letters i'll never send

to scorp from al

[bolded brackets = crossed out because wattpad doesn't allow that format]

-

[dear scorp,]

[i hope you're doing well.]

[scorpius,]

[i miss you.]

[hey scorp,]

[what's up, man?]

dear scorp,

do you remember that time when we snuck out from the dungeons and got pastries from the kitchen and climbed onto the roof of the great hall? do you remember that? laughing of giddiness and forgetting the proper wards and holding hands so carefully not to fall, even when we were stable? amelia, narrowing her eyes the next morning when she performed the spells to clean our scrapes and bruises? (these are rhetorical questions. i know you have trouble with those. don't actually answer them.)

you probably don't remember. you've probably forgotten, wrapped up in the arms of some hufflepuff girls who strokes your hair and tells you it's okay you're damaged. you do love being held and told it's okay, don't you? then, when you go and break each girl's heart, you have an excuse, you say you need to develop on your own and they just don't deserve that. they deserve someone who is ready. [and you'll never be ready for anyone.]

then you come bounding back to me, with your great strides and stupid grin and floppy white hair. as long as you never break the heart of someone in our chosen family — never touch amelia or... really, that's it, we've got a limited number of people who will want to hang with the son of a death eater and the utterly disappointing chosen one's son — i keep my mouth shut. i accept you, because you're my best friend. i know i'm yours, though you'd never really say it.

i wonder if you'd accept me, if you knew.

[thatiwanttorunmyhandsthroughyourhairandholdyourhandandwrapyouupinmyarmsand]

i wonder what you're thinking.

we haven't spoken in weeks. months, really. since i found you locked in a closet with someone who had wild, curly black hair. someone with freckles all across her face and wide hazel eyes.

amelia jane carrow ran after me when i walked away. she said, al, don't hurt him. al, he's your best friend. you tapped on my shoulder and i just swung. who needs a wand when you can just beat your best friend of five years into a bloody pulp, while your only other friend screams and begs you to stop and you just take it?

i wonder if you heard me through amelia's screams. i said you were a scumbag for targeting amelia, of all people. i asked why you would do this to me, in a rhetorical question. you never understood the meaning of a rhetorical question. i said i hated you. the moment i knew it was all too much, the moment i scrambled to my feet in panic when you opened your puffed silvery eyes and mustered the strength to sit upright while amelia sobbed and tried to remember the healing incantations... that was when i said how could you do this, because i love you.

we haven't spoken since then. amelia is firmly by your side. maybe by the sheer force of her will, maybe because i was wrong, you don't push her away with a mutter of how damaged you are. through summer evenings in the burrow where we lay on the grass, she knows. through snowy days at hogsmeade when we leave her at flourish and blotts, return with a butterbeers, while she obsesses over the exact ink cartridge for her phoenix feather quill, she knows. through falling asleep by your bed in the medical ward after i attacked you, holding your hand and lying her head on the bed with her chair pulled up next to you, she knows.

i wonder if you know how much i love you.

there, i said it. and not crossed out this time. i love you, and i'm ashamed. i love you, and i feel dirty. i love you, and you will never love me, only love to chase giggling girls with skirts hemmed above their knees, into broom closets. i love you, and you are my best friend. i guess, the proper terminology is that you were.

i know, i know. i could go back to you right now and pretend nothing happened and it would all be fine. i know we're only strangers as long as i want to be. i feel your glances, your pleading looks when i sit at the other end of the slytherin table every day. i watch amelia take your hand and lead you away, to a healthier, happier place than i'd ever be able to live in.

but i can't. i think you know why.

-al