Hi again, babe.
I haven’t found the time to get very far but from what I’ve read so far, you have a really good story on your hands. There are just a few kinks to iron out❤️.
1. Show, don’t tell. Right now, a lot of your writing tells us as the readers what’s happening rather than letting us experience it. There’s a lot of “I do this, I do that.” Instead, try showing what she’s feeling or thinking through actions, expressions, or dialogue. There’s a lot of “what happens” but very little on how Liyana feels for example. We know they go on Instagram, get likes, post TikToks, go to class, etc, but we don’t feel any emotion that shows the characters are ALIVE alongside it.
2. Give your main character a bit more personality. Even though we’re in Liyana’s head, I feel we don’t fully know her. Is she shy, bubbly, sarcastic, smart etc? Right now, her internal commentary is mostly functional and surface-level, which is why it feels a bit flat.
3. Break up your sentences. Some sentences feel like long lists of actions. Breaking them up makes them easier to read.
4. Make chapters matter. I understand that you’re still introducing the story, but each chapter should further the overall plot. Right now, chapters feel like snapshots of daily life (“woke up, showered, posted TikTok, went home”), which can make them feel like throwaways - chapters for just nje. Nothing dramatic or spicy needs to happen, just enough so it doesn’t feel like even if I skipped a particular scene, I wouldn’t have missed much.
5. Dialogue clarity. Make it clear who’s talking by putting each speaker on a new line and separating actions from speech.
I hope I don’t come across as too critical. It is a really great book. All the best with your writing❤️!
