A Trans Girl's Journal

Entry 1

Dear Journal, 

I've been thinking about coming out as trans recently. I know I am not the gender I was born with. I identify as a female and was born male. I've picked a name and I feel confident about my pronouns and identity. 

But... 

What if it's not actually me? What if it's some phase like I have heard so many others say? What if the name 'Nia' doesn't work for me? If I come out now, will I be forced to keep the name 'Nia' if i find out that being trans just isn't me? What if I'm just forcing this on myself because I don't feel like I am a boy? 

What if I come out and then people intentionally don't use the name Nia? What if I come out and then want to change my name later? Will I still be female when I reach college or adulthood? I can imagine it now, introducing myself as Nia Nal to the to-be best friends of my life. 

And my sister, my parents, what if they don't use my chosen name and pronouns? What if I'm kicked out? Will I have to live on the streets? Maybe I can stay with one of my friends, if any of them support me. And what about school? Will I just be dead named the rest of my life until I finally get out of college? Will only some teachers use my name and others completely ignore it? Are people at school going to repeatedly call me by my deadname, just to annoy me?

How long will it take for me to look female? Years? Decades? 

There are so many what if's right now. I don't know if I can handle it all. But I keep telling myself, that even if it is just a phase, it will be real, it is real. Maybe someday, it won't be real, but right now it is. Right now, I am Nia Nal. 

And maybe my family won't be accepting. Maybe they can let me stay in the house until I'm 18, maybe I'll be thrown out on the streets. But I hope, that if they aren't accepting, that the moment I turn 18, I'll be able to live life the way I want it. Hopefully, it will get better. I just need to keep going. 

Yours, 

Nia Nal 

Author's note: hi all. My name is Qrow and I identify as part female and part non-binary. (Aka a demigirl) Most entires like this will be short, and all of them will be in the perspective of the great Nia Nal. This book is pretty much my experiences but told to you in the form of Nia Nal. These worries and concerns that Nia writes about, they are all mine, they are all thoughts that I think. 

I have already come out as gay to my family and they were pretty accepting. But when I did first come out, I didn't really understand how bad things could get. But now I do understand them more, and hell, that makes me terrified to come out again. 

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