𝓵𝓪𝓬𝓮𝔂

It has been an AGE since I’ve even checked Wattpad! So sorry friends, but I missed you all! (: Currently attempting to write more for CABUR (Din Djarin), EYES TO SEE (Dean Winchester), and I think I’ll also take another look at writing more for PAPER TIGERS (Barry Allen) today while I’m at it. 
          
          Mini life updates: 
          - I have a new kitten, she is black and white and her name is Binky. Officially, Jar Jar Binks. She’s crazy. And I love her. 
          - All 3 of my cats are finally over their sickness (they all had respiratory infections)! 
          - I am back to working full 24 hr shifts at work & on a truck as normal again. 
          - I get out of the military in like 9 months and I’m really happy about it. 
          - I assembled a new bookshelf in my room and a dresser! Yay. 
          
          Let me know how you all are doing and what you’re up to! <3 

Promise I’m still alive, lovelies. <3 I’ve been one busy bee! How’s everyone doing? 

Me want more movie *cries.*

I think my coffee could use some whiskey :') but in other news, I have 2 full chapters done on my new Dean fanfic and I'm working on number 3 today so progress is going well. I think writing is easier when I don't feel like I have to publish my chapters as soon as they're done and like I'm not falling behind because nobody can even read it yet since I haven't posted anything. 
          
          Y'know... how the writing process is supposed to go LMAO. I think most Wattpad writers fall into that hole where we get instant gratification from posting, say, an extended summary or our casting lists and then what happens to the actual book? The actual writing? It becomes neglected or never published or an idea with lost inspiration because we got that instant dopamine hit on our idea already. 
          
          And the fantasy of it is far greater than having to sit here, tired as all hell at work, writing everything out. Obsessing over what details to put, re-reading the previous written stuff so you're not having any plot holes or continuity issues. Writing is hard. And I love all of us for even writing anything. 
          
          All of this just to say: I've decided I am not going to be publishing anything of my next fic until it's done. 100% done. And I think I'll continue to employ this with my other works, but right now I am laser-focused on one Dean Winchester.

New Dean pfp because I'm in too deep. <3

I have graduated to NO WALKING BOOT finally. No formal physical therapy as of yet because they’re giving me a chance to stretch out my ankle on my own ig, so at least that part of my life is okay. I did, however, gain like at least 10 lbs in the time I’ve been injured and I honestly think that was the worst part of my day today. My average before injury was 210-215 and now I’m at like 227. 
          
          My biggest struggle for a long time has been my weight. I have always tied my self worth to whatever number shows up on the scale. 
          
          I’m not sure when that started for me or when I started to obsess over it but it’s been like this for years — the obsession. I’m honestly scared I won’t be able to shake it or lose the weight and get back to 180 like I used to be before I started working in EMS. So I guess I’m still anxious and stressed; my financial stress, my weight & food noise, my feelings about myself and how I feel like I don’t really have anyone at times (I have that thought almost every single day). But I don’t have to worry about the injury anymore so that’s one less worry. 
          
          Maybe things will be okay? It’s hard to convince myself of that right now but I’m trying. Another void post, sorry I’m doing those so often lately. Some days are good days and some are bad for me. Today is a bittersweet mixture of both. 

My Supernatural / Spiderwick fanfiction is officially in the works! Titled EYES TO SEE, features a male oc named Everett Remington paired with our wonderful man Dean Winchester set in the fictional town of Ravens Gate, Wyoming. It's not strictly a SPN / Spiderwick crossover but it has elements of Spiderwick such as the mushroom circle, Mulgarath appearance, and a house brownie I've lovingly named Brindlewick! Currently plotting out the story; I have it set up for 3 acts, maybe somewhere around 18 chapters give or take, and I'm going chapter by chapter right now. 
          
          I'll probably start to publish after I have the first act written. Just wanted to update you guys on this since some of you were interested! Let me know if you'd like a DT when I publish it. (:

You ever just have a terrible ugly crying breakdown alone in the car and then again the moment you get inside your apartment and then after all that you don’t know what to do with yourself afterwards? Taking suggestions. 
          
          In all seriousness though, I haven’t really been okay for a while. That inner voice we all have — mine does not seem to shut up sometimes, it’s just been so hard lately to ignore it like I usually do. I’ve never felt more alone. I don’t even know who I can talk to about this without feeling like I’m unloading on them and being annoying. I mean, how do you explain to other people that don’t deal with these same feelings of worthlessness and loneliness that you can’t “just be happy”? Not actually, anyways. 
          
          I can act happy. Ignore my problems. But they always catch up and I’m honestly scared I’ve never been ACTUALLY happy a single day of my life. 
          
          And I know I’m just talking into the void again lmao but I’m just at a loss. Sometimes my little message board feels like a private space where I can at least put down how I’m doing and get things off my chest when I have nobody I feel like I can be straight with. So I guess we’re eating ice cream for dinner tonight and drowning out our sorrows with Sprite Zero until I fall asleep. 
          
          (Sorry for the long thingy, I am not okay but typing into the void like this helps me sometimes. Just a really rough time right now & I have no clue how to explain it to anyone in my life.) 

I'm thinking of trying to write a different Dean Winchester fanfic that I've thought about for a long time. Sort of a classic early seasons Supernatural style case with elements of the Spiderwick Chronicles because I rewatched that movie recently and I still love it. Would anyone be interested in something like that? 
          
          So far, I know it would be a male oc (who I've named Everett) and I made a fictional town called Ravens Gate. Located in Wyoming.

I’ve sorta been dealing with these feelings of worthlessness, sadness, and loneliness lately. All have been made worse by the fact that I’m still dealing with my broken ankle and I have less independence right now, I mean I can’t even take my own trash out. It’s ridiculous, but it’s a long walk to the dumpster at my apt building and I can’t crutch all the way over there with a heavy bag or boxes. I haven’t been able to hang out with my friends as much. 
          
          The other weekend they went to go swimming with another mutual friend, and don’t get me wrong they made it very clear they WISHED I could go swimming with them… but still. I feel lonely and it makes my insecurities stand out all the more to me. I haven’t been able to go to the gym; so my body insecurities have been screaming at me that I’m getting more fat and I won’t be able to get back my gym progress. 
          
          And I know that once I finally get this cast off, things will get better. I’ll be able to get out more. Do more things. FEEL like I’m worth something again (largely, I draw my feelings of worth from work; I find my job rewarding if aggravating sometimes, and since I haven’t been able to go back in the field yet, it just kinda makes me feel like less). Until then I feel either empty or I feel bad emotions. 
          
          Sorry for the heaviness, friends, but I just had to put this down somewhere in the void. I’m not trying to seek attention or sympathy, I just had to let this out somewhere. I don’t really wanna worry anyone, I know I won’t feel this way forever, but I can’t really afford to go back to my therapist right now so this rambling will have to do. Thank you guys.