After I think about it, it's kinda weird how I suppressed my feminity when I was a kid. I always felt overweight, and being a short, well-fed kid, I had a round stomach that I came to resent cause it was noticeable. I always felt like an outcast from the other girls who wore shorts, dresses, and skirts cause they looked skinny in them. So out of my insecurity, I labeled myself a tomboy and refused to wear dresses. This pissed my mom off to a degree because I would only wear a dress once and then never again.
Now that I'm older, I've found a love for skirts and dresses, although I do have a hard time finding a dress I feel comfortable in because now my main insecurity is my shoulders (long story). I've been even expanding to shorts, although I do like to get rid of the hair on my legs cause fresh blankets on smooth legs? Heaven.
I also got my glow-up, which makes me happy for some reason. Still, there are lingering insecurities in my mind, telling me that I'll probably never be attractive enough to find a boyfriend. The other side of me (the realistic side) tells me I'll probably never get a boyfriend because I'm really intense and loud, something I tried to hide when I was in middle school.
And you know what? I'll never change the fact that I can be intense and loud because that's just who I am. I'm not funny, I do dumb stuff, and I'm very unlikeable. Still, it's me and I love it, because the people who still find me a good friend, and the people that I tone down for, are the people who still like me on my bad days.
I love myself, and I'm so happy that I realize it. I can't believe I traveled this far in such a short amount of time. 5 years doesn't sound like a lot, but I changed significantly since 2018.
Sorry for the rant, my sister isn't home right now and I just wanted to express my feelings :)
I'm the one buying myself flowers and eating chocolate on Valentine's day cause I'm my own date ;)
