w1bble_w0bble

I wonder if any of my friends got in trouble for coming home from my house smelling like cigarettes because my dad was a smoker when I was young and smoked basically in the house 

Just read a fanfic where someone described a character using anxiety medication that was prescribed to them and feeling the effects of the medication aid to manage their anxiety as ‘being addicted to anti-anxiety pills’ 
          
          I don’t typically leave comments. But when I’m less mad. I will be leaving one. 

I’m a lil stoned and I just started crying 
          
          Because I’m SO happy I live in a world where I’m queer 
          
          And I’m part of this massive community of people who just 
          
          Love 
          
          Love to love 
          
          Themselves, others 
          
          And sure there’s the bad apples 
          
          But we just love

You can only pick one, “adult man with a horrible or nonexistent relationship with his biological father and becomes a goofball who is hiding deep insecurity and daddy issues, who then meets an older man in a position of power in their workplace who they slowly get closer to and gain a mentor relationship with, which then progresses to them viewing this character as their father, this character viewing him as his child and they acknowledge this is some way” son, or “teenage girl who grew up mostly or entirely in the apocalypse, remembering as a child, jumping from group to group, being betrayed and harmed and watching everyone die in front of you, but you had your father figure, a man who found you after your family was gone, took you in, protected you, taught you to survive, supported you, and saw you as his daughter, now as a teenager you are stoic and badass, only soft for your son, the boy you are raising with the same ideals” daughter? 

I bought my mom Tomodachi life as an early Mother’s Day present and she and my dad have been playing it together 
          
          So far their shared island has; 
          - my mom and dad, now married 
          - me, boring, who I forced them to go after a steampunk mii 
          - my sister and her boyfriend. They’re both crushing on each other, but my sister keeps being cold and rejecting him when he’s being sweet (like when he put a cloth on a puddle for her, she walked away) my mon has been trying to get them together for so long in the game 
          - yoda, who is also crushing on my sister 
          - a steampunk mii who idek her name, but they made her specifically for the steampunk dress outfit, and I demanded to date her 
          - our dog Ruby as a mii, long before my mom knew she could make pets 
          - our birds Ethel and Olive. They are lesbians and dating. Our birds are also lesbians and mates in real life. 
          - standard Dan. My dad got control of the island and immediately used his control to make the most default mii using the prompts he could. 
          - Deadpool. He is my mii’s only friend. 
          - Snape, dumbledore (spelled dumbledoor) and McGonagall, because she’s a millennial woman, her choices of interests are between Harry Potter, Disney, or home decor, and she got two of them 
          
          And of course;
          - the geese that patrol the parking lot of my mom’s work
          
          

Im concerned that I never posted how bad I’ve been doing the last few months. 
          
          I’m concerned that I told people my doctor said I was passively suicidal the same way you tell someone you watched a new tv show, or saw something interesting on the street. 
          
          I’m concerned that my thoughts never truly came out because I know that I used to write them here, when I was at my worst, and at least they were being expressed. 
          
          I’m concerned that I’ve hardly expressed myself enough to show people how bad I really was, instead of just enough to be worried. 
          
          I’m concerned that I can admit that if I were one of my clients, I’d have called 911 months ago for suicidal ideation, and yet I couldn’t do it for myself. 
          
          I’m concerned that I’m now questioning if I really was the worst Ive ever been, even if I didn’t have a plan, or wasn’t actively harming myself. 
          
          And I’m concerned that I just realized that drafting the note in my head still counts as writing a note, making a plan, even though the words never hit paper. 

Self harm discussion below- 
          
          
          
          
          
          I feel like a lot of people who have self harmed will one day have a day where they never pick up their tool again. 
          
          One day, they’ll pick up the blade, or the lighter, or the glass, or the pipe, or the tool, for the very last time. 
          
          I’ve not made it to that day yet. 
          
          I’m doing better. So much better. I can cope now. Every time I pick up the blade, I stare, I consider, I think, and then I put it down again. I haven’t used the blade in years. But I still pick it up. I still consider it. I still have the urge to use it. And then I put it down. 
          
          One day, I’ll get to the point where it doesn’t take me twenty minutes to put it down. 
          
          One day, I’ll be able to put it down in ten minutes. Then five. Then two. 
          
          One day, I’ll put it down and never pick it up again, but I know I’ll keep staring at it. 
          
          One day, I’ll be able to look away quickly. 
          
          One day, it will only be in the back of my mind. 
          
          And one day, I won’t even consider it at all. 
          
          That’s what I hope. 
          
          And it’s so funny that I have these revelations on such important days. I think it’s the universe telling me that I need to keep going. 
          
          Because the closest I’ve ever been to relapsing was when I was sitting in the bathroom, holding my knife, ready to use it, and I decided to open my tracking app first to reset it. And I noticed that it was a couple seconds past my two year milestone. And I put the knife down. 
          
          Today I’m thinking about this, thinking about how one day I’ll never pick it up again. And I checked my app, because I wanted to know. And today is day 800. 
          
          And tomorrow will be 801. 

Had a horrible day at work. Came home breaking down. 
          
          Had to submit my incident report. Laptop wouldn’t work. 
          
          Was about to go upstairs. Got a nose bleed. 
          
          Was in the bathroom dealing with the nose bleed and decide to pee. 
          
          IM ON MY PERIOD 
          
          So now here I am sobbing bleeding from both ends and I get to do it all over again tomorrow 

Idk what’s wrong with me but I keep forgetting to close things and turn things off 
          
          My old tv used to not turn off after a period of inactivity, but my new one does shut off automatically, so if I forget to turn it off that’s not an issue. The issue is I forget to pause or turn off the YouTube video i was watching so it keeps going. 
          
          I went out to shovel, grabbed the shovel from the garage, and forgot to close the garage door after I went back in
          
          Then I forgot to close the inside door to the garage all night once. Which is bad because it’s winter and we have birds. 
          
          I also forgot to close the freezer door. Which is bad because we have so much food in there and we’re so broke that we can’t afford food waste. Thankfully it’s winter and the freezer is in the garage. 
          
          I forgot to turn the sink off in TWO DIFFERENT bathrooms. The first time my mom used the downstairs bathroom not long after I did while I was cooking and noticed I didn’t turn the sink off. The second was this morning, I had forgotten my phone in my bathroom and noticed I didn’t turn the sink off after brushing my teeth. 
          
          My water flosser has two switches, one to turn it on and one to make the water go (like how a hose with a sprayer has the on/off valve, and then the sprayer that you have to pull the trigger with) and I keep forgetting to turn the on/off one off, despite the fact that it makes an annoying machinery sound 
          
          It’s gotten so frequent that I had to run downstairs twice after taking my food upstairs to make sure I closed the fridge, and then had to check the security camera to double check 

“God, who the heck left the bathroom so cluttered and messy?” Says I, the only one in this house who uses this bathroom