Nayr Kurniawan

Welp, I'm still alive. Too bad, huh?

Okay, I quit being a kind person. I'm starting to be a cold person just like old times. Well, it may sting me because the kindness that affects me in my heart. But. it's fine.
          If that is the key to move forward.

I don't know what to do anymore. For an hour, I've got a motivation, and the next hour it's gone. I mean, there's nothing await if I suceed. Nobody will really welcome me. There are only fake smiles or and selfish desires surrounding me. In the end, I'm still alone. Well, it's indeed true that I want to make my family happy, seeing them smile and making happy face will be so delightful. But, everytime  I think about those things, I also think about the time when I failed, with nobody is around me, nobody comforts me, nobody supports me. They're only cornering me, and care with their own interest. Shall I support that kind of family?
          My mom I loved is a great mom. She's a fighter that can challange any obstacles. She gave me everything I need, but not with the mental. She lacks of listening to her own son and family. I guess that is what happening when you become an indepedent woman. Unfortunately, I want to be listened because I'm tired to keep listening others.
          
          Too bad, my mom ignores me everytime I want to be listened, and she said when I became a failure, "Why do you never tell me about this?"
          Huh? Hundred times I want to speak to you privately, you just either rejected me or ignored me. Oh yeah, plus you scolded me in the end if you rejected me. 
          
          What kind of life is this?

Too much singing "besides, The god is cruel", I was punished by God to not have sleep for more than six hours. I slept one to six hours. There are always ways of Him to make me awake that made me said "Are you serious?!!!", everytime I woke up. But that's fine, either He just teased me, told me something, or made me aware of something, I'll take it as a training. I'm quite a positive guy, aren't I?

Fine. I'll wreck my body till I got a house to live on. Return my mom's money. Have a stable income for living expense. After that, don't you dare to disturb me again. I am really sick with people around me that always make me listen to them but do not want to listen.

That's the truth.
          I'm already sick hearing your advice "You're a man, so don't be afraid."
          That's a good way to motivate a person that never be listened. Yeah.

Because my mouth said something that spits a little part of secret that I keep deeply in my heart, I was interrogated by my mom. She asked what  I have in my mind to do something like skipping college up to three semester. She asked again, a million times, What the fuck purpose I have in my life. She said that if I didn't tell her, that means I run away fro, trouble.
          Let me tell you something. Running away and not telling my secret are a different things.
          The thing is whenever I talk about what I have in my mind, the secrets that now I have buried in my heart, you never listens me till it finished. I want to spell alphabets, but you interrupt me at E, then judge me, and tell me I'm wrong and advise me. E TO Z IS STILL LONG and that always happens everytime I try to talk with you. So, I'm tired talking with you. Why would I talk to somebody that never listens to someone? Now you want to listen to me?
          
          OK let me see. Once I have said to you the truth, but you denied it quickly. So, you want the truth. Let me try.
          I know that I have wasted your efforts, mom. That's why I keep thinking really hard how to return it. I feel depressed and can't even sleep well like I used to be. I hate to keep wearing this mask. Lying, smiling, and staying in front of people. So, then someday, something came to my mind. "I don't deserve you, mom. I shall dissapear from this world." Yes, I want to suicide, I had made up my mind back then. Call me running away or whatever, because I don't care anymore. But, I thought something. "What about mom? Is she going to suicide too or becoming crazy if I do this? I don't want to do that. I am the one who is going to hell, not my mom either." SO, I keep that thought away and discard it. That's why I am still living now. That's my love for you, mom, because you always ask me how much I love you. That's why I carry on in this life.
          I wonder what will her reaction be? I am afraid she will have a heart attack.

My mother still sees me as an innocent child. When she saw my homescreen wallpaper that has sexy anime girl wearing bikini, she enraged by saying, "What the hell with this picture? Change it! Do you want to marry a girl? Or you want me to marry you with a daughter's friend of mine?
          I'm just laughing when I heard that. It was hilarious.
          So, I changed it. 
          Then,  the next morning, my uncle who always teases me when we meet by asking why I'm still single, saw my phone. His reaction is, "Wait, why do your wallpaper is a girl?"
          "Why not," I replied.
          It's a girl but it's 2d, so why he reacted so much? I don't get it, beside, he always teases me to find a girl. What kind of reaction will he make when I put 3D girl on my wallpaper.

Right now, I'm reading again my conversations in wattpad. Then, I realise I'm really a pathetic guy. I'm thinking that while smiling. I guess this is what he means by "past that can't be laughed will be a comedy story in the future".

Listening to "PERSONA3 soundtrack: Living with Determination"
          
          That's what I need right now.