rea :)

the stars shine above me, the constant thing in my life that never changes. although i’ve been molded by time and trauma, the stars remain the same. the night sky rotates with seasons but it never becomes tarnished by time.
          
          the stars in the september sky when i first saw them are the same ones that comfort me on nights when tears flow. they are the same ones that glow brighter when the alcohol sets into my liver. they are the same ones that smile at me as the night turns into the dawn of a new day. a new possibility.
          
          time has changed me, and not all for the better. i’m bitter about love, i let betrayal brew into hatred in my heart, i avoid reality out of fear for the fact that it’s the true perception of my life. i have learned lessons i didn’t want to. i have hurt hearts i didn’t want to ever even touch in the first place. i have cried tears on the floor of my bathroom trying to connect dots that don’t even neighbor one another.
          
          life battered me and bruised me in ways i can only hope no one else will experience. but the stars are the windows of the soul of the one who has seen me and known me and healed me. even when i was beyond repair, i was fixed.
          
          so although life throws me into things that i could never have imagined, i stare out at the stars and know that because of them: i am found, i am guided, i will never be alone. 
          
          i will never, ever be alone again. 

recently it’s been in on my mind that my whole life will change in about three months. two of my best friends are in love and have decided to move home, which i can’t blame them for. this town holds nothing for them anymore. with that said, four of my other friends are leaving for grad school or florida or both. 
          
          everyone i know and i love are leaving to start a new life. in the last months i have with them, i have been holding on so hard because i know nothing will never again be as it is now. these days will be gone and be memories in my mind to hold when i’m sad and i feel alone. they will be people a phone call away but 1,000s of miles gone. 
          
          that’s what college and growing up is about, though. moving on, leaving it behind, being mature, taking responsibility, being an adult. that’s what my friends are doing and i’m not old enough or mature enough by the world’s standard to have a say in it. i can’t even drink legally. but i wish i could make them stay. i wish i could make this whole semester last forever. but i can’t. i have to grow up, too.

dear platinum,
          
          i never wanted an end to come in our story. our paths seemed to cross well and i really wanted it to be you. i liked the way you were determined to get your work done, the way you blushed when your smiled, the way you carried yourself like you were proud to walk towards me of all people. i liked you. 
          
          but life has other ideas most of the time. so you faded with the summer wind into an idea, a moment in the past that was so swift it almost didn’t happen. but i will never forget how much i cared about you, and how much i liked you.
          
          i prayed in those days for my life to go back to the way it was before you but i realize as summer turned into fall and fall turned into winter and winter will eventually turn into spring then into summer once again, my life will never be the same after you.
          
          i’m not ashamed to say my heart loved you in the summer. and i’m not ashamed to say it stopped when you walked through the door that january day. hair a platinum blonde but your every feature the same as always. but i don’t miss missing you.
          
          love,
          -r

it’s a new year. i want to write this down before i forget it tomorrow morning or rather all year. i want to be happy this year. genuinely happy, not half happy. i want to feel free and happy and i want to give out kindness for free. i’ve become a shell of myself in the midst of an extremely difficult and painful year filled with romantic woe as well as platonic woe. i love life and independence but i want to love friendship and youth too. this year, i hope to be kinder, happier, and find more freedom than i have ever known. and i hope i can find a way to do that for myself. 
          
          happy 2023 to all of you ❤️ i hope you have a lovely year!
          
          -r

early winter has been a point of beauty for me all of my life. despite my windowpanes never being frosty and my elegance never doing me justice, i have grown accustomed to winter. mostly christmas. it feels odd to admit that, but it’s the truth. the music, the dinners, the receptions held in cathedral reception halls. it’s all been beautiful. catching the eyes of a stranger in gentle lighting as we make independent conversations. the champagne that helps initiate a dance. the cool evening air as he offers up his jacket so that i might not freeze. a christmas fantasy, i know. 
          
          he’s been at the top of my christmas list since i was 8. a disney prince, a romcom hero, a bookstore owner, a somewhat okay chef, a comedian, something wrapped up all in one. but being here for christmas makes me realize: he does not exist in the pool of young 20 something’s i find myself in. so i bide my time and continue to ask for that one thing for christmas which is so near and dear to my heart….
          
          my soulmate.
          
          
          merry christmas,
          -r

7 months ago today i broke up with him. him, my all too well. him, my demise. him, my sadness and my hurt. since him, i have traded in my lemonade for vodka and my innocence for much needed wisdom. i have cracked the code on flirting with men but do not take the time to act on it because the time is better spent working on myself. i get drunk on the weekend because i want to, get sleep during the week because i need to, and get peace from life because i earned it. it’s been a rough turn of events. i went from a depressed wine drinking teen hiding in her chrysalis and living in a dorm to an energetic vodka drinking disco queen blossoming into a butterfly with an apartment, coffee scented body scrub, and no need for a boyfriend. it’s hard to learn the lessons, but i had to do it. and i’m glad that i did. 
          
          so i say this to all of you: live life large and be not afraid of your all too wells because they lead to your karmas and your bejeweleds and your sweet nothings. :)
          
          go listen to midnights by taylor swift, it will poetically heal your wounds. 
          
          
          all my love,
          r

it has been a turbulent last few months. a breakup, a breakdown, a funeral, and a rekindling. i have met plenty of wild people in between and i am thankful for that. i have rediscovered the meanings of my life, because i know there had to be more than just one. i am just glad to exist and to feel the highs and the lows that life offers me daily. i am lucky and happy to be who i am. i feel i need not say much else, just that i hope one day you can feel the same. 

i met the most beautiful boy a few months ago. he makes my heart pound inside my chest so beautifully and he causes my cheeks to become rosy despite always being pale. he makes me laugh, smile, dream, think, and be more than i ever have before. i have fallen in love with him. the pieces of our broken hearts just seem to fit together. yet i don’t even think he realizes it. 

i’ve been writing a lot of sad poetry about a boy who hurt my spirit once. typically when one loves, someone hurts their heart or mind. i know because this has happened every time i’ve been in love. it’s given me trust issues and bitterness along the way. but nothing hurts like having someone you’ve fallen in love with hurt your spirit. that’s hurting your character, your personality, your light. that’s taking away your goodness and happiness. that’s taking you apart brick by brick until nothing remains. it’s also leaving you to build yourself back together by yourself. i hope none of you ever get your spirit broken