hilal 🍧

siz de bazen ne hissedeceginizi sasiriyor musunuz? bir gun diyorum cok mutsuzum sonraki gun diyorum cok da buyuk bi problem degil hayat devam ediuo. bazen diyorum ben artik bundan nefret ediyorum, sonra diyorum neden edeyim ki? birine kin tutmak huzura ulasmami engeller, ayrica bana kotu bir sey yapmadi. sonra diyorum cok da umrumda degil zaten ama umrumda yani. bazen diyorum gercekten seven biri boyle cabuk kabullenmez, sonra diyorum mal miyim amk saygi duyup cenemi kapatmam gerek. sonra diyorum ama umrumda?? ama tum hayat bundan ibaret degil? istiyorum ama zorlarsam aptal durumuna dusucem zorlamazsam susar kabullenir unutursam da o zaman da hic istememis olmam mi zaten simdi yani? o zaman zaten hic umrumda degilmistir? anladiniz mi ya kafam cok karisik. ayrica umursadikca kendimi obsessed gibi hissediyorum... sinirlerim cok bozuk. kimsenin manyagi gibi gorunmek istemiyorum cunku ezikce amk!

Oyuncagi miyim ben bunun? Kaybolunca mı degerim biliniyor? Yok mu olmam lazim illa?

Ben bu kizi ne zaman dusunsem istahim kaciyo normal mi brah

I hate the way she loves me

sometimes I just wanna (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠) or maybe ( ´⁠ω⁠｀) 

I always write all those stuffs when I'm sleepy and emotional. And whenever I read them I just realize how many mistakes I made while pouring my feelings. But you know what? I don't give a shit about it anymore. Like who cares? You understood, didn't you? Fuck it I just wanna talk nonsense sometimes is that wrong?

If there's actually someone reading these things, they might ask "why is she even texting all these in English when she's clearly not good at it?" It's so hard for me to express myself in my native language. I feel cringe, weird or too much. I know I'd use so many terms to express myself if I text these stuffs Turkish. But I don't wanna do that. Like it's impossible not to sound poetic when you write about your emotions with Turkish. When I write English it feels way better because it sounds sincere, was that the word? I don't know. More casual, more comfortable, you know what I mean? Also, English is universal, right? I was talking about making people understand me if they read these stuffs so they could see that they're not going through all those things all by themselves. Maybe they'll relate to something I wrote here, right? Maybe they'll feel better about it.

I wanna commit so bad 

I hate when people break contact without explaining things. Did I do something wrong? Was it something else I did? Was it something else? I just want to know. It happened once when I was little, but it wasn't in my hand, it wasn't in anyone's hands to be honest. I don't want to lose people without even saying goodbye. This is my biggest fear. What will happen to them? What will happen to me? What will happen if one of us dies? It shouldn't be this way, we should say goodbye, we should explain everything before leaving each other.

I feel like I lost my creativity when I grow up. Now writing about things that are making me feel better or understood is defined as "cringe" or "corny" which is just making me feel ashamed. Now only thing I can write about is falling in love with a "teenager" way and having sex. This is stupid. Teenagers can love deeply, they can feel deeper things than just happiness or you know.. I don't know how to describe this but this had been fucking with my head lately. I feel like I have deep feeling inside me waiting to be poured or discovered, I need to explore them like I used to do but now I feel so embarrassed whenever I do it. "Oh you're making it a big deal, oh this is so cringe, nobody cares.." Maybe someone cares, right? Maybe you don't but there's someone waiting to explore themselves, and trying to find a way desperately, or trying to find someone that are experienced or currently experiencing the same thing. What's wrong with having feelings? Writing them down? What's wrong about pouring my heart in my fucking account that I use? I never experienced that thing, never had someone making fun of my writings but I'm sure there is someone laughing at them, or other's writings, thinking "what is he yapping about haha" This thing is eating me alive, I can't stop thinking it and can't write my feelings freely in any platform. I wanna share things, I wanna share experiences without feeling like I'm being too much. I'm not expecting anyone to hear me, read my words, I'm just expecting to find someone who's willingly reading them, trying to understand what's going on in my head and willingly sharing their own stories with me. That's why I wanted to be a psychologist when I was younger, I wanna explore people's minds, I wanna learn new stories every single day. And that's why I go to therapies, even though I can't heal, I love sharing my story.