Hey, there is some mistakes in your story. So I'm here to help you right a better story.
1st. I think you always need to re-read your story.
2nd. Make sure when you use a but, because, and or repeat a word always use a comma.
3rd. Some of your sentence are too long, it will be better if you use a semi colon like this one (;)
4th. When is some one povs make sure you use the bold letters and if when they talk to them selves make sure you use the one that almost look like cursive handwritting.
5th. Don't change subject too quickly.
6th. You have some misspelled words so recheck it. Like in chapter 3 there were some few mistakes.
7th. Make sure your sentence makes sense.
8th. You need a hook in the beggining in the story for it can catch readers attention.
