venting on here bc I don't know what else to do. if you don't want to see any of that, please don't read this. tw! depressing thoughts, body issues n stuff. please don't read this if you're going to get triggered by any of the topics mentioned
I'm so tired. all the time. I feel like I've been stuck in this endless loop for the past few months and I can't get out. and whenever I'm finally having fun or even feeling any sliver of happiness, it's like this voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me it won't last and I'll still feel horrible and worthless when I'm alone with my thoughts at night. I feel like a horrible person because I know so many people have it worse. and I feel really guilty about that because that makes me ungrateful. I don't deserve to feel upset about anything. but then again, i don't deserve to feel happy so I don't know what to feel. I feel like I'm not good enough for anything. all day I'm just waiting for anyone to pay any attention to me. I'm practically begging for anyone to even acknowledge my existence. but nobody ever does, and if anyone does, I tell myself it's only because they feel bad for me. they wouldn't want to talk to someone like me. I'm just me. ever since I was 8 or 9, I've been told that I'm a boring person. that I'm annoying and people only stick around because they felt like they had to. someone literally once told me that nobody will ever love me as I am, and that I need to change. I have to be funnier, I have to talk more, but then when I do I have to talk less. smile more. why do you sound like that when you laugh? be quiet. your presence is so depressing. nobody wants you here. why are you so sad all the time? and then it's the inevitable. I'm not pleasing to look at. I should lose weight, take more care of my skin, fix my hair, hide my stretch marks. I'm so tired. I can't be me because I'm not a good person, but i don't know who else to be, and I wish I did because I'd rather be anyone else but me.