121212🐰

very numb for the past few months now. i seriously need confirmation i have an illness, if i don't- then there's no cure for me......?

basically, welcome to my safe space where i ramble on about lot's of stuff

i have been brainstorming for like, years now (started on 2017) i have these drafts all over.
           #1 rom-com. my first attempt was a bit cliché as it was all i've thought that was popular and would be on the get-go. the build up wasn't good. it was all too fast-paced it ended with 12 or so chapters with a rough estimate of 500-700 words per chapter.
          *too simple, and not descriptive enough, repetitive. 1.7/10
          "he walks to the school. later, he finds a cupcake liner. 'what the fuck?' he thought to himself then picks the cupcake liner up to his bag."
           #2 fantasy. was more on the self indulgence- but the plot was still okay-ish.. heavily referenced and little to no credit to the reference implied. (you can absolutely tell that it's a sort of fan fic from the reference ✋)
          *taps a bit more on surroundings. still don't know most descriptive words and terms, metaphors (even if i did, it was most definitely used wrong) 2.8/10
          "walking to the school, he finds a cupcake liner laying on the groud. he grabs it, shakes off the dirt, and stuff it into his bag 'why a cupcake liner?' he wonders while he walks away to school."
           #3 was basically a desperate remake of the 1st attempt :\ 6/10 for the effort. plot had no backbone. multiple plot holes-
          
          (it's good to leave readers questioning/curious but the questions drove a friend of mine insane after i let them read the draft. they said it was bugging her for weeks and finally asked me about it.)
          
          -and random character happenings/assassination because i did not bother to care. at one point, you'll see a brand new character appear in the middle of an arc(i didn't know there was or what even an arc is back then)

have you ever wanted to feel special? i have. that's for sure.
          
          my whole life i'd been praised and complimented. it's not that those claims weren't true, just exaggerated. when i was old enough to know that those claims were only half of the truth, i was –sad– to say the least.
          
          imagine being told over and over again multiple times that 'you're special', and that 'you're advanced than others!'. obviously, you're ought to believe it- they're adults for pete's sake! us children believe they're always right due to their experiences that come with age.
          
          although i am half of what they say (which is plenty okay, just doesn't fit well with me) it feels demotivating that your whole life you've believed lies. you're not actually that special. (everyone is special, just not that different from each other)
          
          sometimes..i wish i could've been the way i'd envisioned myself. ykno, the happy dude, loves life, has friends who care for each other.
          
          well, that's all for this particular day :D
          have a nice day to whoever is reading this <3

have you ever felt that your whole being isn't you? the way you feel like your name doesn't fit well with you. the way your physical self isn't you. i feel so out of place. it's like i'm possesing someone and they consciously don't know.
          
          do any of you have any idea what i'm experiencing rn?? i'd like to know if this is normal hahha- :'|

you seem like a very interesting person, just wanted to say that ! :D
          i followed you because yes

i've decided to have child(ren?) in the future! i've always wanted to be treated by my parents the way i wanted. i'll adopt instead since i don't want to marry or have a partner ig. the age i want is...hm.. probably 13? that was the age where i started actually being aware of the years being so close, being aware of the short life, depression, realization of everything and anything.
          
          just random 

you know when you find a really good story/fic? well, i've always thought that the author's are missing out. i wish they can also read their own creations as we readers do :( they're the ones who created it so they don't really have the anticipation (since they know the contents) and elements of surprise to make the story better :') i want the authors to be able to know, to understand that the book they wrote about was amazing 
          
          have you ever thought about that? i certainly have.

i fed my bsf and i said "yes, eat it up like the slutty bitch you are." in a deadpan face. my mind didn't catch up to what was going on, till i did catch up and i was so flustered and i kept saying sorry (with lil stutters here and there). god that was so embarrassing. they ended up saying "yes daddy/mommy ;)" it ended up being an inside joke between us. so if we see someone feeding another person, we instantly hear "yes daddy/mommy" programed on our heads.

to everyone who feels that no one likes you/they hate you due to your intelligence? abilities or capabilities, even physical appearance, someone definitely does! you might think "how so?" it's simple, really! think of someone you know who constantly hates themselves yet you still like them nonetheless. did a certain person  come to mind? if you end up liking the person the way they are, it's likely someone does for you too! you might just not know it, but the possibilities are there ;)
          
          now go have a great day :3