𝕭𝖑𝖆𝖈𝖐𝕽𝖔𝖘𝖊

Believing in god, in my family, BTS, my friends, my partner, I tried so much to be happy. They make me happy I know it. But I just dont feel happy with myself. I wanna run away to a place and hide myself where no one knows me. I wanna disappear because I need to heal myself and I dont want to let the people I love down with me in this darkness. I am genuinely tired of thinking everything is okay and it will work out when im clearly not able to take it anymore. They say just go with the flow and everything will work out eventually. But until when ? When will that time come ? Since I joined my college my life has never been the same. From being a confident famous topper student in school to become suddenly a dull unknown unconfident student in college with low grades made me already depressed. And then my family problems I dont know my mother father will stay together or divorce each other I really dont know. I want to pursue music I sing really good I know it but again I dont know if I will be able to face that hardship or not with the way I am right now. 
            Its just so hard everything is messed up with me. All I wanted was to find happiness. Is it really too much to ask ?
            Now I realise the meaning of "Blue and Grey" the song BTS wrote and I can feel the lyrics now. 
            Everything is just hitting me at once these days. Its so depressing.
            I want to be alone and if I'll tell this to someone who is around me then they will reach out and again ill feel so suffocating that I might hurt them. So here I am weeping my heart out here because I dont know. I just don't know whats wrong with me.
            Am I disappearing?
            Will I ever be able to smile wholeheartedly just like the way I used to do in the past ?
            
            

@th3_vxllain And now when I am all alone in a new place, my work place, I thought maybe I could change my loneliness, maybe I would have the courage to talk to people. But no. I feel lonely and out of the way here too. It feels like I dont belong here. People love those who give something to them in return. I dont know why everytime its just me who gives and when I need some comfort they all back away and make me feel like I am the problem. My chest hurts so much and I am tired of keeping it all inside for so long. Even in relationship I am always giving whatever I can but I never got the same in return. Maybe I expect too much from people but why should I not when I am also giving the same to them  without even asking ? And now when im at the verge of loosing myself just because I cant even make an eye contact with anyone, not even myself in the mirror, I feel disgusted by myself only. I feel so bad. 

@1jkjm13 Of course ♡ I’m really grateful for authors like you on Wattpad. Even though I’m not very active, you’ll always have my support.