The way it should've gone

How did we get here?

Alex's POV:

I sat on our bed in our little studio apartment looking into nothingness.
"How can I sit here getting ready for a mission that could put my child in danger?"  I question myself. "I have to be the worst mother ever."  I whisper under my breath.

"Do not even start thinking like that."  Ryan stated, sitting down beside me on the bed, the weight shifting to his side.

"What are we doing Ryan?"  I ask him with tears threatening to spill from my eyes. He cups my cheek, ready to wipe away the tears that are threatening to spill from my eyes. His bright, blue eyes are staring back at me, it was a look of pity.

"Do not look at me like that."  I state as I get up from the bed, his hand falling to his side, walking over twoards the bathroom.

"Alex. Alex come here."  Ryan states, trying to advert my attention, quickly getting up from the bed.
"WHAT?!"  I snapped at him. I spun around from the entrance of the bathroom looking him in the eyes. I couldn't handle it, I broke down crying. Ryan ran to catch me.

"I got you, I got you" "It's okay baby, I got you"  he said over and over, hugging me tightly. I just sat in his arms crying, letting everything that has built up out.

After a few minutes, I finally got up. Ryan held my by my waist, helping me to the bathroom to get ready. He sat me on the toilet while he started a hot shower for me. I just stared at the wall.
It's funny, I have never noticed how many different shades of white were on the bathroom tiles. I couldn't get out of this "trance" like state I was in. My brain was on fire, overthinking every possibility, causing me to only panic more.

"Alex..?" "Babe...?"  Ryan took my chin and tilted my face towards his. He kissed my forehead, pulling me up. "Come on, let's shower" "It's gonna be okay I promise you".  He said.
But someone who's in the FBI should know...we shouldn't make promises..we can't keep.

Ryan's POV: 
         After we showered I helped Alex get her suit on. Today was the day we would go undercover. I could tell it was hitting her hard...way harder than she would let me see. Alex is strong, it's one of the many reasons I fell in love with her, but sometimes she's too strong. Not allowing herself to feel, or deal with the emotions at hand. 

I looked at myself in the mirror, fixing my tie, before making my way out of our bedroom. I saw Alex on the side of the bed, looking out onto the balcony. She looked beautiful. The light hit her face at an angle, accentuating her freckles and her brown eyes. 

"Are you ready?"  I asked her, her eyes moving to me. "mhm"  I heard her hum. I would give anything to take away her worries and her pain. 
"I'm just gonna call Shelby real quickly and then I will meet you in the car."  she said picking up her phone and walking out onto the balcony. Her and Shelby had gotten so close in the last year. After everything that had happened after graduation, from the terrorist attack to the hostage situation, they found themselves relying on each other in times of need. 
I grab the keys from the kitchen counter and heading down towards the car. Once I got into the car, I saw, sitting on top of the dashboard, a picture of Alex's ultrasound from the last appointment. I held the photo in my hand, tears forming in my eyes. I heard the door next to me open, and I quickly shoved the photo in the side door and wiped the tears, threatening to spill. 

"You okay?"  Alex asked, sitting in the car, reaching over to grab my hand.

"Yea,"  I smiled, holding her hand, rubbing it with my thumb. Something I started to do when she would get anxious. Even though it was rare that Alex showed she was scared, when she did this was one way I could help her.

     Halfway through the car ride, I glimpsed over to see Alex with her head on the window, eyes closed. It was one of the moments your mind takes a picture. I took my hand and placed it on her stomach. I knew from here on out, I would do anything to protect them, even if it costed me my life. 
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Hey guys!! I know i'm shit at keeping up with my stories, but the world has been crazy recently. I am having to go back into quarantine, because I got exposed, so that means more updates!! I plan on updating this book again December 27-28th! I am hoping to get at least 3 chapters out in the span of those 2 days!! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, lots of foreshadowing ;). Love y'all!!