that_last_chance

should i even continue to write? no one is really interested and i don't wanna post to something people don't enjoy....

that_last_chance

let your eyes shine,
          curl you fingers into fists,
          don’t wait for that non existent sign,
          break from life’s twists,
          and stand out from the monotone line,
          
          people are expected to wait,
          say thank you and goodbye,
          expect you to be polite and never late,
          to be perfect and never cry,
          
          but here’s the real question,
          the real debate
          why be perfect?
          when you can choose a different fate,
          
          fight the zeros and ones
          and be unique,
          with a mind that runs marathons around questions,
          spread your wings and look down at a world that’s so bleak,
          
          fight the black and white,
          spread colour among the grey,
          beat the negatives with a single smile,
          and be that hopeful ray,
          for people that can’t sleep at night,
          or for people that are forced to go the wrong way,
          
          yes people will call you weird,
          yes people will think that you've gone astray,
          but those people you once feared,
          will look up to you one day.
          
          so let your eyes shine,
          curl those fingers into fists,
          fight the mundane line
          and be the hero people wish would exist. 
                                                                             -maya starikova

that_last_chance

oops, i just realized its pride month. 
          
          i dont know what to do, i could do a homosexual love story? or maybe a story about an agender person, up to you guys! but this month means a lot to me since im pansexual, my parents still dont know but oh well

that_last_chance

BPD awareness month
          
          
          i maybe sitting in my bed just scrolling through images of quotes from unknown or extremely well known people. but whats inside me is a war between me and i. 
          
          i stop on a quote from an unknown person. “we push people away, but we forget that we tied them to us with an elastic string.”
          
          its may, BPD awareness month. the month i was born in, as if it was meant to be. They say that BPD is one the hardest thing to work with, one of the phycologists worst nightmares. one minute we love a person. another were pushing that person away as far as possible. people think that we have mood changing disorder,  but its not just mood swings and depressive thoughts.
          
           its… its not being able to recognise an emotion of your own. not being able to control your thoughts and you ending up on the floor with tears running down your face.
          
           a battle on the inside that ends up hurting your outside world.

Kookie1404

Look, Ellie, me, my sister and loads of others are here if you ever need to confess anything, let go of your anger or whatever. We'll do our best to understand and help you.
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Kookie1404

You'll get through it. You are one of the strongest people I've ever met.
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that_last_chance

one side is reasoning and even praising you but the other is putting you down into the deepest darkest places in the back of you untidy mind. its as if one side is white and the other is black, they tear at each other turning and mixing so the only colour you see is grey. you end up feeling numb. not wanting to look anyone in the eye and so you isolate yourself. 
          
          i cannot count the amount times i’ve used someone away just so they don’t get hurt because of something i’m hiding. i cannot remember how many times i’ve cried over someone in my life being… disappointed with me, even if its over the smallest reason. once, i had a dream that my best friend died, and it wasn't dramatic.. intact it was funny. but her last words made my eyes waterfalls and my pillow a lake.
          
          “i always knew you as a friend. and i’ve always accepted you.”
          
          acceptance, something I've been searching for since the age of seven, and even though i know for a fact I've been accepted millions of times.. i still feel discriminated, discarded. unwanted. my brain highlights me out of every group. i try and change to fit in more, but streaks of my personality show like red on black. i have good intentions but i end up messing everything up. people see me as this… hardcore alternative person that fits perfectly the description of a high school delinquent. but there are much softer people that fight the same battle. how they stay soft through a million emotions at the same time? i don’t know. 
          
          but i’ve given up my act. and now people are scared of me. even i’m scared of myself, i’m scared of how I'm going to damage myself next. even though the pain is more addictive than scary. 
          
          and theres nothing i can do to fix this mess, accept from swallowing pills like i have been everyday. this mental disease had me in so many places, but everyday i put on this mask and walk out with a smile on my face. 
          
          if you have Borderline Personality Disorder put your fists up. Be the hero of your world.