From what I read so far, it's pretty good. There are some spelling and punctuation errors, so I think you should go back and revise (if you want to). I also noticed a lot of grammatical errors. Remember to be consistent in the tense you're using.
I noticed that you're a very detailed writer. However, I think you're a bit too descriptive. Don't get me wrong, detail is good. But sometimes your descriptions are too exaggerated(?) or grand. They are also very long and wordy. When the only thing the reader sees is just detail detail detail, it can get boring. Also, don't state the obvious. In the third chapter, you took made it evident that jungkook was late. Then you described how he was rushing because he was late. The reader understands he's late so there is really no need to say he was rushing because he was late. You know?
Please don't take any of this personally. This is all just constructive criticism. None of this is intended to be offensive. If you were offended I apologize, but I really was looking at this objectively.
