Chae Yuki

I think I’m getting sick… in today’s economy? I hope not. :( I feel gross. 

Omg thank u for the vote bby!!!

I can finally breath.. he’s out. Thank goodness. 

So update on my mental health.  I’m doing so much better than I was. I’m learning how to cope with things more healthily as well as how to place boundaries between myself and people I need to. (Ie: my folks) 
          
          I’ve been drinking plenty of water. I can’t say I’ve been eating the best but I’m eating and I’m retaining it so that’s important. My digestive system is very finicky so sometimes it rejects food regardless of its healthy or not. So ultimately I just want to eat something that my body holds on to. 
          
          I’m in a much better headspace and I apologize for not updating anyone who reads these sooner. Work has been very hectic and I’ve just not felt like doing anything outside of reading and sleeping. Lol. 
          
          Drink your water, stretch, eat something yummy, take your vitamins/medication, and know you are loved. 

I’m doing better but I’m still afraid of myself. 
          
          I have my first therapy session next week so I’m excited to see how this turns out. 
          
          Hopefully I can start getting some things worked out and maybe get some clues as to why my brain works the way it does. 
          
          
          I’m still afraid and I’m still disconnecting from
          things... but that’s okay. 
          
          I’m so afraid. 
          
          But I’ll be okay. 

I’ve never wanted to be not here more than I do now. 
          
          
          I don’t want to be here 
          
          
          
          I want to physically manifest the pain I feel inside 
          
          
          But 
          
          
          
          I don’t want to be in pain to do it. 
          
          
          
          Coward
          
          Not a coward
          
          
          I don’t know. 
          
          
          
          
          Just want it all to stop. I’m tired. 
          
          I’m tired of such an innocent joy causing such pain to another. 
          
          I am tired of being selfish for wanting the things I want or make me happy  
          
          I’m tired of constantly giving, listening, feeling everything. Deeply. I’m tired of thinking about everything, all outcomes, all tones, phrases, diction. 
          
          
          I’m tired of it. 
          
          
          I’m just so tired. 
          
          
          
          
          I want to stop. 

I went to the dentist today. I get extreme anxiety when going to the dentist. Basically everytime I went to the dentist since I was 8 years old I had to have some sort or procedure done. Have teeth pulled for braces (yeah that was age 8 till age 11 and then more  permanent orthodontic work till I was 13) fillings put in on several different occasions, wisdom teeth removed etc. 
          
          I’m now an adult and I still get stressed. Well today was ‘so’ much fun because I had to get a procedure done that I have to repeat in two weeks, see a specialist for another one and figure out if I can afford the better treatment plan for my jaw muscles (because they are not doing what they are supposed to be doing) or not. Oh and I had to get a new toothbrush because my other one was causing part of the problem! (In the upside it’s very neat and tacks stuff for me. ) 
          
          I’m baby who has next to no pain tolerance and currently just wants sweets and cuddle but now I am very much Honey- Senpai from OHSHC and I also can’t have anything but water at night.  I just bought a bunch of chocolate and now I have to limit them.. TT_TT Can I please have cuddles, chocolate, and sweet iced tea please?? 
          
          Thank you for humoring my whining. 

AGUSTD D-2 IS  STREAM DAECHWITA! 
          
          That’s all..that’s the tweet. 
          
          

That moment when you’re lactose intolerant and you drink a milkshake... ehhehehe oops?

Well my state has issued a “Stay at home”/ “ Shelter in place” order and while I know it’s for the best my cabin fever and anxiety is only going to skyrocket so send me all the kdrama reccs. You’re favorite ball of depression and anxiety is going to need it. 
          
          <3 ~_~