That one girl

I’m not crying in the bathroom you are

I was starting to feel better again
          I was almost happy in my new life
          Until I notice I’m losing them
          I took time for myself I was
          So close to happiness
          I was planning on writing my first happy thing
          Then I was texting them and noticed I lost 
          Them
          I was so damn close
          But now that means I have to try harder
          I want to be happy
          That’s all I want even if it’s 10 secs
          I want 10 secs of me and my mom not fighting
          Because I don’t want to talk or do stuff
          I want 10 secs of not being in my head
          That is all I fucking want

So far, this page is pretty depressing. But you know what, that's okay. Nobody can always be picture perfect happy. But just remember, people who dont like you WANT you to waste your time worrying about them. And manipulators WANT you to question yourself. Haters will keep hating until you doubt yourself too. No matter what, dumbasses dont leave the surface of the earth. But you still got people like us! And I believe you. You could totally be one of the bad bitches who says "fuck the world." Anyways, hope you're doing well 

I was looking through my old yearbook
          Memories came back
          I hide the pain with a smile and laugh
          My friend didn’t catch on but
          They definitely know now
          When I Look back at what I left 
          It Made me hate how I let
          Them push me around
          How I let them hurt me
          Quarantine was the best and worse thing
          In quarantine I cried happy and sad tears
          I learned how to look out form me
          I learned that it needs to be
          I fell in love with you and learned
          Not I fell in love with you
          But out of love with myself
          I found me 
          And I still have them with me
          They just can’t hurt me any more
          I finally decided to be
          Not the loud, annoying , lying, pushover
          But the f the world semi confident bad bitch
          I may not love myself yet but I’m getting there
          Lastly to all the people that f me up
          Thank you and screw you
           

Why did I think they were any different
          There’s nothing good about me
          I’m ugly
          Fat
          Unwanted
          Broken
          So why did I think they wouldn’t see that
          They may have not seen my past
          But god said copy paste
          I tried to escape
          I F**KING TRIED

Once you read this message you must send it to 15 other people including me.
          
          If you get at least three back you are loved
          
          (If not your still loved by me, we don't discourage nobody knows how important something is untill they lose someone here)
          
          Tonight at 11:59 they person you love the most will realize they love you
          
          Then at 1:00-2:00 be ready for the biggest shock of ur life. If u break this chain you will have bad luck
          
          With love send this to 15 people if you don't you will turn ugly (in other people idiotic eyes cause you'll always be beautiful) for one year
          
          
          A freinds told me to do this. IM SO SORRY! T^T < 3 
          
          Tomorrow 2 people will ask for your number send this to 15 people or bad luck will find you for one year
          Rawr :3
          Don't ask -_-

I let my guard down around him once now it won’t go back up. I don’t like feeling valuable at all, but I couldn’t hold my tears. He’s a friend a new friend that I trusted for some reason. I only have my guard almost down around one person. They have never even seen me with my full guard down. Anyway I almost lost myself earlier. I was in my head and it was hard to control me. I wasn’t happy and it was getting harder to “ smile “. Then I saw his smile. He was smiling at me because he knew I was struggling. He talked about little things, but mostly just let me talk. It was amazing. I seem like a loving people person, but I’m not I try to fit in. I don’t stop talking because I’m scared when I do they will judge me. He knew this so he never looked anywhere, but me. When he had to leave he just said I have to go but we will finish this tomorrow. It made me exited to see him.
          
          (I have him but he will never replace you so don’t think that him seeing me with my guard all the way down means a thing I couldn’t hold it anymore. You will always be my best friend/therapist)
          You know who you are

I was sent a photo well I was in class and I have never been so sad but happy at the same time. The photo was of my ex crush. The person who brought light to my day, but also brought darkness. The person I would die for. The person nobody can replace in my heart. People always tell me your young you’ll get over him. It has been almost a year, and I still think about him everyday. He still keeps me up at night. I wish I could just see him one last time for closer. And so I can love someone almost as much as I loved him.

I’m fine. 
          I said that multiple time today.
          I meant it each time.
          I= I’m
          M= mentally
          F= fricked
          I= I’m 
          N= never
          E= truly energetic
          There is more than one version.
          You pick yours.
          

I’m scared
          I’m scared that the people I have let
          In are like the others
          I’m scared I’m putting myself in the whole I fought to get out of
          I’m scared that I’m just overthinking
          And my over thinking is going to mess up my new friendships
          Help?