yippee!!!!

I bought my mom Tomodachi life as an early Mother’s Day present and she and my dad have been playing it together 
          
          So far their shared island has; 
          - my mom and dad, now married 
          - me, boring, who I forced them to go after a steampunk mii 
          - my sister and her boyfriend. They’re both crushing on each other, but my sister keeps being cold and rejecting him when he’s being sweet (like when he put a cloth on a puddle for her, she walked away) my mon has been trying to get them together for so long in the game 
          - yoda, who is also crushing on my sister 
          - a steampunk mii who idek her name, but they made her specifically for the steampunk dress outfit, and I demanded to date her 
          - our dog Ruby as a mii, long before my mom knew she could make pets 
          - our birds Ethel and Olive. They are lesbians and dating. Our birds are also lesbians and mates in real life. 
          - standard Dan. My dad got control of the island and immediately used his control to make the most default mii using the prompts he could. 
          - Deadpool. He is my mii’s only friend. 
          - Snape, dumbledore (spelled dumbledoor) and McGonagall, because she’s a millennial woman, her choices of interests are between Harry Potter, Disney, or home decor, and she got two of them 
          
          And of course;
          - the geese that patrol the parking lot of my mom’s work
          
          

Im concerned that I never posted how bad I’ve been doing the last few months. 
          
          I’m concerned that I told people my doctor said I was passively suicidal the same way you tell someone you watched a new tv show, or saw something interesting on the street. 
          
          I’m concerned that my thoughts never truly came out because I know that I used to write them here, when I was at my worst, and at least they were being expressed. 
          
          I’m concerned that I’ve hardly expressed myself enough to show people how bad I really was, instead of just enough to be worried. 
          
          I’m concerned that I can admit that if I were one of my clients, I’d have called 911 months ago for suicidal ideation, and yet I couldn’t do it for myself. 
          
          I’m concerned that I’m now questioning if I really was the worst Ive ever been, even if I didn’t have a plan, or wasn’t actively harming myself. 
          
          And I’m concerned that I just realized that drafting the note in my head still counts as writing a note, making a plan, even though the words never hit paper. 

Self harm discussion below- 
          
          
          
          
          
          I feel like a lot of people who have self harmed will one day have a day where they never pick up their tool again. 
          
          One day, they’ll pick up the blade, or the lighter, or the glass, or the pipe, or the tool, for the very last time. 
          
          I’ve not made it to that day yet. 
          
          I’m doing better. So much better. I can cope now. Every time I pick up the blade, I stare, I consider, I think, and then I put it down again. I haven’t used the blade in years. But I still pick it up. I still consider it. I still have the urge to use it. And then I put it down. 
          
          One day, I’ll get to the point where it doesn’t take me twenty minutes to put it down. 
          
          One day, I’ll be able to put it down in ten minutes. Then five. Then two. 
          
          One day, I’ll put it down and never pick it up again, but I know I’ll keep staring at it. 
          
          One day, I’ll be able to look away quickly. 
          
          One day, it will only be in the back of my mind. 
          
          And one day, I won’t even consider it at all. 
          
          That’s what I hope. 
          
          And it’s so funny that I have these revelations on such important days. I think it’s the universe telling me that I need to keep going. 
          
          Because the closest I’ve ever been to relapsing was when I was sitting in the bathroom, holding my knife, ready to use it, and I decided to open my tracking app first to reset it. And I noticed that it was a couple seconds past my two year milestone. And I put the knife down. 
          
          Today I’m thinking about this, thinking about how one day I’ll never pick it up again. And I checked my app, because I wanted to know. And today is day 800. 
          
          And tomorrow will be 801. 

Had a horrible day at work. Came home breaking down. 
          
          Had to submit my incident report. Laptop wouldn’t work. 
          
          Was about to go upstairs. Got a nose bleed. 
          
          Was in the bathroom dealing with the nose bleed and decide to pee. 
          
          IM ON MY PERIOD 
          
          So now here I am sobbing bleeding from both ends and I get to do it all over again tomorrow 

Idk what’s wrong with me but I keep forgetting to close things and turn things off 
          
          My old tv used to not turn off after a period of inactivity, but my new one does shut off automatically, so if I forget to turn it off that’s not an issue. The issue is I forget to pause or turn off the YouTube video i was watching so it keeps going. 
          
          I went out to shovel, grabbed the shovel from the garage, and forgot to close the garage door after I went back in
          
          Then I forgot to close the inside door to the garage all night once. Which is bad because it’s winter and we have birds. 
          
          I also forgot to close the freezer door. Which is bad because we have so much food in there and we’re so broke that we can’t afford food waste. Thankfully it’s winter and the freezer is in the garage. 
          
          I forgot to turn the sink off in TWO DIFFERENT bathrooms. The first time my mom used the downstairs bathroom not long after I did while I was cooking and noticed I didn’t turn the sink off. The second was this morning, I had forgotten my phone in my bathroom and noticed I didn’t turn the sink off after brushing my teeth. 
          
          My water flosser has two switches, one to turn it on and one to make the water go (like how a hose with a sprayer has the on/off valve, and then the sprayer that you have to pull the trigger with) and I keep forgetting to turn the on/off one off, despite the fact that it makes an annoying machinery sound 
          
          It’s gotten so frequent that I had to run downstairs twice after taking my food upstairs to make sure I closed the fridge, and then had to check the security camera to double check 

“God, who the heck left the bathroom so cluttered and messy?” Says I, the only one in this house who uses this bathroom

The only way I can describe the way the right think about trump is as though they’re all 15 year old lesbian/bi girls in a super codependent and toxic friendship with the first girl they ever had romantic feelings for who is also their best friend and entire world 

It’s weird how such unrelated decisions changed the course of my life 
          
          Like how the house my parents picked out for me determined where I went to college 
          
          My parents deciding on the house we lived in, deciding between two houses and coming to the conclusion that my family would value a house with a finished basement more than a big backyard, especially with a park nearby. That leads me to being in the zone for the elementary school I went to, which lead to the friends I made, which lead to me following a friend to college. 

My sister is so used to me going ‘it’s happened again, I’ve watched a new show and it’s happened again’ and knowing exactly what I mean 

It’s crazy how procrastinating applying to field placement lead to me finding my calling in life. 
          
          I procrastinated so hard that I was left with either picking the only option left or waiting another year to graduate. So I picked that option with a ‘I can pick a better option for my second placement’ mentality. 
          
          And the option I stumbled into because I procrastinated ended up being the area of social services that I thrive in. I adored my placement, I loved the work, I loved the challenge. I loved it so much. I learned a lot in it. 
          
          I also loved my second placement, it taught me so much and I worked with such a diverse group of people, both client wise and worker wise, but my first placement gave me my entire future pathway. 
          
          I now work for an agency that supports the same population that my first placement did, just in my hometown, and I genuinely think that I found my calling in life, that this is what I was put here to do. It is the most fulfilling, challenging, amazing jobs to ever be in my possession. 
          
          Obviously I’d never ever EVER suggest people do what I did, I just got incredibly lucky and my situation had every chance to end up being that that placement would be something I despised doing. I just think it’s funny that I stumbled into my purpose