tyranmoutondo

Chapter 9 of Fused is up ;) This one is amazing x

BalticAmber12309

Critique on Fused by tyranmoutondo
          
          Chapter 1: Alright, so you have presented a very good beginning and a very short chapter, which is effective and powerful, luring the reader to wanting to read more. I like your simple, yet powerful vocabluary where it's not too detailed, but enough to create a perfect image of your characters and the area around you. 
          
          Chapter 2: Try bringing the Direct Speech on a next paragraph. For example:
          	“Hey Melody!” I waved at her, excitement lingering in my voice. 
          	“Hi Veronica!” Her face mimicked my excited one as we both leaned in for a hug and start 	blabbering about our week. 
          Very good description of Tyler! 
          
          Chapter 3: Alright, quite good chapter, just try to make their bond more believable. Put them to talk and put some jokes where she's going to laugh, and show us what he's saying to her that makes her feel like she can trust him. In the end, put it like this,
          “I had fun tonight. I'd really like to take you out some time...” I look down at my hands, twisting and turning my ring as I try to ignore my stupid conscience of how he's probably a rapist...
          “Sure.” I give him a warm smile and we finally go our separate ways.
          
          Chapter 4: Very good chapter!
          
          Overall, I truly enjoyed these 4 chapters, and I will definitely be reading more! Keep up the amazing good work and I will be commenting thoughts on every of your chapters <3 If you update and I don't comment in a day, please remind me as I don't really check my Notifications.
          Toodles :*

tyranmoutondo

@melina12309 woah thank you so much for that :) I will definitely work on what you've pointed out. Thanks again x
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