petunia

hi its my birthday. i still feel very sad but now i am a year older so thats cool.
          
          bye now
          
          kiss kiss
          petunia

today is june 18th, four days since my last rant
          four is my favorite number.  
          i tried to make my brother hot chocolate today,  
          picked out four tiny marshmallows.  
          without chocolate syrup, i opted for cocoa baking powder,  
          poured the milk and silently wept.  
          i put too much powder in, it wouldn't stir,  
          scooped the excess, feeling stupid.  
          counted four steps to the sink,  
          muttered aloud, "four is my favorite number,"  
          i am met with no response,  
          my brother is lost in phone calls with friends,  
          unaware of my struggle,  
          my wordless tears,  
          loud footsteps to the sink,  
          and chattering teeth.  
          stirred and microwaved, but the drink looked wrong,  
          tasted gross and bitter,  
          cocoa baking powder, no substitute.  
          dumped the failed attempt,  
          and i ate his marshmallows in desolation
          poured him a glass of milk instead,  
          handed it over, irritated.  
          he glanced up from his game,  
          "oh and could you get me a cookie too, please?" he asked casually,  
          accepting the milk with a nod.  
          how could i forget the cookie?
          feeling a twinge of annoyance i hand him the cookie
          "goodbye," i said as i turned to leave,  
          no response came from him, lost in his chat.
          thats how it always is with him
          as i walk away i glance at the clock
          12:01 am
          four is my favorite number

hi hi i will rant now. i believe doing this is like a wake up call, a wake up to the world around me and how its not all about me. right now i havent responded to my friend who has texted me. me and him are quite similar sometimes. right now i feel like i am doing him a favor but the thing is, he doesnt have very many friends. i am one of like five friends that he has. i would feel bad if he loses a friend and wonders what he did wrong. i also feel bad because he deserves way better than me. he is such a funny kind and selfless guy. people would be so lucky to have him as a friend. i am selfish ignorant and abrasive. even right now i am being selfish by not responding just because im wallowing in self pity. i hope he finds someone that will treat him with the respect love and kindness that he deserves and i feel bad that i cant be that person. i remember my last rant i said nobody would pick me in a room full of people and i still believe that but, i would pick him. in a room with all 8 billion people on the planet i would pick him. and thats why i am distancing myself. i grow unhealthy attachments and i become depressed when they arent returned. this time ive realized it and i can prevent it. this hurts me and it probably will hurt him. it probably will hurt him more than me and for that reason i know i am making the right choice. i am selfish, so selfish that i am choosing me over him. im choosing my feelings over his. maybe instead of picking him in a room full of people i would pick myself. thats just how selfish i truly am. i cant help myself. i believe one day if i make it to my thirties ill go to therapy in hopes i can fix myself and then i will try to reach out. but thats also another selfish act. i leave him and i expect him to still want me back. thats just evil. but that is what i am. i am an evil cruel ignorant person. i dream to be normal person and suppress these feelings. right now they are just dreams. one day i will change.
          
          sorry
          
          kiss kiss
          petunia

hi again i will rant again now. i feel as if my problems r stupid and small and i am aware they are but they are still my problems. i dont understand my brain. everytime i am feeling troubled i just immediately think of other people having way bigger problems than me. i feel like poop because i could have it way worse but i dont. i feel very small in the world. when i walk my dog i look up to the sky and i reach. i reach and it makes me feel aware of how puny and small i am in this large world. when i go to the beach i like to turn away from the shore and pretend im stranded in the ocean. nobody would be able to save me and i would just have to keep swimming. nobody is a lot if you understand what im trying to say. there are about 8 billion people on the planet. not one of them could save me. i truly believe in a room filled with people not a single person would pick me. i have no friends that i am truly very close to that would pick me in a room filled with other people. to me that is sad but its not anyones fault. you cant force people to be best friends. i have attachment issues. i cling and cling onto one or two people and i dont stop clinging. some people call it love bombing but thats not my intention. when i dont get the same amount of effort and feeling reciprocated it makes me so very sad. it shouldnt. i am the cause of all of my problems. i feel too much. i am too sensitive. me complaining about myself is so cringey because i sound like im fishing for attention. i probably am fishing for attention in my own weird denial-ing way. i cant help myself. i truly cannot help myself. no matter what i do i always feel this nagging feeling of yearning for someone to love me they way i love. funny enough when i did have a friend that loved me that way i ghosted her because it was too much for me. i am a hypocrite. i can never be satisfied. i dont think once at all in my life ive ever been truly content with myself. i probably never will be.
          
          thanks
          
          kiss kiss
          petunia

i am going to rant because i am sad. i dont think anyone will see this but i just want to get my feelings out. right now i am staying in a different city from where i live. im staying with my uncle and the rest of my family. i used to live in this city with my family so as a result of that my family has made friends. my brother specifically has a bunch of friends he enjoys hanging out with and i am happy for him. i currently have no friends here. i enjoy the beach so my brother takes me with when he goes with his friends. i have grown close to one of his friends and i enjoy her company. but when i ask to go with him to hang out he says no and i understand he want to spend time with his friends but im just really sad and i enjoy hanging out with this girl so i dont see the problem with me going with him. he goes with me when i go with my friends back where i live. it really hurts because im really sad about not being back with my friends especially because its kinda my first year having actual friends. ive been isolated because i used to do homeschool but i joined a highschool sports team and ive made many friends. im being invited to things and i have to say i cant go and its making me extremely frustrated because i really miss them. i feel like my problem is really stupid but i cant help but feel frustrated because all i want is just one friend to hang out with. i go to the mall by myself and i feel like shit because not one other person is there by themselves they are all with their friends and i just really wish that could be me. its been 2 months being here and i hate it so much ive been crying every night. but i shouldnt be feeling this way because i know that some people would be so happy living like this because at least i get food shelter and water provided for me. i dont know why i feel this way because i know im going back eventually but its really taking a toll on me.
          
          thank you for reading if u did. ill probably be ranting a lot more.
          
          kiss kiss
          petunia