izzy fain

I am alive.

5/27/20

So, I don't even know why I'm doing this because it's not like anyone's gonna read it, but here goes nothing I guess. 
          
          Depression has a vice grip on my mind and it just keeps getting tighter. My mental stability is wavering in a way it never should and never has. Yes, it's been bad, but never to the point of actually not being able to get out of bed in the morning or crying because I woke up knowing I have to deal with it again and again and again. 
          
          I'm rocking the boat by writing this. The voices are bad. My anxiety is through the fucking roof. I have so many goddamned walls up, it's a never ending fucking maze that no one, not even me, can get through. Yeah I know the way, the shortcuts, the ins and outs. I'm never going to actually talk about them though. That'd be too easy. 
          
          In fact, I make it so hard to get through to me, it seems easy. I'm done doing this. 
          
          I fucking hate it. And it's not the actual depression or anxiety that I hate, it's the reaction I get from others when I talk to them about or try to talk to them about it. 
          
          If you ever get to know me, you are walking on eggshells the entire time. Why is because it's not a matter of when I let in, it's if I ever do. Because when I let people in, they always leave. I'm tired of being abandoned by everyone. 
          
          I have abandonment issues, I'm not going to cover that up. I'm used to it, people leaving me all the time, but that doesn't give you or anyone else the right to just walk out of my life and come and go as you please. 
          
          I am not a shopping mall. You can't just come back in my life whenever you need something or you're bored or you need something to do. That's not how this works. 
          
          If you are going to walk out, stay the fuck gone. Don't bother coming back. It hurts more when you do because I know you'll just leave again and I don't know if you'll even come back. It's always a surprise pop up if and when you do. Don't do that to me. Please. 
          
          
          
          

Soooo.... I got a bunny
          
          
          
          Her name is Kookie....
          
          She's a dwarf lionhead and I love her so frickin much❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
          
          
          
          I have wanted a bunny for a little over two years now but I was just now able to get one
          
          
          
          Maybe this quarentine isn't so bad after all  

I need to get TF over my ex. 
          
          Like, "calm down Jayden! Matthew doesn't like you anymore hun!"

Not really liking this new update. But oh well, I can still read at least

So, a bunch of stuff had happened in that last week. A teacher at my school got arrested for human trafficking, my best friend of 7 years went into hospice for a failed attempt, and my anxiety is as worse as it has ever been. 
          
          I'm really freaking out. My mom and dad are practically non-existent and my grandma, even though she tries her best, she just doesn't understand it quite the way I need her to. So that leaves me with no one to turn to. Yes, I get it, I have other family who would understand, and friends who would always be willing to listen, but that's not what I need.
          
          I need someone who can hold me and tell me I'm going to be alright and take care of me, or someone I can hold and take of. I hate having to grow up so fast because it leads to feeling lonely. 
          
          I feel as if I'm trapped, and I can't do anything about it. I feel like I've been walking through a time loop that never changes, just keeps resetting and playing again. I don't know what to do. I always have to be strong for others, but I can't do it anymore. 
          
          Always feeling like you have to be strong for others, but constantly feeling on edge as if someone is going to call you out for faking it all. As if someone is going to be able to see through the mask. I've lost myself and I'm working on finding my way back. 
          
          Things really suck right now, but I'll deal with it accordingly and change the things I can, and leave behind the stuff I can't. I've made so much progress, but at the same time I feel like I've done nothing. 
          
          It's just becoming too much to handle lately.

Oooff he's hot
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/71215892