failing my exam.. I'M GONNA CRY, I've disappointed my parents yet again. There goes a day full of regret gnawing at me again. Kill me

My parents revolt me as much as I hate myself. They went on endless quarreling and berate 2 days ago-- infront of me and my sibling, and it was fortunate enough to happen early through the night. If it were to happen during midnight, we'd get many complaints which would probably fuel the argument especially my perfectionist mother. I hate the way they build on their relationship tbh, toxicity and pride is all I see from this family and it looks like I've got no way out and just continue to live under the same roof with these people. 
          
          But anyways, I failed in class once again. Is there any way to improve and make your parents proud-- to have their smile more genuine towards me. Wait, why am I even seeking answers for it when I abhor them deeply. Am I seeking for appreciation? Probably. 
          
          
          
          Is there any chance they would start reassuring me that not all days we go up?
          
          I hate this, I hate myself

LET'S GOOOO HELL'S PARADISE S22222

 remember, it takes time to grow a flower. once it blooms, an undeniable beauty is perceived—and that's us humans. all it takes is patience and determination to fulfill our most desirable dreams. that way, not only we feel satisfaction but also a sense of relief for the task we handle.

the world is such a wicked place to live in. it's unfortunate I've been detached from its positivity despite living a mediocre life. likely, equity is considered more valuable than equality. while the rich are treated the best, the ones who struggle are never acknowledged. I, being so young, just observe my surroundings and think differently from others. Like issues involving corruption in my country or something like that—I don't bat a single eye on them nor even try to raise concern about it. and I find it real difficult because when it comes to people who'll ask me my personal thoughts about stuff when it comes to governance, I literally just let my gaze bore at them and pretend that I know something about it
          especially during a journalism event thingy at my school, press conference like that, I literally did not know what I wrote and just went with the flow. And of all 8 events involving issues in my ass country, I never get catch a single spot. y'know what's worse, 10 slots per event and yeah.. so much hope for nothing.
          wait, why did my topic shift. did I do smth wrong.
          anyways, I envy those who are smart in nature. like what breed are y'all