I just really need to completely spill all of my emotions somewhere and this is the only place I have. In all honesty I feel broken most of the time. I feel like I need to keep a smile on my face to make sure everyone else is happy but I never think about my self. Everything and everyone around me seems like they shouldn't be there. Like I don't deserve to be surrounded by people who could possibly care about me. Why should anyone I'm really nothing special. All I want to do all the time is make sure that everyone else is happy and then I end up sad and crying. I make sure that everyone else is okay and the outcome is destroying myself. I blame myself for everything bad that happens to the people I care about and I convince myself that if I wasn't in their lives that it would have never happened to them. Then I try to distance myself, because in my head I just can't fathom that I'm not the reason something happened. Inside I feel empty. My happiness comes from being around people I care about but I know that it's not the same for them. And then when I'm alone I think about it. How people probably prefer not being around me. It's an almost indescribable feeling. Feeling so alone and sad that nobody can change it. And then when I try to open up and go out and do things with people, I wish to be back home alone in my room. When I'm alone I'm sad and when I'm with others I'm angry that I'm the reason maybe someone else isn't having a good time. My escape are things I shouldn't be doing and I regret everything I do everytime I do it but I can't stop. I hate the person I am. It's like a deep rooted hatrid for the person I have allowed myself to become and no matter how hard I try I can't change it. Makes me feel like I have no control over my own life. I'm powerless. Like I'm useless. Idk man.
