thvzyxw

im losing my mind bc of man. tapi kalau tanya, aku sayang dia ke, ye aku sayang dia. kalini, aku sanggup utk fix semuanya, yg ni tak sama dgn apa yg berlaku dulu. ye dulu aku bergaduh sbb aku x pernah rasa aku difahami. tapi yg ni, kami bergaduh sbb masing2 ada trust issue yg sama. gaduh sbb terlalu risau benda yg masih belum terjadi. fixlah berapa kali pon, aku takkan hilang diri sendiri. sbb aku tahu betapa sakitnya utk fix dgn partner utk cuba buat dia faham kita. tpi kalini aku akan fix utk faham each other situation

but srsly, mcm mana nak bagitahu org yg kita sayang dia sangat2 tanpa perlu nampak desperate? i wish i reti kawal emotional and my egoist side. i mean, aku terlalu rasa yg semua org akan tinggalkan aku, sampai the big effort he does pon i still tak appreciate. all in my mind is dia akan tinggalkan aku, walaupun sebenarnya bila we getting a fight, im the one who will try to fix semua tu. semua tu punca dr aku, aku juga yg akan try fix. somehow i fikir, agak2 sebenarnya akan ada org yg akan try to fix my trauma ke? now i struggle nak fixkan trauma org lain, i nak bagitahu org lain yg i takkan tinggalkan dia. yes i do this when im in love. agak2, sebenarnya akan ada org yg akan do the same ke

dia the second guy i cerita dkt sini. the last guy, is a part kenapa i grow up like this and totally not worth it to talk about. end up aku datang sini, sebab aku sayang dia sangat2 sampai i sendiri sakit. you know what, kenapa kita takut hilang org yg actually he can have a double triple better live without me? kelakar kan?  i dont want him to find this. sebab i tahu, how many letters i talk about him and how sweet and a very gentle good boy he is, the day he knows my wattpad is the day we broke up. sebab, i put him first sampai i sendiri slowly sakit. sakit sebab i taknak kehilangan org yg i sayang tapi dia tak sayang i ( he did but i think not now). 

he was the best guy ever. i love him so much. tapi i tahu dia akan tinggalkan i. i wonder, am i too much ? all i want is to be care of, org kisah pasal i, org tunjuk yg dorg taknak hilang i, sbb once i sayang, i sayang gila gila sampai i sanggup sakitkan diri sendiri utk tak kehilangan. i promise myself utk tak sayang org lain lebih dr i sayang diri i. tpi its happen again. i put myself second and put him first. i x tunjuk side gila i yg i xnak hilang dia.

he was a very good guy. until i destroyed everything. he showed the love. he puts a lot of effort, and he puts me first before himself. but u know what, this relationship actually buatkan i fikir yg trauma i xkan pernah pulih sampai bila2. bagila i sejuta pon, i still akan rasa semua org x ikhlas dgn aku. one day dorg aku tinggalkan aku, one day dorg akan lupakan aku. yes, im the one yg try to fix the relationship bc i tahu, semua tu salah drpd i. i try mati matian fix setiap relationship ni sbb i nak prove dkt diri i yg i takde trauma, end up i just sakitkan dia. he was the best, tpi my action maybe buatkan dia rasa dia x cukup tpi hakikatnya, aku just takut org tinggalkan aku. i dont want to be alone anymore. i dont want to cry alone like this. 

in the end of the day, the only safe place yg i blh luah tanpa org lain rasa sakit, just dkt wattpad. i let someone else broke my happinese. the happinese that i achieve after i have been in dark room yg no ones notice. aku keluar dr tempat tu and cari i punya safe place. tapi after 2 years, i think because aku tamak. aku rasa happinese yg aku dpt tu, aku x puas. aku still rasa lonely sampailah satu hari tu aku decide utk ada relationship. everything was fine at first, aku terima dia, dia terima aku (maybe) but end up, aku rasa aku yg ada past trauma yg teruk and the way i grow up, i x pernah rasa sekali pun ada org sayang or appreciate aku. no matter the guy tunjuk sayang dia dkt aku, aku still rasa dia salah seorg yg tipu aku and everything tu pura2 utk sayang aku, pura2 utk hargai aku. aku penat. penat fikir yg semua org pura2 dgn aku. semua org sympathy dgn aku semata2. deep in my heart, aku rasa je yg dia buat semua tu ikhlas. i wish aku kahwin dan i swear, i akan appreciate my kids so bad. i xnak dorg jadi mcm i. everything rasa mcm semua org tipu i. and i rosakkan relationship i sendiri disebabkan trauma i sendiri. 

