━━ 𝐘 .

and i love you always telling us to pull our shit together you hypocritical bastard . and telling us how stupid we are, mostly jess because we all know shes nothing short of dumb. and how self-sacrificing you can be. like what kinda stupid bitch says: " i wont sleep till you sleep " ? if that was me id tell them motherfuckers that i'll gladly watch their self-destruction. i suppose what im saying is i appreciate you looking out for me/us all the time. i appreciate all of it even if you are a cranky, forgetful oldie. 
            
            ps. try not forgetting who your friends are every other day please and thank you.

wtf yara. i quite simply cant imagine doing this without you. and by this i mean everything. you're the first person i ever trusted, the first person i ranted to, the first person i allowed myself to care about. the first person i stopped running from. the first person to forgive me and the first to text me after i left .  you were so many of my firsts and essentially for me you were the first dealer. the first person who would become part of this family. and yara i cant imagine us without you because without you there is no us, quite literally. 
            
            i think we all feel responsible for you to an extent. we know just how broken, crushed and close to crumbling you are so we always want to be there when you need it. to collect all the little pieces of you. and that's really saying something considering i really dont give a fuck about anyone's problems. 
            
            More than that however, you have so much of my respect and its not because you're so strong but rather because you can be weak, but you admit your weaknesses; that more than anything takes a lot of courage. you may despise yourself for these weaknesses and what you view as failures but i admire you for them because even though it may kill you, you keep going, for whatever reason. i admire your resilience, your fear, all your worst qualities as much as your best.

⤬    dear  yara  ,
            
            im  slightly disappointed with myself. this past week ive been immersed in developing my story. Its practically the only thing im focusing on right now and then i fell ill. ive been sick for a few days now, point is i didnt have the energy to prepare anything. not for us nor for jess' birthday which is also today. strange how i met you on jess' birthday. well anyways, the point is i dont have anything poetic or monumental written down so im just going to list my thoughts, apologies in advance if it isnt well-written.
            
            you've always loved reminiscing the glory days of wattpad, back in 2017 when the community was thriving. so i suppose its fitting that it was around this time that i met you. well in your words: "the day I thanked you for that follow in the cringiest way possible." I mean you arent wrong, you were pretty cringey but we are all dumb and hyperactive back then. 
            
            I dont remember my first ever interaction with you but my first memory of you? well thats an entirely different story. i think everyone knows the old story now of my perverted makarov and your abusive jenny - it was quite the scene. the summer of '17 was probably the peak of everything.  And though you might not have been my first friend on here you're the one who has stuck with me the longest. congratulations. 
            
            Actually, its pretty crazy how we've managed to keep this going for so long because lets be honest you're a dramatic bitch. ok fine, maybe i was a little dramatic too, we both loved our exits. And our relationship definitely wasnt without turbulence. oh we've definitely had fights, god you rile me up so much sometimes. but despite all of our stupid mistakes and despite all the bullshit we put each other through we're still here, together, 3 whole years later.

⤬    dear  yara  ,      
            
            ❝  it just turned 1 : 00   ⁽   am˚  ⁾  and we've just said goodnight. today was a great day. i finally got somewhere with my story, all these new ideas, everyone's input was great. i have to admit i prefer discord dms so much more.
            
             the other day i was reminded about just how long we've known each other, just how much we've stuck through together. and though we might not voice it out much or at all, you were in many ways my first friend. jess met jaron and i met you.  its crazy. and next month - well in a few days really it'll be 3 years since we've been together. i'll save the essays till then. but yara its just always so natural talking to you. 
            
            anyways tonight was nice. its little conversations like these that i live for, talking about nothing and everything. its just peaceful. coming to the end of a long day and having a short but impactful conversation with you just goes a long way and i love every moment of it. so thank you yara and goodnight. ❞

and i know sometimes it can be difficult to talk about things, depression can be tiring. some days you wish you could be fucking normal that you didnt have this invisible weight dragging you down constantly. but you arent normal, this is your reality and some way or another we'll have to find a way to get through it, take it a day at a time and maybe one day you'll get to start putting yourself back together again.
            
            In some cases it never goes, it becomes a fact of life. if that's how shit turns out just know that you'll never have to walk alone. we'll put up with your bipolar ass like we always do, listen to your rants and love you just as you are. and i sincerely hope that you get that beautiful dream that you so desperately want, except it wont be something that comes to you in an endless sleep but it'll be a waking reality with us. because to me, that's beautiful.
            
            so if you ask me yara, calling you a hero isnt putting you on some sort of pedestal. no,  it's acknowledging your struggle and holding the utmost respect for you because of it. we recognise your pain and your struggle though we might not always understand it, see we're the hero's crew, the loyal bastards who are always here to pull you up, for you to rant to, unload all your problems to and we'll always listen, we'll never turn you away. though we might not be able to physically get rid of your pain we'll always be here for you when you break down. and it may be selfish of me to say this but it kills us to know you're suffering and there's nothing we can do about it, so dont shut us out yara, ever. 
            
            that's what a hero is to me, that's what you are to me.

you said you hated jess calling you a hero and i can understand why, but there's a hidden truth about heroes. they tend to be problematic cowards. here me out here, heroes have always been the people most vulnerable to a sort of fall, crap after countless crap is thrown at them and they make a shit ton of mistakes oh believe me they fall. but it's the people around them that help them back up, a heroes true strength is derived from these people, because they're fucking crybabies who cant go a day without landing themselves in some shit. 
            
            nah mate, it's the crew that do the real saving, they rescue the hero from himself and he in turns rescues others. but inside he's the most broken and vulnerable. and you are very vulnerable .
            
            why do you think well-written heroes are so loved? not because they're amazing or indestructible but because people can relate to them, they can see their own flaws in the myriad cracks of a hero. and to someone who hasnt had any issues they hold admiration for someone who manages to still get out of bed everyday despite all the crap they've experienced. someone who fights to continue breathing when everything seems suffocatingly impossible.
            
             so no, you're not pathetic, fighting against a world where everyone is against you is not pathetic, growing up surrounded by constant judgements and abuse is not pathetic. it's surviving, and you cant hate yourself for not always being able to put up with it because in an ideal world no-one should have to able to deal with that bs.