Vivian

im actually gaslighting myself so hard and convincing myself that im ok to the point im going fucking insane.

i hate that my heart is beating. i hate how I can hear my own breathing. i keep having so many intrusive thoughts i think I'm going crazy. i keep imagining my own death i think im losing control im gonna end up doing something.

sometimes everything gets too overwhelming for me. even though everything else is alright, there's always something bothering me. I come back home and i start feeling stressed and anxious for no reason at all, tired and mentally exhausted from the day. I don't know how much longer i can handle this for. I wish i could just wake up and everything would be ok.

i can't wear tight shirts anymore. oversized shirts are the only thing i feel comfortable in now

I miss the feeling of crying into someones arms
          the feeling of comfort
          the feeling of being held, safe and sound

my memories are a blur, i can't recall anything and I don't remember when they happened. why is it so hard to recall; my thoughts are all a mess

I want to do something interesting, change things up for once; have some fun, enjoy life.
          
          But I'm scared of change. I'm scared of the uninevitable. But at the same time I'm tired of this boring, mundane routine I go through every single day.

i've missed writing. i forgot what it felt like. it brings me so much joy, now that i remember.

God, I feel so fucking lonely. My dms? Empty. I feel dead inside, what the fuck am I even doing anymore? Bo burnham is playing in the background, all I've been doing lately is playing games. It's not even enjoyable anymore honestly, it just feels like a daily routine for me to waste my life away doing.
          My boyfriend hasn't replied in days, he's probably forgotten about me.
          My relationship with my dad is absolute shit right now too, I haven't spoken to him for like what, 2 weeks?
          I feel numb, tired, empty. I just wanna run away, into some magical dream like place and stay there forever.
          A place where the sun is shining bright, hills of grass, only joy and happiness exist.

I guess wattpad can be my place to rant/vent now, since no one really sees this. It still feels nice to just let it all out there, anonymously.