i tot my sensitive heart dah lama mati. 2 years living my life without sensetive heart really save my life. aku rasa hidup aku dipermudahkan dan senang semua benda sbb aku dah buat istilah sensetif tu, aku rasa mcm pi mampusla ye apa org fikir pasal aku since aku pon mmg dah hidup seorg2. aku x mengharap dkt org. until i found loml, semua benda aku sensetif. semua benda aku ovt until aku rasa harini, aku punya ovt and sensetive heart ni akan musnahkan relationship aku. 

author, i baca comment u, r u ok right now? 

I think like my growing up and childhood past really hit me when im starting to be adult… i mean, i always lie to myself and everyone and the first thing yg i rasa i xblh ubah langsung walau macam mana pun i try is trust issue… i can fix all my childhood past but never in trust issue… my first love, i mean i had my first love when im still young, waktu i bergaduh dgn my parent setiap hari… that time, im looking for a partner that actually can be my listener and at least can be my friend waktu im not feeling well… i want him to be my side, comfort me, have each other… and turns out my first love is with someone 4 years older than me… i dgn dia lama sangat, around 3y ig? Tu pon sbb that time i dah blh beza toxic and nontoxic partner… imagine that i gaduh dgn my parent setiap hari and im come to him hope that can comfort me, but end up i was getting blame pula… i kena blame twice. He wants me to be adult like him when i was still baby. When i dont even know why im exist in this world, i dont even know why my parent is keep on blaming me, and he also blames on me sbb im being too childish when i was 16… i cuba utk lupakan dia but i swear theres no good memories dgn dia pun. It just keruhkan keadaan. Just buatkan bila i dah besar, i rasa utk cerita apa yg i rasa is totally wrong. Until now, even i ada bf i tak pernah meluah dkt dorg apa2. Im not that kind of partner suka sharing and yes, i banyak relationship yg i tak blh continue bc i seorg yg berahsia… i can say la i have a lot of relationship yg tak tahan lama bc i cannot trust them at all and tbh sometimes i rasa i nak bf bukan sebab i nak teman meluah sebab i growing up dengan meluah dkt wattpad, bukan meluah dkt org… i nak bf just bc im adult je… tapi utk meluah tu i still tak pernah rasa selesa… well other girls first relationship might be org ketiga and curang but for me my relationship is toxic (takde kena mengena dgn perempuan lain cause dia pon setia), he just too selfish 

Aku tak tahu kenapa dalam adik beradik aku paling sensetive, and skrg aku jaga boundaries aku dengan semua org dan aku paling x rapat dgn mak ayah… bila aku dah besar, mak aku jujur aku adalah anak yang paling senang nak jaga dari lahir sampai aku dah 22, and now aku dah berdikari dan tinggal sendiri. Waktu kecik aku hisap jari, kakak dgn abg selalu gaduh berdua tapi aku buat hal aku. Mak busy jadi pengasuh layan anak org lain, tapi aku dgn dunia aku. Dah besar aku blh belajar sendiri balik rumah… kadang aku fikir, kenapa aku macam ni… kenapa aku x blh percaya sesiapa dlm dunia ni and cara utk aku calm down diri aku cuma dengan menulis? Aku x pernah open up meluah dekat sesiapa, walaupun small matters… u know what, nak cerita apa yang aku makan tadi pon susah ye aku nak cerita dkt org, inikan nak bercerita pasal diri aku… bila fikir balik, oh sebab family aku selalu bergaduh dgn each other… dorg tak gaduh dgn aku, sebab aku buat hal aku… maybe gaduh dgn mak, maybe gaduh dgn ayah, maybe gaduh dgn kakak, maybe gaduh dgn abang, maybe juga gaduh dgn adik, tapi x pernah gaduh dgn aku… thats the problem, aku dengar semua tu… aku nak tido tapi dengar bunyi itu ini, maki hamun, hempas barang…