may

yearning playlist though not every song hits as it did before <3
          
          https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5Er2x0UmjOJeaKh5biozQM?si=3Uw02x5sS-KB40rAg-sAvw
          
          funny how one saved it while i made it for another

“I would make wishes: if he calls me before the end of the month, I’ll give five hundred francs to a charity.  I imagined that we had met in a hotel, at an airport, or that he had sent me a letter. I replied to words he had never spoken, sentences he would never write.”
          -- Annie Ernaux, Simple Passion

how can i teach my mind and hands to be patient? i’m sick of ruining things before i can even start them

i threw up and it didn’t sting at all today.
          there was no awful bile leaving an aftertaste of my insides, my foulness, my gluttony. it tasted sweet, even.  i wanted to throw up more, i would have stayed there if i could.  i love the feeling of weighing nothing more than air.

i want to write a filthy novel, so tender and gross and so unbelievably bad.
          when i was a kid, i tried to be pretentious and read classic literature--it stuck for a while, but never really cooled that ache in me, that burning, burning ache in me. my only cure were those trashy novels with black and white pictures of people on them, the ones that were specifically published in the 2000s or 2010s, the ones where you obviously know everyone is likely all kinds of ist in a millennial sort of way. they remained so unbelievably bad, so horrendously addicting.   they carried this kind of aura, the same way a shitty reality tv show does and it's comforting in a way.  it's freeing to read them, my perverse nature settled in my bones, sighing "home."  my love for angst and drama came from them.

one day i wish to annoy a man so much, he'll fall madly in love with me

look at you big guy with your strong arms and big heart! 
          look at you, with your hair that can’t decide if it’s blonde or brown,
          and eyes that shift between blue, green, and yellow like a shallow sea.
          you’re too painfully noble for me, you keep your palms open, searching for what you cannot name i’m not even sure you even know. you have too much pride to beg, too much of knowing to fix yourself.  you confess the strangest secrets to me, but i know i’m not the only one enamored by your odd demeanor, you do this to everyone.
          so, i’ll bring a million birds just to imitate the sun for you to see me,  i’m ur foolish starling, with frantic wings and a heavy heart.  i swarm your peaks until the sky goes dark with my history, blotting out the light until there is nothing left but the sound of a thousand wings and the weight of your stone.  i’ll tell you my sorrows, my joys as you shake and nod your head, never having much to say as the man you are with your broad shoulders, carrying a weight you refuse to admit. i can’t stay, i only come on a whim, you know that better than i do--you, who cannot move, you with your lack of ego, you who has known no movement but endurance.  and when i come to you again, you don't ask, you’ll  just tell me, “we can’t keep meeting like this”
          and bask in my pathetic fire.

girl u DISAPPEARED ?????!?!?!?!?!? I MISSED UUUUU HELLOOO WELCOME BACK! ive just seen ur follow request!! how have u BEEN? where are the poems? THE LETTERS

im actually so chronically online cus wdym i waited for the youtube premiere of drop dead and recorded it???
          
          I LOVEEE HER NEW AESTHETIC THOUGH!!

holy shit, i have an essay to do but idk what to write ab!!!!!
          send best wishes and help!!!!!!