not a stan anymore

uhh hi 
          
          no ones updating anymore and im sad

woah forgot ab this damn 

im about to read the cherry fic,, im scared

hi bitcHes so i just wanted to give a bit of an update on my mental health since i always vent here
          
          im getting better. and im proud. ive been taking my meds consistently for about a month now and im feeling better. i came out to my therapist and med doctor and im being appreciated and helped.
          
          after i had those depressive episodes or whatever you call them, i told myself that i didnt want to suffer or be a burden to anyone, so i forced myself to get better.
          
          ofc i still slip. i still get depressed a lot. but i dont let myself stay curled up in a ball. i deleted all sad playlists and told my self to only listen to happy//indie music. i told myself to stop making self shaming jokes. or degrade myself in any way. 
          
           i could type sm more but im feeling lazy rn lmao.
          
          ily all and tysm for taking time out of your day to read this or my shitty books.
          
          

im tired of no one caring

im tired of being lgbtq+. im tired of questioning it all the time and always being put in a catagorey. im tired of not being taught about this and having to learn about it myself. learning to defend myself and having to grow up fast so i can stay safe. im tired of hiding it from my mom. im tired of the fear of being outed by my shitty friend. 
          
          im tired of everyone hating everyone. instead of asking "how" they just envy them. dispise them. everything is a compatiton now. its tiring.
          
          im tired of being self conscious. im tired of thinking im looking decent just to get my picture taken and look like a fucking elf. im tired of my weird body. my hip dips, my huge rips, my broad shoulders, my cirular body, my huge chin and my huge forehead.
          
          m tired of living. i wanna end it. i wanna end it so bad. but theres so many things i havent done yet. i havent even come out to my parents yet. i just cant leave yet. 
          
          so i guess ill just sit here and suffer until i finally snap

im tired of being treated like a fucking five year old. im tired of everyone thinking that i dont know whats best for me and i know nothing about myself. 
          
          im tired of the stigma around teenage depression. everyone laughs at it because we all just had "that phase". that everyone can just cringe at it now. im tired of people forgetting that its actual emotions. yeah, it might just be hormones. yeah, it might be just a quick phase. but im still feeling every single fucking emotion that comes with it.
          
          im tired of my dad. im tired of him leaving all the time for work and only coming home to scold me. im tired of his anger issues and how he yells at me for everything.
          
          im tired of my parents not knowing how to deal with kids. that they dont know that they just need to leave me alone when im on the floor sobbing and begging them to just leave me alone for a bit.
          
          im tired of them acting supprised when i finally break. when they look at me weird when i finally snap. when i break out sobbing and slit my wrists as i break a door down and lock myself in the bathroom for hours. im tired of them barely even batting an eye until i somehow effect their precious property.
          
          im tired of wanting to hurt myself. the craving for pain and the control over it. i miss when i could just feel the cold blade slice through my thin pale skin. 
          
          i got scared, though. i didnt want anyone to notice. so i tried scratching myself. didnt help. i tried using a red marker. didnt help. i tried hitting my wrist with a rubber band. didnt help. i finally settled on biting and scratching and ripping the skin on my knuckles. yeah, it makes my hands look disgusting, but no one questions it.
          
          
          

im tired
          
          im tired of living im tired of breathing and im just tired of life in itself.
          
          im tired of dealing with reegan and whether or not shes my friend. im tired of darby and her being toxic. im tired of chayse and her mood swings. im tired of ella leaving me for the rich kids and only talking to me as a last resort. im tired of mr n constantly trying to get me to talk more in his class. im tired of my mrs v treating me like shit bc im not smart enough. im tired. 
          
          im tired of laying in bed, shaking and shivering cold. im tired of passing out during panic attacks. im tired of being a bitch and not being able to handle anything. im tired of being a sensitive bitch.
          
          im tired of my mom and how toxic she is to me. im tired of her calling me names, but yelling at me when i call myself them. im tired of her being as abusive as she can without actually being abusive. im tired of her calling me names. im tired of believing her. 
          
          im tired of being so fucking weird. acting like a fucking crackhead around my friends to hide the pain. i barely have any empathy, but i always feel like its my responsability to keep everyone happy. i work my ass off writing paragraphs to people everynight on why theyre beautiful or why they shouldnt be sad.
          
          im tired of not being able to voice any of this to my mom. im tired of just crying whenever i talk about this stuff. im tired of being a little bitch. crying at everything. overreacting.
          
          im tired of the thoughts in my head that tell me im just a little bitch. im just a sensitive selfish attention seaking whore that only cares about herself. that im nothing and nothing i say or do matters because im just a teen.
          
          

shane being a bottom scares me im sorry

someone f u c k i n g update