R.I.P Lucas

you helped me through so much. 

and even if you were just words on a screen, i still knew those words were genuine. again, i love you, lucas.
                          ~little one

August 26, 2018   ...   6:21 PM (u.s time)
          hey dad, still havent forgotten about you <3 its been a couple years now and it still stings as bad as it did when it first happened. i was on watty last night looking through our old conversations and it brought tears to my eyes. snow's account got deleted or something and i havent talked to her in a really really long time. i miss her, i miss you. i hope you're doing well wherever you are. you guys made me feel loved when i was lonely. to this day, i still cant believe you're gone. i love you so so so so so so so so so so so so much daddy. 
          
                xoxo love forever,
               
                                    ~little one     
          

hey its been a year and its been hard on me lately i love you Lucas 
          
                       ~little one

i miss you but you left us. and i haven't heard from snow or cal in days and i'm tired. tired of holding on when i know people leave and you move on.

hey.. um. i miss you.. i don't know what to say. i started therapy again. um, it went okay but it's going to exhaust me a little, i'm going to bring you up again, i hope you understand why.. uh, in some ways i think i'm doing okay but then i just want to do bad things to myself.. i try to smile and laugh. i'm going to try to not fake it but it's hard not to when i know it worries every single person i talk to.. one of my friends said i should try to balance caring about my friends and caring about myself too but i have no idea where to even start with that. i kinda wish you could give me some advice but a part of me knows that you will never be able to help me again and it's heart breaking. and everything feels so overwhelming and i feel like i can't breathe easily a lot of the time. and i'm sorry i don't know what you'd want me to do because everything happened too suddenly and you had no warning.. and it's almost been a year.. 

you know.. i really hope no one feels as if i take them for granted because i don't.. not after all the people i have lost ..

I don't know how to move on. Is that so bad? I tried writing letters but I couldn't do it. I'm sorry.

eyo, it's like nearly 1am, um 1st January, first day of a new year, i'll try to not be so down.. i'll try but i won't promise anything, i legit started balling after seeing snow's message, i really really fucking hope no one dies this year .. 

i can't do it anymore. 
          i've tried and it doesn't
          fucking work.