syzygy7y

I have come to a conclusion to not use any unnecessary social media unyil December comes. Shit myself bruh, watch me come back worse.

I just realized how much I've been telling myself to change. Yet what I do is the exact opposite of what I'm aiming to. I'm just a teen, basically living in a mediocre state, I am not those overachiever students that joins every possible event whatever the school implements. I am just, me.. I guess. But I've grown an awful insecurity of being a timid and also stupid. The answer that's at the tip of my tongue never slips out because of the frantic beating of my heart. Those eyes that graze over my figure sends me to a fright mode, that even my mind can't catch up with my body acting on its own. Just a simple, short answer and my mind reels with thousands of random whatnots that somehow makes me feel anxiety. The worst part is I can't control it.
          
          So many notes I've made about "change for the better" type shifts statements and I'm just contradicting myself at this point. Because I am afraid of change. I am afraid to change myself to another person that I'm not usually with. I have always locked hands with that character of ballistic, weird and timid individual. Even using products I don't usually gets me a weird feeling. Like makeup. So I don't reallyyy understand myself, I'm literally a stranger of my own body. I don't recognize what I need preserve, it stops me from changing to become better, and to interpret feelings comes with frizzy thoughts which I hate very much.

These teachers be legit ragebaiting atp.
          
          First is bad trip ass especially when you raise your hand to answer only to be said it's wrong when it's CLEARLY you who is wrong. Like broo?? You asked what the frick is the vertex form and I raised my hand because I fricking know it since I just literally searched it early before the period starts, and girl just told me that I'm wrong????? I was literally dumbfounded by what you told me because YOU'RE LITERALLY A TEACHER. You even had the NERVE to ALTER MY STATEMENT AND I HAD TO SPEAK TWICE FOR YOU TO PUT THAT CORRECT FORM AGAIN. You googled and I was right. YOU DIDN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE ME FOR GETTING IT RIGHT? Are you that egoistic and defensive that you can't believe a student remembers more than you're ass. I went 'ahh, stupid school' and just internally screamed to sit down with us if you're still learning this vertex form shii. I can't believe I have a stupid teacher to teach me my favorite subject. 
          
          
          Second, the blatant favoritism of these two shits piss the hell out of me. If you like a student, maybe don't show how much you reallyyyy want them to be your child? I have my friend crying because she DID NOT get called after raising her hand for more than 30 minutes and other students got called twice or thrice already. Genuinely, why are y'all even teachers.

What the hell. My pen name is niji for a reason, I made an explanation, story behind why I made it because he is my favorite actor. But admitting he assaulted someone was not on list. I am beyond disappointed of this guy but somehow, I'm not surprised. Well it did surprise me for 2 minutes of reading some news about it. He probably turned in out of guilt, and honestly, I'm glad he did. So now, I'm gonna change pseudo. It pains to kniw I've kept this for 2 years, only to find out that the person is weirdass.
          It was fun getting to know you Nijiro. I've done a lot of research of you out of admiration.
          Hello Chao Yu-fan.
          So far, he's my favorite and I'll be renowned as yuon! yu from yu fan, on from yeon. Yeon is from our guilds idol manwha. Yeon Jihyeon.

The latest ogi manwha updates are KILLING me. The cliffhanger is just not it. I NEED TO SEEE DREAMWALKER'S FACE. He literally just looks like Jihyeon but white hair and of course, hot. Gosh I love this manwha so much, this is literally my first ever manwha as someone who only reads novels and mangas. The art is sooo gorgeous like hello????? Everyone is so pretty except the creeps, Jihyeon is the embodiment of twink beauty of this generation. I love the balanced conflict, and fluff. I love how the male lead cares for noona sm. I LOVE IT. I LIVE FOR THIS. It was a nice read after the overstimulating week I had of thinking so many things. School works bombarded my schedules especially this stupid ass research. Gadgets are even confiscated straight 8 HOURS?? Are we serious right now vro. We live in a generation where learning is accompanied with technology and confiscating it is like devolving back to the stone age where we have to copy paste a whole ass book to a notebook, like who's more stupid  than a jellyfish who instructs to paste a 27 paragraph lesson. My teacher. Yeah.
          
