nani 💜

I feel awful 
          I wish I could eacape

I'm at indresh hospital 
          Watching medical students I wonder 
          Why I ignored this job and took a useless path (maybe)
          I regret my decisions here and I'm very insecure.
          I can be depressed too 
          Here I feel helpless when i don't have time for it .
          I need to make this way work no matter what 
          I need to work 

Today really wasn't my day :(
          
          
          
          
          I'm just disappointed :(

Guess what?
          I miss her.
          My one and only grandma
          I never thought I would miss her after all the things I saw and listened in my life.
          But I never knew that she was precious to me all this time.
          I acted like I never cared or I don't care about her  but deep down I loved her and I love her till now.
          
          The little me who was fond of her is still alive.
          The present me created a illusion where I hated her but that illusion disappeared the day she died.
          
          
          
          I know I keep a show that I don't like her or I never liked her . But that little me is crying for her while writing this.
          
          I don't want you to come back Dadi. But I want you to know that I loved you from the day I was born and I will love you till the last day of my life.
          I want you to rest well up there where you are.
          I want you to be in peace.
          I want you to bless us from above.
          I want you to be happy.
          
          
          
          Thanks for all the love and care you gave all of us. I know you and i , we all were wrong somewhere in our family but those things are no more inside us.
          
          The present me still loves you just like the little one.
          
          
          
          
          You was , is and always be my one and only Dadi.
          
          
          
          
          
          Rest in peace Dadi.

Date:-24-11-2021
           
          
          Dadi you left this world today at midnight.
          
          I can't think of anything now at this time.
          I was your favourite and you were mines.
          Since my childhood , I loved you more than my parents. I called you mummy at some time.
          
          I used to sleep with you , eat with you , go with you wherever you would go. 
          Oneday when I didn't found you beside me early in the morning. I was restless not finding you beside me. 
          And today you left for forever.
          
          
          I'm not panicking now cause there are some questions between which never got answers.
          
          I don't want to remember them anymore because you are gone now.
          I thought I wouldn't be feeling bad if you leave us someday but today when u left, when your lifeless body is lying in front of me.
          I somewhere feel sad , some drops of tear are finding their way outside my eyes.
          
          I'm remembering all those moments I spent with you. 
          That love you gave me , the care you showed for me and everything you did for me.
          Idk if it was real but I still love  you  Somewhere in my heart.
          
          I was and am called as a photocopy of yours but real one left today.
          
          
          
          I hope you find peace after this beautiful life.
          I hope you bless all of us from heaven.
          
          
          Rest in peace Dadi.❤️ 
          
          
          
          
          
          
          

Life is difficult now a days.
          I hope you end up well .
          I hope you concentrate .
          I hope you will find your happiness 

"It’s a beautiful life, I will be by your side
          It’s a beautiful life, I will stand behind you
          Beautiful love
          If I’m with you under the sky, breathing itself makes me happy"
          
          These are english lyrics of Goblin ost.
          
          
          I wonder how beautiful is the life of a child who don't have his both parents.
          Living with his old grandparents , he can't even share his pain , he can't tell them anything he wants , love he is longing for.
          
          There's a family in my village where a old couple lost their both young sons . After some years they lost their daughter in law and they were left behind with their grandchildren.
          
          Old couple have a daughter too who is married and who helped them to raise their grand children untill now. 
          
          
          
          But how cruel god is....
          He took the old man away from those grandchildren's. Today the backbone of those small children is gone . That old couple is separated too. 
          
          
          
          How cruel god is ......
          Who will look over those small children now.
          On whom they will depend.
          Although they have their aunt and a grandma but still
          
          No one can replace patents.
          It hurts when you hear these kind of stories.
          
          
          
          But it's the truth.
          God is cruel , their fate is cruel and this world I cruel too.
          
          I hope those children grow well .
          I hope their parents are watching them from heaven.
          And I can only hope..
          
          
          Cause god is too cruel.

I can see many stars in the sky but I'm not sure which among them is you now.
          
          
          Cold breezes are here as an indication of winters . Soon this year is gonna end .
          And the only thing i remember is 'We lost you' this year.
          It's hurts when I don't see you with nani, with other family members.
          When I don't get to touch your feets.
          When I don't get your blessings anymore.
          Watching nani lonlely.
          When we miss you in every occasion.
          
          
          You left us too early and unexpectedly.
          
          
          Tears are just flowing without my permission but all I care about is that part of life which I spend with you.
          
          
          We miss you a lot.
          I hope you are in peace up there.
          ❤️

And I'm afraid that just the way the world works.
          
          

I May have many choice.
          I may be called by someone's else last name.
          I may go to someone else.
          But 
          Again
          I want to be with the one I want.
          For whom my heart is waiting for.
          For the one I can wait more and more.
          
          
          Although I know he will never be mine ❤️