youknowwhyoryouknow

i tried but I just couldn't stay. why do I feel so out of place with these people. it's supposed to be like a family but I'm the only one not part of it. it's like I'm meant to be away from it all lost in the cold never to know the embrace never to feel the warmth of it. 
          
          it's all so sofacating but all to familiar.
          
          no one ever tries to pull me in it's like they don't see me but I know they do they always do they. scoul and hold their heads high acting like they're better but I know the truth.
          
          they are all bitter.
          
          it's not fair.
          
          
          how much longer must I wait.
          
          I really do hate it here.
          
          although I must say it would be nice to have a big family. a lot of cousins uncles aunties.
          
          but at home it'll just be me and my mother.
          
          my mom from my fantasy.
          

once I die.
          I'll have the mother of my fantasy she'll be all that I've ever dreamed of. I'll have the family I've always wanted. and all I have to do is die leaving everything behind I don't have anyone. well anyone that matters I matter to no one so I won't be hurting anyone once I go. my own mother told me the sooner I do it the happier she'll be. once I'm gone everyone will get their peace and hopefully that includes me. all I have to do. is die. then I'll have my mom. from my fantasy. in my next life.

they were all having fun sharing experiences laughter and smiles. even dancing, while I stayed inside not knowing what was happening but I knew it was happening and I wasn't a part of it I couldn't be a part of it. there's so many things I wanna say so much I wanna do but even if one day I could they'll be no one dancing with me in costume. it's a few days before halloween and everyone is already partying hanging with their friends and family. dancing having a ball while I'm alone aware that I'm not there. that I could never be there. I want to experience these things to but not alone. I want a friend I want someone to dance with. I never ever got to experience anything fun or worth remembering. all my memories are filled with pain and embarrassment. I wanna have fun to I want to dance to. just. not alone. why not me. why can't I have a happy night or at least a decent one. one worth remembering. why can everyone else succeed while I rot. am I asking for to much or is it because I'm me. why can't I dance why can't I see them. why can't I be. part of something other than my fleeting dreams. why are they dancing and I rotting. why not me. why not me.

throughout all my life I've never had someone to call my own I was always a spectator watching everyone be happy smiling with their friends and family just laughing. a day never went by where I wasn't alone until I had someone, a friend one I would do anything for and I did do anything for them. I gave them gifts my attention my mind my loyalty I gave them everything I had till I was left with nothing and in due time they ended up leaving me the cycle kept repeating each one I had I gave them everything because I thought that if I did they would stay but each and every time the more I gave the less i received and the more i was there the more they weren't.
          until they left me completely. 
          
          In due time I started to grow anxious. afraid if you will, afraid that anyone I will have will always end up using me and then leaving.
          I'm now to the point where just the thought of anyone loving me makes me sick to the point of throwing up I can't comprehend it nor see it. so now I mostly just walk this earth as a shadow a guide so that anyone that I know or meet will always know their worth.
          and never end up like me.
          
          I'm nothing more.
          
          than a realization.

god has took everything from me without even being there I was so close to having someone to call my own but fear and uncertainty struck me and I fell ill to the point where I threw up the thought of anyone loving me made me sick it was impossible for me to comprehend or rather accept maybe I knew it was a trap or maybe it wasn't the fact is god didn't gift me with the requirements to hold onto such a life and for that I despise him I can do so many things try and try everyday but even if I succeed all that I gained will be taken away from me all because of him. I lost everything and I continue to lose. I am in so much pain.

 I can't recall the last time I've looked to the stars with hope and wander now every time I look up at the sky at night all I see are flames and ash swirling around the endless void I created I can hear voices screaming at me my eyes burning my heart aching and shivering feeling as tho it's about to be pulled apart ripped out of my rib cage but throughout all the pain I can hear my mom's voice telling me that everything is gonna be ok that she loves me her voice is the one thing that I could never forget sometimes I can feel my head resting in her chest as she whispers in my ear don't cry my love. mommy's here. mommy's here and I love you dearly never forget how much I love you. silly.  still the pain consumes me every day to the point that I lay awake every night just wishing waiting to die the air I breathe feels like needles poking my lungs water feels like lava going down my throat I can't even eat for the sorrows it brings me I don't know why I'm still here breathing alive I just wanna die I have no one in this world and I know oh how I know that I don't deserve a soul. a single soul no friend nor foe only pain and loss. even so I just can't let go of a dream a fantasy that once I die I'll finally be with her. I'm tired of this life I'm tired of waiting I'm tired of overdosing I just wanna die let tonight be the night and if not let tomorrow be the day and if not let the next be my last please that's all I ask I just wanna see my mom. I just wanna see. my mom. mama. I love you. I.love.you.

sometimes I have this dream I'm in the living room just standing looking at the floor until I feel arms wrap around me pulling me closely as I hear her voice I realize that it's my mother she would hug me tightly before spinning me around to look at her. her eyes are so beautiful her face heavenly her smile so warm and captivating as she looks down at me. rubbing my cheeck her eyes never leaving mine. my sweet boy. my dear sweet boy. she would say as we walked to the couch sitting down and talked about our day my eyes never leaving her as she spoke she never wasted a second to pull me close my head resting on her chest as she hummed rubbing my head holding me tightly. my sweet boy. my dear sweet boy. I clung to her as if she were my life line I was afraid of letting go as she continued to hum hugging me close I can feel myself regaining consciousness as I look up at her. her eyes staring back at me as I speak. momma. I love you. I say as I wake up on the floor my shirt covered in blood as I hear screams coming from the other side of the door. another day. another day.

Hey author
          hope you are fine if you are free can you please give my book MAFIA's OBBSESSION a try. And please vote it if you like the part please its a request.https://www.wattpad.com/story/370593292?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=lufi_wolfy

I'm in deep sadness wishing I could be there for the one I adore but they want nothing to do with me anymore I always try with them draining myself every day to make them happy I'm suffering wandering aimlessly wondering why they don't like me maybe she does or at least she used to i don't have a clue on where we stand anymore we used to be good friends but ever since that day she threw me away nothing has been the same maybe I have myself to blame for thinking I could ever have someone that'll stay and never forsake me but just like everyone else she hurt me she's put me through so much pain and  looked at me like I was a monster that fearful look in her eyes made me believe that I was a beast in disguise a monster who should never see the light of day I hated myself I still do her eyes are all I see even in the sky no matter how low or high I fear that this feeling will never go by am i truly the monster for loving and cherishing the one i adore i broke and bent just to see a smile on their face maybe I didn't give enough maybe I should give more my body my eyes my heart even my soul I'll give it all to her if it meant I could be beside her I'm afraid I'll never truly have a connection with someone truly all I want is that one more than anything I want her my best friend I want her more than anything in this world I'd sell my soul if it meant I'd be hers.
          id give anything for her.

i lay there on the ground ringing in my ear blood leaking from my mouth bones rattling I suddenly feel a warm embrace 
          by the woman who has hurt me throughout all my years since I've been born into this world to think the time she would hold me would be like the first time she held me but instead of coming into life I'm slowly leaving out of it. I don't want her embrace to end it feels as tho I'm being submerged under water my lungs beginning to collapse filling with blood I now know everything that she has done to me was out of love. I look up to see my mother's eyes streaming with tears as she looks deeply into mine. my baby boy she says. my hearing begins to fade and so does my sight as I reach out to touch her face one last time. I love you momma.
          I say taking my last breath.
          I love you.
          momma.