          
          Honestly, my main teacher should just retire atp. As you know that mathematics is my top 1 subject ever since first grade and reaching 10th going to senior years with an 'awful way of teaching' person is straight up ass. (I'm trying to lowkey my insults because I'm afraid one person whom I know will find this and leak it.) Well anyways, what matters is the present. Just a kid with big dreams. Rip mvp Rene. Once again, I love our guild's idol and you must read it. Follow me on tiktok so I can be motivated again to edit because been almost 2 months I haven't edited which is so yabai. Onegashimasu, I'm not forcing you to. You don't have to. I'm just a human. You are too. Choices reflect our future. I'm sure nothing happens when you follow me. kun1zs on tiktok.. thank you

Oh by the way, I have been eerily slow in writing my fanfiction. But progress will take you to achievement right? Hell nah, draft has been sitting for WEEKS. Never touched it, never looked at it after 5 days of writing. That's what you call... motivation, encouragement, and perseverance. LOL

You know, looking at fine sculpted humans make my heart pang— in a bad way. It's complicated to explain but looking at them, specifically the idols, tears my soul and I get gloomy instantly. The sight of them being so gorgeous and it's too bright for me to handle, I cry. Like Juhoon, he's pretty as he is. I like him for being him and although he's usually labeled as the "nonchalant" of the group by the coers, he's been seen crying, being chalant, any other emotion that says otherwise of his given title. It makes you realize that they're still people— teenagers to be exact— living their lives out there.
          
          Usually, when I scroll to kpop videos, I wonder if those people ever get tired and be all sentimental behind the curtains. I can't imagine the pain they must've faced especially for being forced to be an idol (are there cases like that though?). Now I brought this topic up because of my oddly fast hyperfixation again. What does it have to do with me crying? Well... after seeing jju crying for winning, his face tells paragraphs of previous no expectancy to a blatant shock and wonder— then tears up and that just gnawed my heart open. I like his character. I wonder what's his real persona.
          
          If you'll ask me who's my bias, I won't be able to answer that because I find it hard to choose one in this blooming group. Though I'm not gonna lie, James caught my attention first after scrolling endlessly through reels around 2025 (their debut). I've known them ever since 2025 but I didn't really catch on to those things yet because I thought it would be weird to stan kpop when I myself is a 2d anime geek lover. So I just brushed them off, but a few weeks ago, something just bloomed within me after seeing multiple reels in line specifically Cortis, I had to research it. Anddd he is Zhaoooo Yufine alright. So I started to listen to they music, stuff, and other members and I realize that I can't pick a bias after seeing them. Gosh, I love jju so much though.

whoever is reading my wall of corniness, feel free to criticize cuz damn I didn't think twice writing these before publishing 

So it's been like 3 months since my last message and things have been going-- neutral.. I guess. I got my moving up ceremony 9 days ago, break started and my brother went home from school. He was still the same as ever, loiters in my room, sang mindlessly and annoy me a lot. Though 4 days ago, he stopped being the typical him as always and I found it odd. Sure I always brushed him off when he's recklessly bickering around me and call him out for being ugly that no girls will go his way-- the usual banter siblings would do-- but deep down, I didn't say it by heart and I truly care for him as a sibling. But he suddenly stopped after certain situation if I must say. I recall he started acting like it when I was on blues. That moment, he asked me to say what happened and I brushed off his worries like a rock tossed on to the ocean, saying that I'm fine.
          
          You see, I am not a person who opens up. In fact, I never opened to any people once in my life (depending on the situation). My own struggles I face, I keep them shut and let it grow away because eventually, they'll go away on their own. But it really didn't after 4 years. My parents never checked on me if I'm emotionally stable anyway so why bother to state out my situation I'm struggling. I'll end up being a burden to them anyway. So that's it, even the closest friends I have, I never once opened my mouth filled with sorrow. That's why that day, I bluntly said to my brother "I'm okay" multiple times. He insisted, being the typical him as always and I always respond the same. Then he uttered, "we're not going to be able to help if you keep it close"
          
          I don't know why, but that actually-- really stabbed a blade through my heart. I might be exaggerating but right then and there, I was filled with regret, or guilt? I didn't know what to feel and didn't know what to say so I stayed quiet, and he scrolled on his phone.

I never thought I would spend new years eve sleeping:cry: I dreamt of receiving a gift that actually made me hope to receive it (well in my dreams). I caught a glimpse of the large well-wrapped gift right before the corner of my eyes and then I woke up. Woken up by no other than my mom. I'm not blaming her though, I'm actually glad that she got me out of that hell hole. It made me hope for something impossible.
          
          I don't know why am I even worked up for something so puny. Am I this desperate to receive one or has it been awhile since I received one. Either way, I wanted and never wanted to stay in that place.
          
          This day really made me realize how frustrating this year is. I loathed everything that went in my way. I almost finished a notebook full of whatnots and notes app being 150+ pages this year. I can't believe I spent this year doing nothing and rot on whatever places that fate decided upon me. Having writers block, no passion to study, sleepless nights and repeat the cycle. Going to school felt like garbage.
          
          Maybw this year is not for me LMAOOO ts is so corny