Ayushi

Have you ever felt like you’re doing everything right but still feel lost? Like you’re surrounded by people and noise, but nothing really reaches you anymore? Some days you wake up and feel fine, and then out of nowhere, everything just hits — the memories, the questions, the emptiness. You scroll through your phone, talk to people, go on with your day, but it’s all noise. You want peace, but your mind doesn’t stop talking. You want rest, but your heart doesn’t stop feeling. You don’t want attention, just understanding — and that’s the hardest thing to find. You’ve stopped expecting people to get it. You’ve learned to keep things inside because it’s easier than explaining what can’t be explained. You laugh, but sometimes you’re not really there. You’re tired, but not from lack of sleep — from pretending you’re okay all the time. You keep showing up, but deep down, you’re just trying to remember why.
          
          And maybe that’s the scariest part — when “nothing’s wrong” starts to feel like the problem..

Have you ever felt like you want to stop loving, but your heart doesn’t listen?
          
          Anyways, good night LA :)

⚰️

Day 20 of suffering from inside:-
          
          Ever felt like no one really sees you? Like you’re carrying storms inside, but the world only notices the smile you wear? That’s me—your younger self—watching you struggle in silence, wishing I could take some of the weight off your shoulders. It’s okay to admit it hurts. It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to face everything alone… even if you think you do. I’m here, always, even when no one else is.

I’m the kind of tired that sleep can’t fix. The kind of hurt that doesn’t show up in bruises. I don’t scream anymore—I just sigh, deeply, hoping the pain will leave with my breath. People talk about healing like it’s linear, like it’s a journey with a destination. But what if healing feels like reliving it all over again, just a little quieter each time? I’m not asking for someone to fix me. I just want someone to sit with me in the silence and not ask me to be okay.

There are days when I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. Just empty eyes, heavy shoulders, and a heart that keeps pretending. I’m tired of being strong. Tired of being quiet. Tired of always being the one who “has it all together.” Because the truth is—I don’t. I’ve mastered the art of looking whole while silently falling apart. And no one notices. They only miss you when you break out loud.

I’ve stopped asking for things like love, comfort, or even understanding. Now I just wish for silence that doesn’t echo, nights that don’t hurt, and mornings where I don’t wake up already exhausted. People see my face and think I’m doing fine. They don’t see how I disappear when no one’s looking. How I sit in the dark, not crying, not feeling—just... existing. It’s a strange thing, to be alive but not living.

Somewhere between holding on and letting go, I lost myself. I laugh, I speak, I exist... but nothing truly feels alive anymore. It’s like I’m here, but not really. Just moving through days that blur into nights, carrying a heart that’s forgotten how to feel light. I don’t cry like I used to—I just stare, quietly, hoping someone will notice the silence. It’s exhausting pretending to be okay when your soul is screaming for rest. Not attention. Not pity. Just... peace. A soft place where I can fall apart without having to explain why.

I’ve survived storms no one even knew I was going through. But some days, I don’t know how much longer I can swim.

I was the quiet one,
          The one who nodded, stayed in line,
          Let others choose, stayed small to keep the peace—
          But inside, I was screaming all the time.