Eltem

Follow each other?

Could you read my story and tell me what I need to improve on if you have time,please?
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/354886241?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create&wp_uname=HellhoundGigiSpring

@demeter136 You're so welcome! 
          
          The book is huge, but I really enjoyed reading some of the chapters & hope to keep reviewing it in the future!
          Best of luck!

On ''Farmhouse''
          
          I'll pinpoint the weakness in your chapter only. 
          
          1) Missing/incorrect punctuation in dialogue tags and action beats:
          
          The narrative contains inconsistent formatting and typographical errors in the dialogue, particularly missing punctuation and awkward phrasing that disrupt the flow.
           For example, "Thank you "I say" is missing a comma, and "I’m just trying to tell you," I say calmly," has an unnecessary comma after "you.
          Like, "Thank you "I say , resting my head back... > "Thank you," I say, resting my head back...
          "Yeah "he croaks "you are weird as fuck " > "Yeah," he croaks. "You are weird as fuck."
           Always use commas inside quotation marks when attaching dialogue tags (i.e., "...," she said). End dialogue with periods/question marks/exclamation points before closing quotes.
          Correct the punctuation and streamline the dialogue formatting for clarity and consistency.
          In a nutshell, the errors are minor (mostly punctuation/tense), but fixing them will make the prose even tighter. 
          This'll be my last review for the book for today. I'll continue to review the rest in the future. 
          On a side note:
          Feel free to connect on Discord (el_tem) & just share your draft, I'll do my best to help you polish your next manuscript. 
          
          I wish you success for your Book!

On ''The smell of you darling'
          
          Again, masterfully builds a creeping sense of unease. 
          This is a brilliantly unsettling piece, slow-building dread, eerie domestic horror.
          
          However, some tips for improvement: 
          1) The narrative assumes Mom’s return from death without acknowledging it, creating confusion. Her presence is treated normally despite the prior coffin scene, weakening the story’s coherence.
          Add a concise reference to Mom’s return via Manon’s thoughts to tie the scenes together, keeping the subtle horror intact.
          
          Overall, a fantastically creepy story with razor-sharp atmosphere. Just needs tense consistency to polish it. 
          Keep up the amazing work!

Review on ''no mourners ,no funerals"
          
          This is a haunting and emotionally gripping piece. The slow build-up to the chilling twist is masterfully done, with vivid details that immerse the reader in the protagonist’s grief and confusion. The final revelation is horrifying in the best way—unexpected yet eerily plausible.
          
          But I'll highlight:
          1) SPAGs (Tense inconsistency in some places): 
          Like people keep weeping" (present) vs. "People kept weeping" (past).
          Stick to one tense (past is more natural for narration).
          Revision: "People wept. Soft, pitiful voices whispered how sorry they were. As if their words could bring her back."
          2) Minor note: 
          Some sentences could be tightened (like "I didn't go near them. I just watched from afar." ( "I watched them from afar, unwilling to approach.").
          
          Overall, a powerful piece with a devastating payoff. 
          Well done!

Dear demeter136, 
          
          Chapter-One.
          
          This chapter effectively blends innocence with horror, an emotionally charged piece, well written from the perspective of a child's traumatic experience.
          The contrast between the bright, playful opening and the sudden violence is striking!
          But there are pacing, structure, and clarity issues, particularly in the transition from mundane to horrific. 
          I pinpoint those issues here to fix.
          1) Inconsistent Child POV:
          The narration alternates between naive childish phrasing ("I giggle") and hyper-detailed, almost clinical descriptions of gore ("a crater of wet red... his jaw hangs off like a broken doll’s"). 
          A six-year-old wouldn’t articulate trauma this way.
          Simplify the horror through sensory fragments (smell, sound, vague shapes) or emotional reactions ("His face was wrong. There was too much red, and his neck looked like ripped paper.").
          
          2) Abrupt Tone Shift (Whiplash):
          The transition from a lighthearted lab visit to a graphic crash happens too suddenly, robbing the horror of weight.
           Found no clear setup/context for the taxi ride or the accident (“On the taxi ride back home”).
          Additionally, Mom’s reaction to the driver’s reanimation (smiling and holding his hand) feels implausible given the graphic description of his injuries and the immediate danger.
          Make the mother’s reaction ambiguous ("Mom’s mouth moved, but I couldn’t tell if it was a smile or a grimace.").
          3) Logic Gaps in the Attack:
          The driver’s sudden lunge lacks motivation. His reanimation (twitching, blinking, and lunging) introduces a supernatural or zombie-like element, but the narrative doesn’t provide enough context to clarify whether this is a horror story or a realistic account filtered through a child’s terrified perception.
          If the supernatural element is intentional, foreshadow it subtly earlier (like, a strange news report on the radio about unexplained incidents).
          
          Anyways, the childlike voice is authentic, with details like “Junior Scientist” badge etc.

@demeter136 "there is all that in the book "
          Would you share the link at least?

@demeter136 Hi, you're velcome! 
           I’d be happy to help provide feedback on your book. 
          To make sure my review is most useful to you, could you share:
          
          The genre/length of your book
          
          Your timeline (when you need feedback by)
          
          Specific areas you’d like me to focus on (plot holes, character development, pacing, etc.
          OR
          Feel free to connect on Discord (el_tem) & share a draft for beta-read or critique. 
          No pressure.

@venomvenus212 I totally get wanting to keep the narrative direct and focus on a strong character arc.
          Arc can be strengthened without leaning on symbolism. 
          Afterall, it's gonna be your vision & choice, I'm here only to give suggestions, you can discard it if it deems unfit for your storyline!